Today in primitive wig technology:

Pictured: garbage cowards, seen here
defending their cowardly garbage silence.
Not pictured: a spine.

Huh? Well, yes, I did just read that the State Department just ordered a key witness in the Ukraine scandal not to appear before Congress this morning in a transparent move on the part of the Trump administration to cover up all those crimes the President has committed, but I want to talk about Star Trek. It's not that I'm disengaged, it's that there's really nothing I can add to the discussion. The President clearly abused his power and the GOP refuses to acknowledge it because they're spineless garbage cowards.

Pictured: people enjoying themselves
outdoors without a tv...somehow.

So, Star Trek. We just got trailers this last weekend for both Discovery season 3 and Picard. Two Star Trek shows at once? It's like we're living in the 90's again. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've been pouring over the new footage, scrubbing back and fourth and looking for all the little details about what to expect-wait, actually I am a little ashamed. That's the act of an obsessed fan. Let's say I casually watched them, shrugged and then went outside for...I don't know, a run? Followed by some kind of social activity.

"We're uh...we're still going to
complain about canon. Just a heads up."

-Fans

Anyway, so the trailers. Spoilers I guess if you haven't season Discovery season two. Still there? Great. It looks like the future into which the ship was hurtled last season is one in which the Federation is in kind of a bad way and it's up to the crew of Discovery to set things back on course. It's something like 900 years later so the writers can finally relax and tell new stories without fans getting all butt-hurt about canon. I mean, who even does that? What? Don't look at me like that, I'm not that bad. Am I?

For real. Stop with this. It's
silly and everyone hates it.

Ok, I am that bad. Here, let me nitpick. I caught the first of the new Short Treks this weekend, the one about Spock and Number One trapped in a turbolift and it was fine. It was fine, really. But here's my issue and buckle up because I'm going to get into the weeds here. The nerd weeds. This is something Discovery started doing in season two and it really bothers me. They keep cutting to these interior shots in which the elevators are careening through a cavernous, Willy Wonka maze of tubes inside the ship and it's just dumb.

It's super nitpicky and any rational human being probably wouldn't care but c'mon. Since when is the ship entirely hollow? It's not the TARDIS. We're nerds, we've been looking at blue prints and diagrams of the Enterprise for decades, the ship simply isn't big enough to accommodate these shots and-yes, I know how I sound.

"Look at these diagrams. Look at them! I ask you where exactly
are these turbolift roller coasters, hmmmmm? Where?"

-Some obsessed fan...not me though

Jean-Luc, c'mon, she's clearly evil or
controlled by a parasite, just stun her.

Fine, I'll move on. The trailer for Picard is increasingly looking like a greatest hits of Star Trek. We see more Seven of Nine from Voyager dual wielding phaser rifles, Hugh the Borg is there, puffy CG Data is in some kind of dream sequence there's even an old Romulan Bird of Prey from the original series. It's bananas. We catch a glimpse of an android factory, Picard losing his shit at some random admiral who, if this is keeping in true TNG tradition is almost certainly corrupt, oh, and Riker and Troi living their best Alaska life! Sold.

It's all very cleverly designed to milk the nostalgia we all feel for TNG and I'm there for it. Nitpick? Well, ok, maybe just one. So I don't want to tell CBS how to future, but they seriously need to get their wig technology together because Data:

I mean, he's a super-sophisticated android built by a genius in the
 twenty-fourth century. Have they never heard of lace front wigs?

Yes, it's a stew and they're covering
bases. It's a metaphor smoothie.

That aside, based on the trailer, I can't hep but wonder if CBS playing isn't playing it safe by handing out such heaping helpings of fan service, Safe or cynical. Discovery is great, but I think they alienated a lot of fans with its more action-focused tone and wild deviations from trek canon. These trailers both look like an attempt to course correct. With Discovery set so far in the future, there's no established continuity to run afoul of. And with Picard throwing so many existing Trek elements into the pot like some kind of nerd stew, it's like they're covering all the bases.

Which, you know, business. It's a business, like a lot of these things are. But the result is an embarrassment of nerd riches. Plenty to keep us occupied while our democracy flies apart all around us.

"As President I'm immune to investigations of and charges related to
my many crimes. So many crimes, beautiful crimes. Everyone says so."

-The President, earlier today