Sunday, February 1, 2015

Huckabee Hearts Gay People!

Above: the thing it's not like. At all.
By any stretch of the imagination.
No. No it's not. It's not anything like that. What the hell am I talking about? Just some comments folksy homophobe Mike Huckabee made about marriage equality this morning on CNN. Enjoy:

"This is not just a political issue, it is a biblical issue. And unless I get a new version of the scriptures, it's really not my place to say Ok, I'm just going to evolve. It's like asking somebody who's Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli."

"Holy shit, 40 cubits? Really God? You know
there are literally millions of species, right?" 

Um...false. First of all, it is absolutely a political issue when you're talking about a person's legal right to marry the person they love. A biblical issue would be like whether or not it's ok to stone your neighbor to death for worshiping Moloch, or how many cubits long you should build your ark in order to accommodate a breeding pair of every animal on earth. A political issue is whether or not gay people are going to be treated like second-class citizens because a bunch of sanctimonious jerks insist on taking a couple of lines from a bronze age guide to living in the desert way too seriously.

Secondly, to keep with Huckabee's Jewish deli owner analogy, this would be like said restaurateur quitting the deli business, building an entire political career out of being an asshole to people who who enjoy pork and/or shellfish and then hosting a radio show on which they advocate for a law that would require everybody to keep kosher.
Although if it would end this stupid bacon craze, I'd be willing to hear him out.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa...lots of my
friends are godless deviants."
Huckabee also talks about having friends with whose lifestyle he disagrees...meaning gay people which ok, being gay is not a lifestyle, but whatever. The bigger point here is that his assertion is clearly bullshit. Of course Mike Huckabee doesn't have any gay friends. He goes on the air every week and harps on gays for not falling into his imaginary, theocratic, 1950's worldview where nobody swears, drinks or believes in dinosaurs. It's his job to be unfriendly to gay people.

Look, admittedly I don't know Mike Huckabee and I don't know who his friends are but c'mon. Are we really supposed to buy that he spends his day fighting against marriage equality on the grounds that it violates his moral code and then invites his gay friends over for dinner and a sermon on how much god hates them? That seems awkward, and kind of unlikely.
"C'mon hon, I know you hate going over to the Huckabee's for dinner but it won't be that bad. I mean, sure,
we'll have to hear about how we're going to hell, but the Hendersons will be there. Oh, and Janet's making flank steak."

*But the gays don't heart back.

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