Wait, all we had to do was ask?

"Technically, yes, alleged, but I mean,
c'mon, this is me we're talking about."

-Scott Pruitt, allegedly 

I'm sorry, all it takes is for someone to resign is ask? Holy shit, really? Because if that's all we need would someone please ask Donald Trump to resign? And Mike Pence? Oh and Mitch McConnell and you know what? I'm make a list, but I'll need some time. Can you get back to me on that one? Huh? What am I blathering on about? Did you see that Scott Pruitt, the embattled head of the EPA who-wait, embattled isn't the right word. Let's say corrupt and scandal-ridden, now former head of the EPA. Wait, should I say allegedly corrupt?

Whatever, he resigned and yes, it's going to be another one of those posts, and yes, I'm as sick of the political things as you are, but, well, here we are. Next time we'll talk about Star Trek or something. Promise. Anyway, like I was saying, Scott Pruitt quit today. A fact we learned through the official channel of Donald Trump thumbing out a tweet.

Wait, but wasn't he terrible at his job? And didn't he resign under a
cloud of scandal and accusations of malfeasance and-oh never mind...

Absurd? Perhaps, but you've got to
admit, this would explain a few things.

According to Pruitt's resignation letter, he's stepping down because of "...the unrelenting attacks on me personally, my family are unprecedented and have taken a sizable toll on all of us" and not because D.C. area teacher Kristen Mink asked him to, but I don't know, she said 'please resign' and blamo, three days letter a resignation letter is on Donald Trump's desk. Maybe she was the final straw, maybe Pruitt looked into Mink's kid's eyes and felt some reptilian analogue to what humans would call shame. 

We may never know. But either way, I think we should just go ahead and give Kristen Mink the credit. She may have just proven that calling these people out on their shit is an effective protest tactic. Or at the very least she got to ruin his lunch.

Pictured: one of the unrelenting and unprecedented attacks on Scott Pruitt.

Just kidding. He's rich, well-connected
and white. Prison's not even on the table.

Look, I know that he is innocent until proven guilty but holy shit, just this morning he became the subject of a another investigation into his shady doings, this one for possibly violating Federal Law for destroying records. Throwing that onto the pile of investigations makes nineteen. Nineteen! Like, statistically at least three or four of these are going to pan out, right? He could spend the rest of his life in prison assuming he doesn't have powerful friends in a position to...goddamnit.

I think most of us took the 2016 election
as evidence against the existence of a
benevolent God, but to each their own.

Perhaps most galling, and I say this as a not terribly religious person, is the last part of his resignation letter where he explains that he believes that Donald Trump, former host of The Apprentice and the guy from the Billy Bush tape who bragged about sexually assaulting women, was chosen by God to be President. Really, lookit:

"I believe that you are serving as President today because of God's providence. I believe that the same providence brought me into your service."

-Scott Pruitt, noted sleeze, and
instrument of the divine plan

Oh shit, suddenly his terrible
performance as head of the EPA
makes a lot more sense.

So God chose Donald Trump and then went on to choose Scott to head the EPA. Cool, but that's crazy, right? Like, I'm not suggesting that he's crazy for believing in God or whatever, but isn't telling everyone that you're chosen by the almighty to perform some task here on Earth usually the kind of thing someone says before climbing up a clock tower with a high-powered rifle on their back? Or at least like the kind of person who doesn't give a shit about the environment since the Rapture could happen any minute.

Like I mentioned before, I'm no theologian, but if Pruitt's professed faith bears any resemblance to what I half-remember from Sunday School, isn't he in deep shit right now? Like, doesn't the God frown on things like the misappropriation of public funds, nepotism and the destruction of public records to conceal a crime? And even if those things are not explicitly forbidden in the Bible, I think it's implied.

"No stealing, no killing, no using tax payer money on personal expenses...
whoa, whoa, God? God...slow down, I'm running out of Dead Sea Scroll here,
could we maybe condense it down to, I don't know, ten commandments?"

-Some dude in a cave,

circa 3,000 B.C.