Saturday, August 1, 2015

Mike Huckabee: Of Myth and Legend

Is Mike Huckabee for real? And I mean that in the sense of: is it possible that he's imaginary or a creature of legend or in some other way fictitious?
You know, like Bigfoot if Bigfoot were an attention-starved media
whore who was constantly telling other people how to live their lives.
Ok, I have a hard time believing that two
people could be such enormous assholes.
I suppose he could also be an elaborate hoax. Like maybe he's a character someone made up just to make the other GOP Presidential candidates seem less ridiculous by comparison. I know, I know, it's a long shot, but I am, believe it or not, an optimist. I really do think that humans are by their nature, basically decent. So I just have a hard time believing that anyone could actually be such an enormous asshole.

Huckabee was answering questions at a campaign stop in Jefferson Iowa at a Pizza Ranch where he-wait, what is it with Iowans and goddamn Pizza Ranch? Are there no other structures among the vast cornfields of Iowa in which to engage in political discourse?
Spoiler alert: nope.
Above: Experts point out that we're
 just as likely to see centaurs when
Mike Huckabee is President. 
Anyway, according to this, Matt Taibbi, a writer for Rolling Stone, was at Pizza Ranch and asked Mike Huckabee if "he would send the FBI or the National Guard to close down abortion clinics." To which the folksy misogynist replied:

"We'll see when I'm president."

-Mike Huckabee, noted fascist and Presidential 
hopefu-wait, is he even trying to be President?

Holy shit man, I mean, holy shit. Why would he even say such a thing?

No matter where someone is on the
political spectrum, I think we can
all get behind cake and ice-cream.
But hey, maybe this is all a big misunderstanding and instead of 'will you send in the National Guard to shut down abortion clinics?' Mike Huckabee heard something like 'will everybody get free cake and ice cream on Fridays?' Sure, this seems unlikely, but if that is the case then I apologize for calling him a red-state shit merchant and-huh? I didn't? Oh. So he's a red-state shit merchant. Remember Chick-fil A Appreciation Day? That time he and other like minded homophobes protested gay people by eating like a ton of fried food? Or when he leapt to the defense of Hobby Lobby when that company started making decisions about their female employees' birth control?

Yeah, and now he saying that as President he might want to put armed troops between women and their doctors which would not only be reckless but wildly illegal. Which brings me back to my original point: Mike Huckabee can't possibly be for real. My worldview just will not accept that anyone can be this much of an unrepentant asshat.  
"America's about to get Huckapunched!"
-Mike Huckabee,
actual quote*

*not an actual quote.

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