Today in relationship-ending schwag:

Which would be most people.

In many ways, you've got to admire the hutzpah. You heard me, the hutzpah. The unmitigated gall the-huh? Oh, what I'm talking about? Why, asking four hundred dollars of money for a super-duper special edition of Darksiders III. Yeah, that's hundred. With an 'h.' Huh? What's Darksiders? Well, it's a video game series, and not one that warrants a $400 special edition. Mostly you'll have to trust me on that part, but I'll give us the broad strokes for those unfamiliar.

"For the last time, I'm not from Warcraft,
I'm War. From Darksiders? Goddamnit..."

-Some Darksiders fan

Darksiders and Darksiders II were two moderately successful, but kind of forgettable games released by a publisher called THQ. When the company went under back in 2013 it left, I don't know, tens of devoted fans wondering if there would be a Darksiders III. And to be clear I'm not knocking anyone for liking Darksiders. Everyone has their fandom. For some people that fandom just happens to be Darksiders. And that's great, although they probably find themselves having to explain their cosplay at conventions. What I am knocking is the presumptuousness of a $400 edition, which we'll get to in a minute.

Admittedly, corporate acquisitions are
probably somewhat less metal than I'm
 describing. Call it artistic license. 

Anyway, said fans were, I presume, thrilled to hear that THQ Nordic, an Austrian publisher stitched together from the rapidly cooling corpse of the old THQ's intellectual properties and wearing its pelt as a cloak, would be releasing a third game in the series. And to sweeten the deal, this isn't just some IP cash-in as the new game was developed by a team made of members of the original games' development team, presumably taken as captives when THQ Nordic raided the smoking ruins of THQ's fortress. But along with a release date, THQ Nordic has also announced a variety of ways we can give them even more money.

I don't know if it's art but...wait,
no, it's definitely not art.

And this is where things get hutzpah-y. Behold: the special editions, each more expensive and needlessly merchy than the last. You could by just the game, and it will set you back $59.99. But what are you, a chump? I mean, if you want to be taken seriously, you've got to at least go for the collector's edition, right? And for only $149.99. Can you believe it? That one comes with the game, but in a metal box, as well as some DLC, an art book, a sound track and get this: an eleven inch figurine of the game's main character. So I hope you have room for one of these in your house. And that you don't live with anyone.

Speaking of, unless your significant other is a fellow gamer, you might have to choose between them and the $400 'Apocalypse Edition:' the final evolution of pointless gaming schwag and a legitimate relationship ender. You get all the crap from the Collector's Edition, plus three more figurines, a wall hanging advertisement for the game you just overpaid for and an amulet. Yes, an amulet, so like, four hundred bucks well spent.

You'd be an idiot not to blow four-hundred dollars on it
I mean, look at all this shit you get. Did I mention the amulet?

Why yes, there is one other
very likely scenario. See above.

Look, I don't want to yuck your yum if Darksiders is your thing, but yuck. Also, who are you? Like, who is the 'Apocalypse Edition' aimed at? Maybe I'm just a jerk, but I've played Darksiders 1, and it was ok. So I'm having a real hard time imagining anyone getting that into the series that they need four hundred dollars worth of branded Darksiders gear cluttering their home. Like, is there a scenario in which these tchotchkes aren't in a garage sale or up on Craigslist in like two years time?

Or, and maybe I'm just being morbid, but what about decades from now when whatever Darksiders super-fan who shelled out four big ones for this dies. Is some kid going to inherit grandma's complete set of Darksiders III figurines and collectable amulet? Not to get all 'it used to be about the music' here, but has it really come to this?

"Sure, I miss grandma, but what the shit am I supposed to do with these?"

-Some kid, inevitably