Friday, January 9, 2015

Mike Huckabee: Still a thing!

For some people, having an opinion about other people's lives is a job. Take Mike Huckabee for example, he's been making a career out of railing against gay marriage for years and now that there's another Presidential election on the horizon, he's clawing his way back up from obscurity and taking aim at the homophobic pensioner vote. Hurray for politics!
You think he'd be nicer to gay people. I mean, without gays he wouldn't have a job.
"Liberals. Am I right? Pfft..."
-Mike Huckabee's entire show
But first let's back up and answer the question that's probably on your mind: who the hell is Mike Huckabee? He's been under the radar lately, but you might remember him as one of the many Americans who didn't win the 2008 Presidential election. Unlike most Americans however, he went on to parlay his folksy homophobia into TV show on Fox News on which he spent the better part of the last six years telling old white guys how awesome everything would be if he did win.

Oh, and he also organized Chic-Fil-A Appreciation Day, a sort of counter protest to the backlash that company faced when the owner of the fast-food chain thought everyone wanted to hear his opinion of gay people getting married. It was sort of a stand against the people taking a stand against bigotry. Still with me?
Lured by the promise of fried food and free media attention, Sarah Palin
was all over it. Holy shit, remember how close she came to being VP?
"Sorry, it's actually not
that near at all. I may
have overstated it a bit."
Anyway, in Huckabee's upcoming book entitled, (I shit you not) God, Guns, Grits and Gravy, the not-President throws us all a curve ball saying that '[t]he claim that same-sex marriage is destroying society is actually greatly overstated.'  Wait, wah? Overstated? Ok, kind of a weird statement coming from someone who's professional life has kind of hinged on stating it, but maybe this is a sign that Huckabuck is finally coming around. Or maybe it's just his way of getting our attention so that he can hit us with even stupider arguments against gay marriage. Like this one:

"Shouldn't a bisexual be able to have both a male and female spouse? Wouldn't restricting that person access to both genders be denying the bisexual his or her marriage 'equality?'"

-Mike 'Unclear on the Definition of Bi-sexual' Huckabee

"Honey, I'm sorry, I can't marry you.
It's like Mike Huckabee says: we
just don't have enough reliable data."

"When advocates of same-sex marriage say, 'What's the harm?' the honest reply is that at this point, we simply don't have enough reliable accumulated data to be able to say."

-Mike Huckabee, 
rhetorical genius

Not having enough reliable data is a great reason to think twice about investing in Bitcoins or taking up e-cigarettes. Saying that we should ban gay marriage because there hasn't been enough gay marriage just makes you an asshole.

Sorry to be harsh, but it's true. Like, since when have things like studies and evidence ever played a role in informing Mike Huckabee's worldview? You don't get to cry 'no reliable data' when it comes to gay marriage, but then dismiss evolution as some crackpot theory.  
"There's no reliable evidence that the Devil didn't plant these fossils here
to confuse us, so evolution is probably just a load of liberal horseshit."

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