In these uncertain times...

Pictured: The real victims here.

As we sink ever deeper into crisis it's important to keep in mind that we're Americans. We've made it through the Great Depression, two World Wars, 9/11 and now this. With the strong, steady hand of a dedicated public servant at the helm of the ship of state to guide us through, I'm sure we can-oh, right. We've got a rambling narcissistic gameshow host tearing his butterscotch coiffure out over how the pandemic is affecting the Dow Jones. We're screwed is what I'm saying.

Or are we? Well, yes, but you will be relieved to know, as I was, that Old Navy is closely monitoring the situation-presumably from Old Navy's state-of-the-art pandemic crisis monitoring center. Test assured they are taking all necessary steps to make sure that even now, with everything going on, we'll get through this together.

"Westfield Mall is out of women's medium tanks. Repeat: Westfield is
out of women's medium tanks. We trained for this people. Let's go to work."

According to the reassuring email sent to me by the Old Navy marketing department, the company will be:

• monitoring all stores to ensure they are stocked with the appropriate cleaning supples
• increasing the frequency of regularly scheduled cleanings and sanitization efforts across our stores and distribution centers...
• recommending all employees take precautionary health measures, including frequent hand washing, social distancing, staying home when sick, and pausing all non-essential work travel

"Paid...paid sick days for..."

-Old Navy execs

Cool, so cleaning supplies, hand washing and not coming to work when you're sick. Um...thanks? I mean, the CDC and the WHO have been saying this for a while now, but sure, way to take the most basic, sensible precautions. How 'bout paid sick days for staff? Most retail employees can't afford to miss a-wai-hey, do you hear that? It sounds like laughter? Anyway, the best part is where the retailer suggests that not only do they care about me and my loved ones, but also that I should come shop at their store in the middle of all this.

Pictured: a bastion of certainty
in an uncertain world.

I mean, just try to read this without tearing up:

"In these uncertain times, the one thing that remains unwavering is our commitment to bring you and your loved ones the most considerate (and fun!) shopping experience possible. Currently, we remain open in your local neighborhoods and are always ready to welcome you 24/7 on oldnavy.com."

-Old Navy, unwaveringly

Move over a mother's love, Old Navy's
commitment to our shopping experience
is the one thing we can all count on.

Really? In these uncertain times the one thing that remains unwavering is Old navy's commitment to me, my family and my shopping experience. That's the one unwavering thing? I find that...bleak. I'm sure whoever wrote this though it sounded, I don't know, thoughtful? But then they suggest that we come on down to our local Old Navy and shop, secure in the knowledge that the staff is washing their hands more than usual. Which, is it me or does this kind of fly in the face of them caring about their customers not catching this thing?

Like, which is it? Do they want us to be safe from this outbreak which is killing dozens, putting thousands more at risk and threatening to plunge the global economy into a recession or do they want to sell us slim fit jeans and polos?

"Sure you've put yourself and others at unnecessary risk, but I mean, the savings, right?"

-Some doctor