Tuesday, August 16, 2022

Is it ghoulishly shameless or shamelessly ghoulish?

What the actual? How long has Murder House Flip been a thing? Well, ok, two seasons, but I think my question stands: what the actual?
"Hmm...yes. Yes, let's go with the logo where the house
is bleeding. It's perfect. So tasteful, you know?"
-A Roku marketing person who
might possibly be a sociopath
"Wait 'till you hear where they found
the torso, you're going to love this."
I ask because evidently someone, somewhere, saw the morbid fascination we Americans have with murders that aren't happening directly to us (yet anyway), and the equally morbid fascination with trying to afford housing and thought that these two great tastes would taste great together. And the result is Murder House Flip--which does exactly what it says on the tin: a show where two hosts, Sarah Listi and Mikel Wellch try to rehab house where gruesome killings have taken place. I wish I were kidding.

Well, probably not them, I mean, I think contractors usually do the actual work, but the hosts are also there. So they're kind of like the Property Brothers if the Property Brothers used UV lights to detect bodily fluids. Which I don't think they do, I don't watch TLC so who knows?
Look, if you're going to pretend to do the work at least dress like it.
Nobody's ever installed luxury vinyl plank flooring in a polo.
Unspeakable sure, but
what a deal!
Anyway, I watched an episode about a couple who bought the scene of a triple homicide and it's quite a thing watching people rationalize their decision to live with blood-soaked wainscoting. 

"We feel really sad about happened here and um, we feel sad for the neighborhood...like, it's unspeakable."

-Alex, speaking about it

"The right backsplash tiles can really
make you forget about the brutal slayings."
"The front yard is a metaphorical graveyard, obviously." Says Alex and I have to disagree with him there. Disagree and be super-pedantic. The front yard is where two of the victims were gunned down, not buried, so it's not a metaphorical graveyard so much as it is a literal crime scene. He goes on: "We're just trying to create like new memories that will help us replace all the trauma and everything that happened here." To which his partner Britt adds: "And just not have that one afternoon be like, the only thing that this house in known for."

I get that the housing situation in is brutal. And while I can blame Roku for making a show that exploits actual crimes, I don't really blame the people for overlooking a house's faults, even murder. But I'm sorry, because there is no backyard barbecue, elaborate annual Christmas lights display, or 70's style key party that will ever make this house not be forever known as the triple murder house.
Unless someone pulls off a quadruple murder down the street?
Which, this being America, isn't really a long longshot.

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