It's Squeaky Fromme Night!

Of all the Alan Moore adaptations
to inspire effigy-burnings...

Tonight is Guy Fawkes night (again), which is a British holiday that celebrates the foiling of the Gun Powder Plot. To mark the occasion, British people (or Br'ish pe-poe as they are known to the Cockney) make effigies of Hugo Weaving's mask from V for Vendetta and set them on fire. Great. but what the hell are we, as Americans, supposed to burn in effigy? I consulted the oracle, and have been given to know that Guy Fawkes Night was once celebrated here, but it was called Pope Day and was an indictment of, you guessed it, popery.

Nice hat, jerk.

Besides, Pope effigies were taking up
valuable Christmas decoration space.

The American version of this holiday fell out of favor in the last couple hundred years because it was kind of, you know, dickish, and we were left with a gaping hole in our calendar of excuses to light things on fire. I therefore suggest we begin a new effegy-burning tradition to rival the Brit's fascination with lighting assassination patsies on fire. Here's what I'm thinking: Squeaky Fromme Night. Unlike Guy Fawkes, Squeaky's plans were much less elaborate and involved not so much a widespread conspiracy as a looney charge at Gerald Ford with a gun. Fortunately, she was foiled by not knowing how to work the weapon and spent the next 34 years in prison.

Squeaky was released in 2009 and is, as you read this, stalking the streets. Sure, Gerald Ford has since passed at the senseless age of 93, but I mean the guy's got children, grandchildren and probably great-grandchildren whose lives are at risk every moment she's free. To keep Squeaky in line, I propose we burn her in effigy on every corner. Maybe now she'll think twice before putting on her crazy hat.

The Secret Service caught up with Fromme in her tree where she was
attempting to bake Fudge Stripes cookies. They were delicious.