From Bananas to Bananas Foster

So remember when that seventeen-year old from Illinois grabbed his gun and drove to Wisconsin and shot three people, killing two of them? And then he said it was self-defense because he felt threatened while waving an assault rifle around at unarmed protestors? Bananas, right? Well, it gets more bananas: he just posted a two million dollar bail.

One might go so far as to say Bananas Foster.

"To crime!"

-murder suspects

Bail! Which, why? I'm not a legal expert, but bail, as a thing, doesn't make a lot of sense to me. If a suspect is awaiting trail and is either dangerous or a flight risk or both, why is their ability to come up with bail money a factor? So let's say two people are each arrested on suspicion of murder and both have their bail set at a hundred thousand dollars. One works at, I don't know Denny's and sits in jail for months because holy shit, a hundred grand. Meanwhile the other suspect is an investment banker and awaits trial on their yacht or whatever. That's messed up, right?

It's just-wait, you don't suppose that the American criminal justice system, like virtually every aspect of our culture, is hopelessly skewed in favor of the wealthy do you?

"Uh-oh, they're on to us, better do another Prime Day..."

-Jeff Bezos, seen here getting richer

Finally, someone sticking up for
the people who have all the power.

But whatever, back to Kyle Rittenhouse, the kid who crossed state lines with a gun he shouldn't have had access to so he could high-five some cops and shoot some Antifas. He didn't have the two million dollars necessary to spring himself from the Wisconsin pokey. But you know who does? Conservatives. Where as most rational people would look at Rittenhouse as a vigilante who went to Wisconsin looking for trouble, to conservatives he's apparently a brave teen hero who heroically tried to defend property with disproportionate and deadly force. 

But back to the not super-wealthy Rittenhouse whose bail was paid by fans of police violence. According to his lawyer's tweet:

Above: Rittenhouse defense attorney, Lin Wood
 seen here looking about like you'd picture him.

"Just off the phone with Kyle. With tears in my eyes, I listened as he expressed thanks to The People for your prayers, donations and support. He prayed every day & night said God lifted him up every time he fell. Kyle is a hero. So are his supporters. Keep him in your prayers. <Praying emoji>"

-Lin Wood, with tears in his 

cold dead eyes, living up to 

the term devil's advocate

 

Yikes. That's uh...wow. A hero huh...does he, does Wood not know what this kid did? Because again, assault rifle, unarmed protestors, state lines, murder...I'm no theologian, but I'd really like to see the part of the Bible where Jesus says "Shoot ye the unarmed protestors, for they are libruls and pleaseth me not. Back thee the Blue."

I mean, clearly God didn't pick him up every time he fell...

Lindell and Trump seen here joking.
Probably about children locked in cages.

But he's his lawyer, I guess he has to lay it on thick. This however is where this goes from just another story about armed white men feeling under-appreciated and enters the Bananas Foster zone. The lion share of Rittenhouse's bail was paid off by Mike Lindell, the Trump sycophant and MyPillow.com CEO and by Ricky Schroder, the kid from Silver Spoons. You know, that 80's sitcom about how rich people have hearts of gold? I'm not sure if it's irony or not, but who'd have seen this coming?

Two people are dead and the kid that shot them is walking around free thanks to Ricky from Silver goddamn Spoons and that pillow guy from those ads you can't skip. Everything is madness and all that's left is for some Lovecraftian elder-god space horror to come out of the sea and put an end to our civilization.

In many ways, it might actually come as a relief.