Make America Canada Again!

Sorry in advance. I plan to get a lot of
mileage out of 'Canadians are polite'
in this one. Wait, sorry, kilometerage?

Hey everyone, it's Canada Day again and-huh? Yes again. It happens every year. That's how holidays work, it's part of the cyclic nature of our existence. Anyway, it's Canada Day and because I'm one-quarter Canadian, I'd like to-wait, what? Yes that's a thing. My grandmother was Canadian, so I'm one quarter. How dare you. Three quarters of me me is outraged, and the other quarter of me is sorry to have upset you. But like I was saying, Happy Canada Day. This year I'd like to share with you this editorial from the Toronto Star.

Pictured: Canadian history.

You should read it, but because you're almost certainly too busy with your own celebrations marking the 151st anniversary of the Canadian Mounties' victory over The Night King and his armies of undead from beyond the wall, I'll give you the gist. So like I was-uh? Oh what now? Yes, Mounties battled the Night King's army. I'm pretty sure I would know how Canada was founded. Look, if you don't believe me, go look it up.

"So fucking exceptional!"

-Us, like all the time

Where was I? Oh, right. This year's Canada Day theme is about celebrating how not American Canada is...well, how not United States-ian they are. Canadians are also North Americans. Classic us, right? The editorial points out how well Canadians govern themselves without:

"...shock and awe, or fire and fury, or chest-thumping about our own exceptionalism. But with a becoming rationality, decency and a sense of generosity."

Of course they call this a toque, so
I guess we have a language gap too.

Hey, do you think they're talking about us? Or is that just my American exceptionalism making me assume they are? I mean, we are after all, you know, like really exceptional. But rationality? Decency? Generosity? Sounds pretty gay if you ask me. You know, George Bernard Shaw (or someone) was supposed to have said once that the 'United States and Great Britain are two countries separated by a common language.' And I think something like that applies in this situation, except instead of little things like calling an elevator a lift and eating Branston Pickle, the U.S. and Canada seem to have fundamental differences about how countries should work.

Canada's trying to be a responsible member of the global community while we, on the other hand, are rapidly turning into a reality show with nuclear first strike capability.

There's a reason Bravo doesn't give the cast of
The Real Housewives of Atlanta with ICBM's. 

Pretty sure 'The Donald' would never go
for it, although the ratings would be huge...

Of course the Star's editorial board isn't blind to Canada's problems, they call out the political fighting over oil pipelines and the treatment of indigenous peoples-which, we have no room to judge here. But they did praise how Canadians have come together in support of Prime Minister Trudeau in the face of Donald Trump's economic attacks on trade and his personal attacks on Trudeau himself. Verbal attacks I mean. I'm pretty sure Trudeau, twenty-six years younger and an ex-boxer would totally win in a physical fight. Holy shit, could you imagine?

Anyway, check out the editorial if you have a chance, maybe between curling matches or after you get home from Canada Day caroling around the neighborhood. Oh, and if it seems a little out of character for Canadians-who are famously modest and self-deprecating-to suggest that Canada is in some way superior to another country, just remind yourself who an electoral, but not popular, majority put in charge of our country.

Perhaps Donald Trump's greatest contribution will
be as a reminder of how great it is to be a Canadian.