Sunday, November 18, 2012

It's what the French call 'Le Merde de Bull.'

Well it looks like thanks to France, the human race is doomed. Thanks France, thanks for nothing. Or should I say: Merci France, mercy pour rien?, no I shouldn't.
Above: The architects of our extinction enjoying demitasses of coffee and croissant.
I guess there could be a spaceship under
there...or maybe, I don't know, rock.
Anyway, officials in the french town of Bugarach have declared off-limits a nearby mountain called Pic de Bugarach just in time for the Mayan Apocalypse. The mountain, which some believe (idiots, mainly) conceals an alien spaceship, has become the focal point for the tin-foil hat club as they prepare for the end of the world prophesied by the Mayan calendar. Why that mountain? Well, when the clock strikes b'ak'tun 14, the aliens will emerge and ferry a few lucky new agers to safety while the rest of us are being crushed to death by our collapsing national monuments.

Here's a tip: fucking move.

Pictured: Bullshit.
So what's their boeuf? Why won't they let the hippies ride out the apocalypse on their mountain? Well, if I were a french official I guess I wouldn't want my sleepy mountain town overrun by people who do believe in crystal healing and don't believe in deodorant. Officially it's a matter of public safety, but I suspect they don't want to be responsible for the clean up on the off chance that boarding the mothership involves dixie cups full of strychnine-lased Kool-Aid.

Aliens: Plausible. Aliens who want
to hang out with you: less so.
Look, I'm not trying to be a dick here. I believe in aliens too. It's just I think there's a difference between a rational belief that there are probably aliens out there somewhere and the not-so rational belief that there's a UFO under a mountain in southern France and that they're gonna give you a lift when Quetzalcoatl devours the sun. Leaving aside the tremendous broken logic required to buy into the whole Mayan Apocalypse thing, there's still like, a ton of perfectly reasonable questions here.

Par example:

1) Why did the aliens choose that particular mountain and how did they get under it? Have they always been down there, or did they just burrow under it recently? If so, do you suppose they're getting along with the mole people?

2) Assuming they've been there a while what have they been doing all this time? Hibernating in cryo-tubes? Observing our primitive culture? Catching up on RuPaul's Drag Race? What?

3) If they were inclined to save some humans from our planet's hideous fate, why would they choose the kind of people that believe the Mayan calendar thing when actual Mayans call it bullshit?
"Holy shit everybody, for the last time, it's just a calendar. Calm down."
-Steve, High Priest of the Maya

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