The (Florida) Kids are Alright

It's this policy, combined with a desire to avoid
paying writers, that gave us COPS. So...thanks?

So Florida Man, amiright? If you're unfamiliar, and how could you be? But if you are, it's this phenomenon where there appears to be a disproportionate number of news stories whose headlines begin with: "Florida Man..." and then go on to describe something foolish or embarrassing, and then we all roll our eyes and say "that's Florida for you." And that's not fair. According to the Miami New Times, public and police records are open to the public, so it's not that Floridians are dumber than anyone else, it's just that we hear about other states. 

But that said, Governor Rick DeSantis and the entire state GOP can, as a group, go fuck themselves. They really can. You probably heard about the freshly passed "don't say gay" bill which critics say targets LGBTQ+ kids and which Rick DeSantis insists doesn't actually say "don't say gay." And he's right. It does not say "don't say gay." 

Pictured: Rick DeSantis, taking a reporter to task for
having the temerity to ask questions. 

It's a short list of gender identities that
don't make Republicans uncomfortable.

But it does target the queer community. Of course it does. It specifically bans discussion of sexual orientation in kindergarten through fifth grade, which, fine, I mean, who's talking about sex in kindergarten through fifth grade? No one, right? Cool, so why do they need a bill about it? And why does it prohibit discussion of sexual orientation rather than sex in general? It also prohibits discussion of gender identity. But they're still going to use terms like girls and boys, right? So really their issue is with certain gender identities. You know, the ones that make Republicans uncomfortable?

"This is a safe space, we can talk about
anything. It's between you, me, and your
parents. Here, I'll put them on speaker."

-Some guidance counselor

It also requires schools to notify parents if students--wait, no, it prohibits school districts from adopting procedures that prohibit school personnel from notifying a parent about specified information or--sorry, it's complicated wording. Which I think is by design, but basically it says that school personnel can't withhold information from parents. So if a student comes to a teacher or guidance counselor and says they're struggling with say, their sexual orientation or gender identity, the school is supposed to notify the parents--or, as the bill provides, the school isn't supposed to not notify them.

Yeah, we've actually not been
outwitted by the state that invented
harassing alligators for fun.

Because the parents rights. Of course the school shouldn't withhold information about your kids, right? It almost sounds reasonable except when you bear in mind that parents sometimes do things like disown their queer children, or send them to gay conversion therapy and that maybe a teacher or a guidance counselor is their only support. But sure, fine, Rick DeSantis is right, the bill doesn't technically say the exact words "Don't say gay." It's very cleverly worded to give proponents rhetorical cover, but it does, in fact, prohibit discussion of queer and trans identity. So yeah...don't say gay.

Anyway, all this to say I stand by the term Florida Man in reference certain Florida men and women. Specifically the Governor and state Republicans who, in a world where LGBTQ+ youth are far more likely to attempt suicide, said "hey, let's do what we can to make that worse." So like I said, Florida Man can go fuck himself. Wait, sorry, he shouldn't not go fuck himself. Florida kids on the other hand, who staged massive walkouts across the state yesterday give us all hope for the sunshine state.

And to them we say: gay gay gay gay gay gay gay. Gay.