Finally, a use for tweens!

Have you ever looked at young people with their skinny jeans, and their Hunger Games and those stupid hats that look like animals and thought to yourself, "Gee, I wish I could just pop a keg tap in their carotid and drink their blood in order to restore my lost youth..."? Well according to science, that might not be so crazy of an idea.

Above: A legitimate avenue of scientific research.

Pictured: Two of the mice from the
experiment. One is a genius, while the
other, less fortunate mouse is insane.

Researchers at Stanford University have discovered that by giving an old mouse a blood transfusion from a young mouse they can improve the old mouse's mental faculties and even rejuvenate its muscles. How does that work? I'll let this guy explain:

"You just give an old mouse young blood and see if the animal is smarter than before."

-Tony Wyss-Coray, Professor of Neurology

explaining science

"For my next experiment I shall sew three
mice together and create a super-mouse."

-Tony Wyss-Coray

Yup, it's as easy as that. So I think the obvious question here is what the shit is wrong with neurologists at Stanford? Like, were they just sitting around one day when one of them decided to start doing blood transfusions on elderly mice? In a similar, yet somehow creepier experiment, they even connected the circulatory systems of two mice (one old, one young) and found that the old mouse showed neurological improvements while the young mouse saw signs of premature aging. Intriguing, yes, but what the fuck made someone decide to splice the mice's circulatory systems together in the first place?

Anyway, this discovery could have a profound impact upon our understanding of the aging process in humans and might even lead to new Alzheimer's treatments which would be totally awesome and offer hope to millions, but seriously, when did Stanford turn into such a nightmare factory? 

Just imagine how much more expensive things will be 20, even 50 years from now.
The opportunities to complain about it will be endless.

Sure, it could just be a lucky guess, but all
I'm saying is Hoverboards: dare to dream.

Oh and by the by, do you remember that part in Back to the Future Part 2 where Doc Brown pulls off his age make up and explains to Marty that he'd been to a rejuvenation clinic in the future? He said that, among other things, he'd had his blood replaced making him appear younger and adding decades to his life. Yup, a blood transfusion. Remember that? That scene was set in 2015, less than a year from now. Robert Zemeckis is a goddamn sorcerer. 

Time to put on your Space Pants!

NASA, apparently tired of their astronauts looking like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and Cobra Commander had a baby, has decided to redesign the classic space suit.

See? Classic.

Wow, Master Chief has
really let himself go.

The result is kind of unappealing. I realize that fashion isn't really the number one concern when designing the only thing that stands between squishy human-flesh and the airless, radiation bathed expanse of low orbit or the frigid wastes of Mars, but holy shit, I mean, look at it (see right). Look, I don't want to tell NASA how to do their job but...wait, no, that's a lie, I do want to tell NASA how to do their job, I'm just woefully under-qualified. But since you don't need a doctorate in space-science to write a blog, I'm going to go ahead and say that I wouldn't be caught dead floating lifelessly through the infinite void dressed in the unimaginatively named Z-2. 

Yeah, it's called the Z-2 and is matte grey because I guess that's someone's idea of future. It also features a vulnerable-looking, clear plastic bubble helmet which should afford our future astronauts an unobstructed view of whatever piece of fast moving debris is about to poke a hole in it. 

But hey, space is big, I mean, how much debris could there possibly-wah? Oh. Shit.

If you love dogs, don't read this.

NASA actually put the design up for a vote so we're all a little responsible for the next generation of explorers dressing like a cross between rejected Mass Effect character models and the Mondoshewan.* I suppose it was NASA's way of helping us all feel like we're involved in the space program. Of course, helping choose decorative design elements isn't exactly boldly going so much as it is passively offering inconsequential input. The public was involved in the decision making in the same way that Laika the Russian space dog was.

Didn't vote? Yeah, me neither, but then they only gave us three kind of shitty options to begin with. In many ways it was as much a design contest as it was a biting critique of American democracy. Bet you didn't know NASA was so subversive...

Vote for one of a limited field of mediocre choices?
Take that, two-party system!

*If that sentence made sense to you, congratulations. Give yourself a +5 to your nerd role, and then go outside or something. Get some air.

Dig Dug it up!

Jinkies, it's no longer a mystery! Researching a well-known (to nerds, anyway) myth, a documentary crew has managed to unearth a horde of video games long-believed to buried in a New Mexico landfill.

After hours of excavating in the sweltering desert heat, the crew finally hit pay dirt:
a cache of Atari games which experts agree will fetch ones of dollars on Ebay.

Above: footage from the excavation
reveals a serious alligator and goggle
 monster problem at the landfill.

For people with lives, I should explain that for years there's been this story that back in 1983, Atari crushed and then buried a shitload of cartridges, consoles and accessories during a particularly rough period for the video game industry. Since nobody wanted to be responsible for a bunch of kids with shovels poking around a landfill, both the company and the owners of the dump were kind of cagey about the whole thing. Sometimes they'd say that all the games and systems had been destroyed and were inoperable and other times they'd flat out deny the burial ever happened.

If you remember Atari fondly, you are
mistaken. It was objectively terrible.

What was so rough about the industry in the early 80's that Atari felt they had to make like the mafia and bury their problems in a desert? Awful games and lots of them. Look, this was a little bit before my time as a gamer but looking back, console gaming was total shit back then. Not all of it certainly, but for every Galaga and Ms. Pac- Man, there's like a dozen pong-clones and SwordQuest's. Even if you're dripping with nostalgia for gaming in the time of disco, you have to admit that the graphics sucked, the gameplay was shallow and those primitive wood-paneled consoles were ridiculously overpriced (about $700-$900 adjusted for inflation).

Incidentally, how much coke do you
have to be on to fuck up Pac-Man?

Ok, NES-era chauvinism aside, it wasn't just the utter lack of quality that made the early 80's a terrible time for gamers, there was also a ton of corporate greed and short-sightedness. Atari once famously slapped together a half-assed port of Pac-Man in six weeks and then produced 12 million copies of it, which was like 2 million more cartridges than there were consoles to play them on. I know people did a lot of blow back then, but you'd think someone would have done the math on that one.

Anyway, the mystery's been solved and in a weird way I'm kind of bummed. It might have been kind of cool if they'd let the site stay undisturbed for a few more decades so that future generations could see for themselves how our civilization dealt with shitty games.

"Note the poor condition of the cartridge and the way it was just sort of 
chucked into the landfill. This indicates that even our remote ancestors of 
the 1980's understood that movie tie-in games are, by definition, bullshit."

-Some Future Archeologist

So long, Galactic Jizz-Wailers!

Ok Star Wars nerds, you might want to sit down for this: Lucasfilm has just put out a press release stating that the Expanded Universe is no longer canon. Holy shit! What does that mean and why should anyone care? First, settle down, I can only answer one question at a time. Secondly, buckle your nerd belts, we may be experiencing some nerdulence.

Jean-Luc Picard, setting a good example.

Bea Arthur's singing bartender was as
valid a part of the Star Wars
canon as Boba Goddamn Fett.

You know how Star Wars, as a thing, consists of three good movies and three shitty movies (and three shitty remasters of the good ones)? You do? Well, you're wrong, or at least were. Until today, the Star Wars comics, cartoons, novels, that warcrime of a holiday special and pretty much anything else George Lucas slapped the name 'Star Wars' on and collected a check for was considered canon. Almost all of it counted in the continuity of Star Wars. This is, or was, the Expanded Universe (EU). The EU filled in the blanks between movies, fleshed out even the most insignificant background characters and just generally allowed Lucasfilm to keep milking the space cow.

But ever since the announcement that J. J. Abrams would be making new Star Wars movies set after Return of the Jedi, the question on many a nerd's mind was what does this mean for the EU stories that came after Episode VI? Today we got an answer and it was:

"Wah-wah."

-Snit from the Max Rebo Band

Etch-A-Sketch®:
"Like drawing, but way the fuck harder!"

Lucasfilm has effectively shaken the continuity Etch-A-Sketch, so from here on out, the existing films, the Clone Wars cartoon and the not-yet-released Rebels series along with whatever new stuff Disney pumps out will be the only stories that count. It's a move designed to allow the writers of upcoming Star Wars fiction to divest themselves of the considerable narrative bloat of the EU, and that's probably a good thing. Speaking of bloat, scroll back up to that thing that looks like a waterbear playing a hookah. That's one of the creatures from Jabba's palace, basically window-dressing to let us know it's another planet, right?

Well, yes, but thanks to the EU, he has a name, a homeplanet and a detailed backstory. Check out his page on wookiepedia. Did you know that Snit once went by the name of Droopy McCool and that the Max Rebo Band was formerly known as Evar Orbus and his Galactic Jizz-Wailers? That fact alone should be all the reason anyone needs to kick the EU out of canon. I mean, try writing Episode VII knowing it takes place in a galaxy where Jizz-Wailing is a form of music.

Pictured: Evar Orbus and his Galactic Jizz-Wailers.
No, seriously, Galactic Jizz-Wailers. Enjoy.

I know exactly how
you feel alterna-Spock...

So back to the question of why anyone should care. If you live a well-rounded, full life, you shouldn't. On the other hand, if you're like me and have an unnatural interest in fictional universes, Lucasfilm dumping the EU is kind of a big deal. When Abrams rebooted Star Trek, he kind of half-assed it, setting his movie in the original Trek universe but with some alternate-reality bullshit that amounted to Eric Bana's time-travel turning Khan into a white guy-a sentence that actually makes more sense than the logic it describes.

With the new Star Wars, Abrams is getting a mostly clean-slate. The Ewok cartoon, Boba Fett's increasingly implausible resurrections and that time R.A. Salvatore dropped a moon on Chewbacca are all off the table. Of course he still has to deal with all the bullshit from episodes I-III: midi-chlorians, General Grievous, every line of dialogue between Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen...you know, it's not too late for Lucasfilm to dump the prequels, seriously, one press release and presto: no more Jar Jar.

"I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough
and irritating, and it gets everywhere."

-Darth Vader, dark lord of the Sith,

whining about goddamn sand

Happy 4-Tweaster!

Thanks to an unusual convergence of movable feasts and people who like to get high picking an arbitrary date, today is both Easter and 4/20, so uh, Happy 4-Tweaster everybody! Easter, of course, falls on the first Sunday after the full moon after the equinox (got all that?) and celebrates Jesus rising from the dead. For Christians, it's like a super big deal as the resurrection forms the foundation of their theology.

Death and resurrection also form the foundation of
what Marvel's writers do when they run out of ideas.

"Well, you appear to have a pulse.
I'll get the paperwork started."

I'm not really sure what's special about 4/20 in particular as the pot fans I know never seem to need an excuse, but for whatever reason it's the day and time stoners have chosen to celebrate their love of getting high by you know, getting high. And celebrate they should. Pot's been legalized in two states, decriminalized in a bunch of others, and 'cause I want to get high' qualifies as a legitimate reason to get a medicinal marijuana card. And if that's your thing, that's great. I mean, great for you. If you're not into weed, stoners can be a little...sorry, how do I put this gently? Exhausting? I'm not judging, but holy shit do you guys know what you sound like when you're high?

Anyway, I'm neither religious nor into weed, but I think it's kind of cool that these two celebrations line up this year. Like, regardless of whether or not you believe Jesus had supernatural powers, he was a long-haired, bearded dude who told people to chill out, give all their money away and love each other. Sound familiar? Like, does anyone really think he'd have a problem with people getting stoned now and then?

Ok, some people might think he'd have a problem with it...
Pictured: What rich, conservative evangelicals
think Judgement Day is going to look like.

Also, Happy St. Spockington's Day!

What am I doing to mark the occasion? I'm glad I'm pretending you asked. I'll be watching Star Trek II and III back-to-back. How come? Well, as the founder and only member of the Church of Vulcantology, I'll be reflecting on the life of Spock, who died getting the warp core back online and then was resurrected in the third movie when Leonard Nimoy realized that nobody cared about his poetry.

...um...no. Sorry, I'm not trying to be a dick but
you're always going to be Spock. Embrace it.

Breaking News: Elderly Rich Man Unhappy About Paying Taxes

Hey, remember Donald Rumsfeld? He was the Secretary of Defense during the Bush administration, you know, the one with all the wars? Well he's back and he's angry with the IRS. So angry that he's written them a scathing letter outlining his frustration with how our tax system is like super complicated...if you're worth $15 million.

"Like most Americans, I am sick and tired of trying to figure out which
form to fill out to report income from the sale of my second beach house."

He went on to complain about the rap
music and how the youngsters are
wearing their dungarees too low.

"As in prior years, it is important for you to know that I have absolutely no idea whether our tax returns and our tax payments are accurate. I say this despite the fact that I am a college graduate and I try hard to make sure our tax returns are accurate...This note is to alert you folks that I do not know whether or not my tax returns are accurate..." 

-Donald Rumsfeld,

suddenly giving a shit about 

providing accurate information

Looks like Don will have to do his taxes with
the accountants he has, not the accountants
he might want or wishes he had at the time.

Seriously, read the letter and count the number of times he says that he doesn't know if he's done his taxes correctly. I know what you're thinking: he's rich, he should hire an accountant. Well get this: he did hire an accountant and he even says that he thinks they know what they're doing. Alright, cool, so what's he still complaining about? Got me. I think he just likes complaining. I mean, this guy basically ran two simultaneous wars, shouldn't he be able to figure out which boxes to check on a -yeah...I think I just answered my own question. 

Anyway, since congress actually writes the tax code and not the underpaid federal employee at the IRS who's going to have to read his angry old man letter, I'm not really clear on what he hoped to accomplish by writing and then posting it to his Twitter page which is coincidentally wallpapered with the cover of his book, Rumsfeld's Rules: Leadership Lessons in Business, Politics, War and Life. Available now on Amazon.com...oh, now I get it.

Judging from the title, I'm going to assume that it's a cautionary tale.

Have you hugged a cyborg today?

What are they exploring? How no
one wants to talk to you when you
have a camera strapped to your face?

Have you ever felt like something was missing from your life and/or face? Do you find living in the real world to be a needless distraction from screwing around online? Or have you ever just wished that instead of talking to your fellow humans, you could just stand alone in the corner of the room recording everything other people do or say like a detached observer, silent, yet unnerving? You have? Oh good, you're in luck then because Google is giving early adopters another chance to get Google Glass early. It's part of their 'Explorers' program and happens tomorrow for one day only. Oh, and I guess I don't have to mention this, but regular people need not apply.

Above: Just the kind of idiots
Google is looking for.

Yeah, regular people. Google's plan is to sell the devices at a discouragingly high price (say, $1,500) in an effort to keep away the rabble and ensure that the people who snap one up on Tuesday are tech-savvy gadget whores who will provide the company with useful, informed feedback and not just complain about how it doesn't come in goldpaigne. Now if it sounds a little like Google is asking people to throw down $1,500 do do their market research for them, that's only because that's exactly what they're doing.

So Google Glass is expensive, makes you look like an idiot and essentially sends the message to anyone you might be talking to that they're not quite important enough for you to stop staring at goddamn Pinterest for five minutes and give them your full attention, but is that any reason to assault someone for wearing it? ...the answer I'm looking for here is 'no...'

"Yes, of course I'm listening. Inoperable, got it-oh my god,
have you seen these Minion cupcakes on Pinterest? So adorbs!"

To be clear: if you see this guy on the
street do punch him and then run away.
Their shields need time to adapt, so you
 should be able to get in a hit or two.

Check out what happened to this guy. His name is Kyle Russell and he was just walking around San Francisco, when some asshole ripped the Glass off his face, smashed it and ran away. The hell, right? My first thought was that maybe the mugger mistook him for the vanguard of a Borg invasion in which case he was sort of a hero, but it turns out he probably just blamed Russell for the gentrification that has transformed the city from an expensive playground for the wealthy into an astronomically priced playground for the super wealthy. Yeah, ok, understandable, but how's that Russell's fault?

That soft, mechanical whine you heard
was just his servos turning the other cheek.

The assailant, according to Russell, spotted the Glass and figured he was just another one of the thousands of rich, tech-company employees who've descended on San Francisco like locusts with stock options. Russell, who actually lives in Berkley, was pretty zen about the whole thing:

"...I can see why the person who smashed my glass did what he did."

-Kyle Russell, writer, possible cyborg

Look, we're hurtling uncontrollably towards the future and whether it's a smart phone, Google Glass, or some kind of the wireless device implanted directly into the cerebral cortex, we're all sooner or later going to become cyborgs, so why not embrace it? Sure, there's always going to be early adopters out there with more money than sense, willing to drop crazy money on untested, bleeding edge technology, but that's no reason to mug them. Besides, the machines have long memories...

In the future, high rents will no longer be an issue anyway.
Everyone will have their own nice, cozy alcove in which to
regenerate their organic components. Enjoy!