Print is dead!

Pictured: Flanders and some women he
pays to pretend to find him interesting.

Uh-oh, bad news for the five or six people who haven't heard of internet porn: Playboy Magazine has announced that they will stop printing nude photos, ending more than 60 years of sexual objectification of women. How come? The aforementioned internet of course.

"You're one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it's just passé at this juncture."

-Scott Flanders, Playboy CEO,

pointing out the flaw in his 

company's business model

Oh, did I say that Playboy would no longer be objectifying women? Sorry, that's not entirely true, they'll just no longer be objectifying naked women.

"I got the idea for Playboy back in 1953 when I realized that
men are hormone-driven idiots and that women are objects."

-Some elderly cruise ship captain

And a 4% chance that your next search
is some combination of these things.

Well, that's not true either. They'll still have a centerfold, it's just that she'll be partially covered up. So, hey, progress, right? No. Anyway, they feel that they just can't compete with the overwhelming preponderance of sexually explicit material on the internet. According to my calculations, the internet breaks down as 27% pictures of cats, 33% out-of-context inspirational quotes people post on their Facebook timelines and the rest is porn. Furthermore, I predict an 80% chance that porn will be your next google search after reading this.

Back? Great. So the internet has finally driven Playboy out of the puerile hootenanny photography business, what's the plan now? Less nudity, more liquor ads and investigative journalism. No, really. That's what they got.

"Don't judge me, I only read it for the liquor ads..."