Today in news that's not horrible...

Hey, I've got an idea, let's not talk about what a horrible person Donald Trump is and how his suggestion that we simply ban all Muslims from entering the U.S. is the kind of shit you expect from rabid-foam racists and not from someone running for President.

"What? Can't I be both?"

Here's an unrelated picture of a child's
birthday party to cheer you up until we
get to the non-horrible part. 

The last few posts have been mostly about terrorism, Islamophobia and that asshole handing out 'fat cards' on the London tube, so this time let's talk about something uplifting and hopeful. Oh, and I should probably mention upfront that this actually starts with a dog dying. Deep breath, take a minute if you need to. Still with me? Ok, now let's power through, it'll get better, I swear. Diesel, a police dog with the Paris metropolitan police was killed during a special forces mission, a raid which also killed at least two militants suspected of planning last month's terrorist attacks.

Above: Putin in one of his
rare 'shirted' appearances. 

So where's the uplifting part? Get this: Russia just gave the Paris police department a new dog as a replacement for Diesel. Yeah, Russia, a country we usually only hear about when they annex something or when that doughy, ex-KGB thug that runs it makes some homophobic comment. And here they are being mensches. I mean, I'm not really a pet person and I usually don't usually go in for these squishy human emotions, but this was pretty cool. A small gesture sure, especially when weighed against the horror show that has been the last few weeks, but it kind of fills you with some kind of, I don't know, feeling.

I think it's a sense of hope for the future or whatever. Just look how goddamn happy everybody looks in the picture below.

I mean just look at this. This is what we need more of. No pointless saber rattling,
no paranoid rants against entire religious groups. Just people trying to make each other
feel better during some trying times. Huh? No...I just have something in my eye. Shut up.

Today in reckless generalizations...

I suppose we were all just waiting for someone to suggest that last week's shootings in San Bernardino could have been prevented if the victims we better armed and that someone is Jerry Falwell Jr. who said, and I shit you not:

Pfft...obviously the solution to gun-
violence is more fucking guns.

"It just blows my mind when I see the President of the United States say that the answer to circumstances like that is more gun control-I mean if the people-If some of those people in that community center had what I've got in my back pocket right now. Is it illegal to pull it out? I don't know..." 

-Jerry Falwell Jr. 

President of Liberty University

Gun, he’s whipping out
his gun. That’s a relief, I guess?

But that's not the scary part. The truly batshit moment came immediately after he threatened to whip out what we hope and pray is his gun when he said:

"Anyway, I've always thought that if more good people had concealed carry permits, then we could end those Muslims before they, before they walked in and killed us."

-additional words that came out of his mouth

In case you were wondering, he is that
Jerry Falwell's son, so maybe it's genetic?

Like, he didn't say terrorists, or even Muslim extremists, he said Muslims, like Muslims in general. He later, as in much later and on Twitter, clarified that he was referring specifically to Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik, the couple who carried out Wednesday's massacre. Which, ok, if he says that's what he meant that's what he meant, whatever, but that's a seriously important distinction to make. It's the difference between making a flawed argument about how more guns make everyone safer and issuing goddamn fatwa against an entire religion.

Look, I'm not saying that Falwell was inciting violence against Muslims or anything, I'm just saying that sometimes the kind of person who wants to walk around armed to the teeth is not always the kind of person who embraces nuance, so maybe choose your words?

Willingness to recognize nuance is usually inversely
proportional to the amount of flags one is wearing.

No really, Ted Nugent's on their board.

Ok, so I know this week has been kind of an unremitting horrorshow of gun violence, political divisiveness and macabre media lookie-loo-ism, but we're like just a couple weeks out from episode VII, so bear with me, we'll talk about nerdy stuff soon. What I wanted to let you know is that apparently all this awfulness is the President's fault.

Thanks Obam-wait, you know what?, no.
No thanks Obama. No thanks at all.

If the bullets don't get you, the E. coli will.
 (source: jokes from like a month ago)

Oh yeah. You probably thought that the fact that we live in constant fear of being murdered by well-armed terrorists, gunned down in a Chipotle or just caught in the crossfire during one of our many gang wars was the result of ineffective and loophole-ridden gun control laws combined with a culture that love violence and glorifies weapons but no, according to NRA president Wayne LaPierre, it's because President Obama and those Washington elites love crime. They love it. God I hate those Washington elites...oh and the media. It's their fault too. Everyone but the gun lobby.

Good luck keeping it down.

Now you're probably wondering how a guy who routinely blames gun violence on an insufficient number of armed vigilantes could possibly make the case that everyone else in the country is at fault. The answer of course is shut up. Wayne LaPierre knows what he's talking about, he is, after all, he's the head of the NRA, so why would he lie about something like this? To prove his point, he's made a series of informative videos so you can grab some popcorn and binge-watch the moral decay of America.

Smith & Wesson: makers of a wide
array of semi-auto 'sporting' rifles...
you know, for sports or whatever.

Tips and Tactics sponsored by Cabbalas®, Patriot Profiles sponsored by Smith & Wesson®, even Armed and Fabulous, a series about women who love guns. It's like Netflix if Netflix consisted only of right-wing rants sponsored by gun manufacturers. The message is clear: no one has done more to curb gun-violence in America than an organization who routinely sees every mass shooting as an opportunity to suggest that it never would have happened if the victims were better armed. This message of unwavering support for guns brought to you by Smith & Wesson®.

Spoiler alert: LaPierre thinks
 the answer is more fucking guns.

Anyway, in his videos LaPierre makes the case that the NRA has been pushing for stronger gun control for years:

"The NRA has demanded the strongest possible prosecution of the federal gun laws for over 20 years. Our repeated calls have been met by deafening silence from Washington's elites."

-Wayne LaPierre on the NRA's push for-
hang on, are we talking about the same NRA?

Like seriously, is the argument here that politicians are pro-murder and that the NRA is some kind of lone voice of reason? Look, I know that laying blame is neither productive nor fair. Our relationship with guns is complicated and no one wants more violence, but holy shit. I mean, if the NRA would like to be taken seriously on this and any other issue, maybe they should stop blaming everyone else for not doing enough to restrict the industry they lobby so hard for. Oh, and maybe think about kicking Ted Nugent off the board.

Pictured: NRA Board Member and noted gun-toting lunatic
Ted Nugent, seen here not making them look any more rational.

Today in the death of journalism...

Yeah, nothing. This is really a
one-way form of communication. 

Hey, you know when an apology is not an apology? Well, do you? Yeah, I can't hear you, this is a blog, not like Skype or something. You could leave a comment, but by then it's too late so I'll just go ahead and tell you: An apology isn't an apology when you stick in a reminder about how awesome it is that you were first to do the thing you're now expressing remorse over. It just rings a little insincere, you know? What the hell are you talking about? You probably just said aloud. Well, I thought I'd never pretend you'd ask.

Above: the scene earlier today.

I'm talking about the media three ring that happened at the apartment of two of the suspects who carried out the attack in San Bernardino on Wednesday. Doyle Miller, the super-classy landlord of the townhouse in which Syed Farook and Tashfin Malik lived, decided to fling open the doors and let news crews storm the place like orcs into Helm's Deep but with body mics and less decorum. They pushed, they shoved, they went through drawers and cabinets. It was a shit show.

Pictured: A flannel shirt, because
journalism is alive in America.

The FBI had actually finished going over the place for evidence and turned it back over to Miller, so it's not like there would have been anything to find, but that didn't stop everyone from rifling through the deceased suspect's worldly possessions. You'd think someone, anyone would have stopped and said something like 'holy shit what's wrong with us?' but nope. Instead they just kept photographing anything they thought might be possibly be newsworthy. Spoiler alert: nothing they showed was at all newsworthy.

So what did they broadcast? Some cans of baby food, photographs of family members who had nothing to do with the assault and Farook's mother's driver's license, so that's out there now. Oh, and they also went around counting prayer mats and Kerry Sanders thinks he might have spotted a Koran. They weren't implying a connection between Islam and terrorism or anything, they just thought we'd be interested to know how many prayer rugs the family had lying around.

Pictured: MSNBC's Kerry Sanders looking for clues
in the baby's room. Not pictured: journalistic integrity.

"What? Everyone else was doing it."

-MSNBC's follow-up statement

Bunch of jerks right? Well, yeah, but MSNBC did later apologize saying:

"Although MSNBC was not the first crew to enter the home, we did have the first shots from inside. We regret that that we briefly showed images of photographs and identification cards that should not have been aired without review."

-MSNBC's heartfelt apology for-

wait, that's not really a...damnit!  

Hey, you don't suppose everyone in the
world knows how to do those things, do you?

Let's take the non-pology apart: They weren't the "first crew to enter the home" so really if you're looking for a news outlet to blame for this appalling lapse of human decency, Inside Edition are your guys. Also, while they weren't the first in, they were the first to send out footage meaning that MSNBC has their shit together. And lastly, they regret briefly showing the photos and ID cards. Briefly. I mean, they probably didn't endanger anyone in those photos so long as nobody watching knows how to replay, freeze and enlarge those images. 

I suppose the best part of this whole things has to be the different news outlets all calling each other out on how tasteless and ghoulish it was to broadcast live from the suspects apartment while at the same time replaying the footage. Like, can they not hear themselves?

"As journalists, we lack the genes responsible for restraint and self-examination.
It's a serious medical condition and-hey! Is that a Lonely Planet guide to Mecca?"

Let's all shut up!

You know, asking elected officials to actually take substantive action on gun control after another mass shooting is not unreasonable.

Huh? Why the unicorn? Because it's been a day, ok?
Just marvel at its majestic beauty...well? Are you marveling?

Above: The New York
Daily News not being wrong.

But then nor is offering your thoughts and prayers. I only mention it because now we're arguing over whether or not it's ok for politicians to express their condolences to the victims while at the same time doing nothing about the problem. Its been hours since what was (according to this), America's 355th mass shooting this year, and a lot of people are frustrated that instead of say, passing stricter gun control legislation, a lot of officials are content to Tweet about how their thinking about and praying for victims. Check out the New York Daily News cover (right). Because this is America and we are legally required to come down on only one of two sides on any issue, religious people are upset. They're calling it 'prayer shaming,' and find it insulting that they're are being summed up as ineffectual Neds Flanders who just sort of bow their heads in prayer and hope everything works out.

But the good news, the thing can bring everyone together regardless of politics, is that both sides are right. Thoughts and prayers aren't worth the Tweets they're printed on and aren't going to make gun-violence go away. The only thing that's going to help is for us to get up off our asses and do something about the military-grade arsenals freely available to anyone with a crazy-town agenda. Fact. But offering your thoughts and/or prayers is ok too. It isn't meant to be a solution, it's just what you do to be a person. So let's all shut up and get along, ok?

Pictured: A dragon and a unicorn peacefully coexisting despite their differences.
It's like an allegory for American social and political harmony. Also, it's equally as likely.

Let's be persons!

Hey you know what's totally easy and costs absolutely nothing? Being a person. It's not at all hard to do, in fact, you're probably doing it right now. So you'd think everyone would be on board with being a person, but then you see something like this.

This looks like a job for...context!

"Here's to being slim and attractive!"

-Thin people

What, you didn't click on the link? You're probably busy not being a terrible human being. The same can't be said for the people who've been handing out these cards (see above) to women on London's tubes (that's Bri'ish for subway). The reverse explains that they represent a group called Overweight Haters Ltd and that they object to overweight people, calling them glutinous, greedy and unworthy of love. They go on to question why fat people don't simply try being skinny. No really, it's that terrible. Here's an excerpt:

The NHS? It's the UK's healthcare
 system. There, if you're sick you go to a
hospital and they treat you. Novel right?

"We object to the enormous amounts of food resources you consume while half the world starves. We disapprove of your wasting NHS money to treat your selfish greed. And we do not understand why you fail to grasp that by eating less you will be better off, slimmer, happy and find a partner who is not a perverted chubby-lover...you are not a pig, you are a fat, ugly human."

-Overweight Haters Ltd being 

awful, I mean, just the worst

Holy shit, right? So the obvious question here is 'is this even for real?' and the answer appears to be sort of. I suppose it could be performance art or something, but even if that's the case, it's still a tremendously dick move.

I'm not convinced. The cards lack the aggressive
weirdness and baffling nudity of performance art.

"Three hundred copies? Wow,
you must really hate fat people..."

Overweight Haters Ltd is at least real in the sense that tube passengers have been getting handed the cards for about a week. As to whether or not this organization is a thing and not just some douche who went to Kinko's and dropped eighty bucks on fat-shaming cards is still unclear. Overweight Haters Ltd. doesn't seem to have a website, and since nothing is truly real without an internet presence, I imagine that I was spot on with the Kinko-douche theory which begs the question, what's his problem? 

This is someone who woke up one day and said to themselves: 'I think that today I shall make fat people feel like shit.' Can you believe it? So congratulations everyone else who managed to be decent to one another today, you are objectively better at being a person than the asshole (or assholes) handing out these cards.

Pictured: Some of the planet's seven billion human beings
who didn't spend their day being total fuckwads.

It's the least wonderful time of the year!

Like, they'll bring it to your door.
You don't even have to get up.

Like, we all know that businesses will sell us stuff the other 355 days of the year, right? And it's not like a secret that you can just order things on the internet and they'll send them to you, right? So why in the name of hell do people still line up hours in advance of a store's opening in stupid cold November weather and risk not only contact with their fellow humans but actual injury just to buy the same crap they could buy any other time of the year?

Is it the super-low door-busting savings? Because something tells me that we're not smarter than the marketing strategy. Like, businesses are in the business of making money, so it's not like they're doing you a solid by setting up a retail cage match and letting idiots battle each other for the last flatscreen.

Pictured: Just some of the savvy shoppers who took advantage of today's big sales. Yup, they made
the smart move by shopping today and not say, any other day of the year (not pictured: dignity).

Lots. I asked that rhetorically, but
for real, there's lots wrong with us.

So back to the injury. Yeah, it wouldn't be the brutal, pointless consumer frenzy invented by advertisers if there weren't casualties. Hey, did you know there's a website devoted to tracking Black Friday fatalities and injuries? Well there is and they count seven deaths and ninety-eight injuries since 2004. A few of the incidents were car crashes which just happened on Black Friday and maybe can't directly be blamed on shopping but holy shit, what is wrong with us?

What kind of a country do we
live in where you can't even get paid
for video of the mall fight you staged?

I mean, look at this shit (see right). It's video some asshole posted on Twitter of two other assholes fighting in a mall. I actually think this one is bullshit. The idiots fighting don't seem to have any bags or anything, and it kind of looks like they just wanted to be part of the Black Friday batshit crazy news day. If you scroll down the tweets, @DaddyWeaknd, the aforementioned asshole who shot the video in the first place, is complaining about not getting credit (and money) from ABC for using it on Good Morning America:

"If you're with a news agency don't tweet me until your ready to send some money"

-@DaddyWeaknd, noted filmmaker

and argument for childlessness

Above: video of a man being escorted-
hey, side note? Can we all agree to stop
holding our iPhones the wrong way?*

Hey, did you notice that gross feeling in the pit of you stomach just now? That was the last vestige of your hope for the future of the human race being squeezed out of you by the crushing realization that @DaddyWeaknd gets to vote and drive. So while that video felt a little hoax-y, there were still a lot a people being total dicks to one another today. There was a fight at a mall in Frankfort Kentucky, some guy took a swing at a cop in an El Paso Walmart and some woman ripped a veggie steamer† out of a healthy child's hands.

All this because we got suckered into this fiction that we're missing out on some essential American experience if we're not trampling one another at goddamn Best Buy and that just makes my face sad.

Pictured: Americans acting out our yearly pageant of crass consumerism, greed
 and-hey, are those teddy bears humping? Ok, that makes me feel a little better.

*Today in Side Notes...

Seriously, do some people just not understand that they can hold their phones sideways while taking video? Like, look at this example below of two idiots beating each other in front of Forever 21. Notice anything vertically oriented about it? Exactly. Our eyes are widescreen, so please, for the love of God, hold your phone correctly while taking video of the ridiculous bullshit that's happening all around us.

Brought to you by Skinny-Vision®
"You're just doing it wrong..." 

† This one might have been a hoax too, which I suppose is a good thing, right?