Thursday, November 15, 2012

Let's declare War on the Suburbs!

If I were to tell you that President Obama was part of a vast international conspiracy to force the world's population into cities and unite everyone under a communist one-world government as part of his secret War on the Suburbs, you'd call bullshit right? I mean, it's obviously the stuff of tin-foil hat clubs and lizard-people theories...or is it? Yes. Yes it is.
If it's presented in Powerpoint it must be real!
Above: The grim future that awaits us all.
Thanks Obama, thanks for nothing.

But that didn't stop Georgia State Majority Leader Chip Rodgers (might be a porn name, we just can't be sure) from taking it seriously enough to call a meeting of the state GOP to watch his Powerpoint about it. At the heart of paranoia is the U.N.'s Agenda 21: a non-binding, voluntary plan designed to combat poverty, preserve the environment and you know, strengthen the role of women that sort of know, if people feel like it. No pressure, this is, after all, the U.N.

Smelling the stink of cooperation and responsible stewardship of the planet, conservatives have latched on to Agenda 21 as some kind of liberal conspiracy designed to steal all their shinies and usher in a new age of crystal healing, free love and pachouli. Even noted moon colonist and man-whore Newt Gingrich bought a seat on this particular crazy train.
"Free love? Pssch, what are you, socialist? Real men pay someone for that."
-Newt Gingr-what? He probably hires hookers.
Is it any nuttier than a global conspiracy theory?
And The Lord said: "Yea, thou shalt lead thy
people into the land of  Old Navy and
Cheesecake factories." -Exodus 1:13
A Georgian progressive group (yes, they have them there), video-taped part of Chip Rodger's meeting before someone cried "Guards, seize the interloper!" It's pretty amazing if somewhat heard to hear. Skip to the 7:50 mark to check out the part about Obama's 'War on the Suburbs.' You see, because he hates Real America and loves the inner city, Obama is planning to herd everyone (i.e. white people) back into the cities from which our ancestors fled. You see, white flight wasn't so much about racists not wanting black neighbors as it was some kind of Biblical exodus into the suburbs.

I don't know, maybe I'm a victim of the U.N.'s secret mind-control program, but a shining utopia of global cooperation and hover cars (because there would be hover cars) sounds pretty sweet. So like if anyone from the lizard-controlled shadow government is reading this, drop me a line. I'll gladly join your cold-blooded conspiracy in exchange for a place on the 'don't eat' list.
Above: the secret cabal of Lizard people who rule the planet.
Bet you wish you voted for Mitt Romney...

1 comment:

  1. [Ho Onward...Seen this? I saw it on the www.]


    ( I experienced all this while trapped in a large American city.)

    The suburbs are booming, but not fast enough. Yessir, you ghetto folks
    in inner cities have started a good thing, but there are still lots of acres
    outside the cities without any houses on them. So you've gotta move into
    "untouched" city blocks and do the following:
    Throw trash everywhere. You'll insure that your friends who pick up trash
    and distribute free rat poison packets will keep their jobs. And folks can
    predict the weather by the direction the trash is blowing!
    Walk down the street. Better yet, rhythm down it. And when I say street
    I don't mean sidewalk. Save sidewalks for your friends on cycles. Besides,
    it's hard to fit many cursing, screaming, drinking, pot-smoking kids on a
    sidewalk, and it's also hard to spot keys and other things left in cars when
    you're walking on a sidewalk!
    When walking down a street, turn your head when you hear a car coming
    and stare at the driver. For all you know, it might be one of your enemies
    out to get you. On the other hand, it might be only your neighbor and all
    that hateful staring might make him want to move out.
    Be sure to beget lots of unloved, unsupervised, unwashed two-legged
    "Obama welfare meal tickets" - either through wedlock or (preferably) out of
    wedlock. And let them often ring doorbells, begging for money.
    Turn quiet streets into noisy jungles. Have a blast - a
    long blast with your car horn under your neighbor's window at
    3:00 a.m. Let folks know who the real honkies are! Blow your horn when (1)
    you see the police coming (2) you want to buy some dope (3) you want to sell
    some dope (4) for any other reason. Play your stereo so loudly that folks can't
    hear sirens going to the latest holdup or arson. Be noisy, man, noisy!
    Be cruel to animals, especially "man's best friend." Tie your dog on a
    short chain under a blazing sun with no water or food or love or license or
    dog shots. Make him as mean as you are. Better yet, let your dog run loose.
    Neighbors love to find freshly killed cats (after hearing their screams) and
    other goodies on their lawns. Pit one dog against another in bloody "canine
    cockfights" while friends lounge on car hoods and cheer and make bets! And
    what madness is it where folks move out and abandon pets in the house,
    leaving them nothing to eat but their own droppings? This happens often in the
    ghetto, and almost no one will help the animals.
    Keep a good supply of Saturday Night Specials - also Sunday, Monday,
    Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday Night Specials. Your criminal
    presence will improve your neighbor's light bill; when he isn't watching you
    at night (with his lights off), he will be able to read books at night by
    the light of the police helicopter searchlights!
    Here's more insanity: Uncle Sam spends millions of our tax money to
    move you into our neighborhoods where we lose much when we sell our homes.
    So you have your nerve when you glare and swear at us when we don't move
    out quickly; but you're the reason we can't find good buyers! I really wonder
    what you and Uncle Sam will do when lots of folks move to the wilderness and
    live off the land and consequently don't have to pay taxes to support such
    Finally, spread the rumor that all of your troubles are associated with
    skin, even though you and I know that your problem isn't skin. It's sin!!!
    What makes a ghetto? It's not the paint on a house (or lack of it) but all
    of you two-legged pains in the neck!

    (anyone is free to copy and air this paper)