UFO's? WTF FBI?

Hey look, more evidence that Area 51 is a top-secret airbase and not a secret installation for reverse engineering alien spacecraft! Thanks National Geographic, mystery: solved.

 Newly released photos show that the U.S. Air Force totally ripped off Professor X's jet.

From the people who brought us
breadlines and Yakov Smirnoff!

You know, when 'secret spy plane testing ground' is the cover story, the real secret thing they're hiding has got to be amazing. Why not just tell us? Even the rational explanations of Roswell are getting more absurd. First it was a weather balloon and then crash test dummies. Now it's a War of the Worlds-style Soviet hoax involving genetic engineering and Nazi-alien children. I think we've officially reached the point at which 'alien spaceship' is the most plausible option.

I refuse to believe that this is the
most advanced life form in the galaxy.

Is it really that absurd? Look at this article from the imaginatively named Space.com. It's about how of the six planets discovered around the star Gliese 581 just 20 light years away, two might be suitable for life. 20 light years is not all that far. It took the Starship Voyager seven seasons to cross 80,000 light years and they had a warp drive. So if there's billions of stars and two within 20 light years of each other have planets that support life then there's bound to be aliens. It's just science.

Here's a picture of Ernest Borgnine* explaining a little something called the Drake Equation.
Is there anything Ernest Borgnine can't do?

There. There's his face.
Mystery over.

A few weeks ago the FBI declassified documents it already declassified about people who heard from other people that say they saw aliens one time. They made the documents available on their website called The Vault, which is kind of an odd name choice for something that's supposed to be open and accessible to all. Wouldn't something like 'The Unlocked Screen Porch' be a more apt title? Well, anyway, the truth really is out there, according to someone who said they heard it from a guy possibly named Redacted (I think he's Dutch). Anyway, I was really excited. I mean, declassified documents? Awesome right? Nope. It's another tease. They're not gonna show us the aliens, ever. Aliens are to the FBI what Wilson's face was to Home Improvement.

But hey, it wouldn't be the first time the FBI let us down.

Cutting edge FBI technology.

So if you go to 'The Vault,' you can check out the FBI's cache of poorly photocopied documents someone has sharpied all over. On a side note, is the FBI still using a mimeograph or something? Isn't this the organization that keeps tabs on serial killers, terrorists and Flukeman? Maybe we could all chip in and get them a scanner? The KGB is laughing their ass off at us and they disbanded like 20 years ago.

Well that clears it up. Thanks FBI!

Anyway, weirdly enough there isn't like a big 'Secret UFO Files' button anywhere on the home page which is odd since I'm sure that 90% of the time someone is looking up the FBI's website it's because they want to know about UFOs. It's like the FBI doesn't really want to be connected with them. "Oh that? That's just the Rosewell wreckage, but if you look over here you can see a complaint letter J. Edgar Hoover sent to Sears Roebuck's ladies intimate apparel department." In the 'Frequently Asked Questions' there isn't even a single question about where the FBI keeps the alien bodies or who really shot Kennedy. C'mon FBI, let's get real here. You're famous for illegal wiretapping and aliens, work with me.

Yeah Uri, I can bend spoons too,
and I don't need telekinesis.

There is a section called 'Unexplained Phenomenom' wherein you'll find if not the smoking gun, then at least a reference to the gun having been wiped clean of fingerprints and tossed in the river. In addition to UFO-related materials they also include stuff on cattle mutilation and ESP, just in case you didn't already feel like a member of the tin-foil-hat club.



All I'm saying that if the galaxy is 14 billion years old and contains 400 billion stars, how come the FBI is sticking aliens in there with crazy-town stuff like spoon-bending and lizard people? And why all the wacky explanations? If they have proof of aliens they should just tell us, we can handle it. I think.

Well, we could probably handle it.
I mean, we'll be fine as long as they don't want to lay eggs inside of us.

*What? He totally looks like Ernest Borgnine.