Thursday, February 19, 2015

Oklahomophobia II: The Wrath of Kern

You know who sucks? Oklahoma State Legislator Sally Kern. Remember her? No, of course you don't, we talked about her way the hell back in 2011 when she compared the increasing acceptance of gay people to 9/11 because of course she did. Yeah, there she is. Well, she's back and has introduced three, count'em three bills in Oklahoma designed to make life miserable for gay people.
Pictured: Basically 9/11.
"Here's your grandé Pike's Place. I spit
in it because Jesus. Have a great day."
-Every Barista
The first, called House Bill 1597 was a pretty standard law that would have allow business owners who want to discriminate against gay people to do so legally and for Jesus. She's since withdrawn this one without really saying why. I'd like to say it's because she's come to her senses, but she probably just realized that opening the door to discrimination based on vague religious objections might come back and bite her someday. I mean, if citing The Lord means anything you do to a customer is nice and legal, who wouldn't want to hock a looge in Sally Kern's coffee?

If you work for Oklahoma and just looked
at his picture, you're fired. You're welcome.
Next is the 'Preservation of Sovereignty and Marriage Act' which protects the sovereignty of Oklahoma from the Federal Government and marriage from gay people. It would fire any state official who preforms a same-sex wedding, issues a license for a same-sex wedding, goes to a same-sex wedding, sees a same-sex wedding on TV, thinks about a same sex-wedding, or eats, even accidentally, a piece of cake that at any point had a two-groom or two-bride wedding topper on it. Oh, and don't even think about challenging it because that would be illegal too.

Sorry highest court in the land
but Sally Kern called 'no blitz.'
Uh-huh, Kern included a provision in the law saying that not even a Supreme Court ruling can overturn it, which sounds kind of balderdash, because, you know, it's the Supreme Court.

"It's a statement that needs to be made...when the Supreme Court takes this up in a few months it will know that we're here instead of thinking the states have rolled over and died."

-Sally Kern, sticking up for homophobes

Above: Kern, clutching the void where
a heart would be in a real person.
Gross. Anyway, the last and most vitriol-fueled of Kern's jerkfecta is the 'Freedom to Obtain Conversion Therapy Act' which would make it illegal to ban conversion therapy. So, what the shit is conversion theory? I'm glad I'm pretending you asked because I affords me the opportunity to describe it using the word horseshit. Conversion therapy is a debunked, unscientific load of horseshit that proponents claim can change a person's sexual orientation. Does it work? Of course not. You can't browbeat a person into being straight, and anyone whose understanding of psychology and medicine doesn't come exclusively from Leviticus would know this.

Look, I'm sorry I had to dredge Representative Kern back up, but she was in the news again and I think it's important to keep you updated on people who are terrible. If you ever see her on the street, be sure to shout 'Boo.' As an antidote to the deep sense of disappointment you're feeling towards the State of Oklahoma right now, here's a picture of the Muppets. They don't really have any connection to Oklahoma, they just always cheer me up. Enjoy.
Whenever I find myself bummed out by how unrelentingly shitty people can be
 towards each other, I remind myself that Muppets exist. Works every time.

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