Tuesday, November 20, 2012

It's lose-lose!

Judge Audrey B. Collins, presumably in a stern mom-voice, has declared that because Atheists and Christians can't get along and share, there will be no holiday displays in Santa Monica's Palisades Park for anyone.
"The other judges and I are very disappointed in all of you."
Welcome to Santa Monica.
Whatever you do, don't blink.
What the hell am I talking about? Click here. No time? Ok, I'll sum it up: For decades, Palisades Park was home to a bunch of Christmas displays every year. Sure, it's a city park, but whatever, it's Christmas. Anyway, last year a group called American Atheists pointed out (correctly) that it was kind of unfair that the Churchy McGodington's got to use public property to advertise Jesus, so the city decided to hold a lottery to decide which groups got to use the display areas.

Get this: the Atheists won like 18 of the 21 spaces. So did they thank the cold, godless void for their good fortune and set up a bunch of Solstice decorations and exhibits featuring prominent Atheists? Nope. They decided instead to be tremendous asshats and use their new found forum to tell religious people how stupid they are and that everything they hold dear is a big load of horseshit. Because they're classy.  
Above: One of the American Atheist's displays.
Take that beliefs! (also pictured: a smug asshole).
Those are cockles? Wow, I've totally
misunderstood that expression.
Well, this year in a stunning act of human decency, the Atheists and the Christians decided to put aside their usual animosity and share the display slots equally. Thus dawns a new day for tolerance and understanding. In other things that totally happened news, Democrats and Republicans have decided to work together for the common good, Donald Trump has added something useful to the national discourse and Peter Jackson has admitted that splitting The Hobbit into three movies is kind of unnecessary. I don't know about you, but my cockles are warmed.

Yes, Christmas is all about Jesus...
also deep, deep discounts at Kohls.
So yeah, I'm just kidding. This year's pissing contest over a bunch of chicken wire boxes in the park was again mired in name calling and comparisons to satan, only this time the city council decided that the lottery would be too expensive, so there just won't be any holiday exhibits in the park at all. The Santa Monica Nativity Scenes Committee sued to get the Council's decision overturned and that's when Judge Audrey B. Collins took everyone's toys away.

Why stop there? Isn't there some
way we can compare them to Hitler?

Oh, and not to be outdone by last year's American Atheists nativity snarkfest, one of the Christians has won this year's coveted Douchebag with Perspective Issues award. Behold:

"It's a shame about Christmas. Pontius Pilate was the same kind of administrator."

-William Becker, lawyer for the Santa Monica
Nativity Scene Committee

Yeah, ok buddy, Christmas is ruined forever and everyone on the Santa Monica City council is basically responsible for the murder of Jesus. Holy shit dude.
With no Christmas scenes in the park, Christianity is certainly
doomed to obscurity and will likely cease to exist by early next year.
"Happy holidays? You say
Merry Christmas you son of a bitch!
But don't celebrate just yet science fans. Sure, it seems like American Atheists has scored a victory for rationalism, but did they really? I mean, all they've done is call people stupid and turned science into some kind of binky-stealing grinch. The hell guys? Don't they realize that Christians love feeling persecuted? Like, nothing gets them riled up like the sense that they're defending Christendom from the heathen. If anything all AA (the Atheist group, not the alcoholics) has done is given Republicans something to put in their mailings. The GOP lives for crap like this.

So the Christians have lost their Christmas decorations and the Atheists have made themselves look like dicks. Everyone loses. Way to go people.
Oh, by the way Atheists, ever heard of a little something called showmanship?


  1. Nothing says "this space for free expression is respected by our community" like chain link cages around the display.