Monarchy-curious

Just to be clear, I'm not pro-monarchy, I'm just monarchy curious. I say that because I read this article on The Guardian about how the political shitshow that is America right now has prompted an interest in establishing a monarchy in the U.S.

What? Sometimes I like to put on an ermine-trimmed
robe and powdered wig and levy taxes on colonists.

"Well, actually, I vote Green Party.
I just think it's time for a third party."

-God, throwing His vote away

Which, of course it hasn't. It's like a Reddit group full of history majors and people whose ancestors were or one time met an aristocrat, and who kinda think it would be neat if we had a king again. Obviously they're wrong, but they're not wrong, you know? I mean, if there's one thing we would totally screw up it's a monarchy. Our democracy is falling apart because half the country is treating Donald Trump's eking out of an electoral college victory over Hillary Clinton's 2.8 million voter advantage as some kind of sign that God votes Republican.

"You're just now catching on?"

-Republicans

And look, this isn't my usual sour grapes over the 2016 election-well, ok, it's totally sour grapes, but hear me out none the less. The kind of blind loyalty that's keeping the law and order-loving Republican party from holding the door while Democrats perp walking Donald Trump out of the White House is the exact kind of thing you'd expect from monarchists. Like, he's publicly asking China to investigate his political rivals. Remember how the right lost their shit over Obama bowing when he met a Saudi Prince? Hypocrites, right?

Above: like these guys.

He's basically their king whether they like him or not. Their big, tantrum-throwing, grope-y king. They're big on unity and it's served them well. Like from a strategic point of view, they're views are still garbage. But being in lockstep all the time is kind of how the Republican party, despite not being in the majority, are so often the ones in charge. Sure, he's clearly a sociopathic, narcissistic goon who freely admits asking foreign powers to meddle in our democratic process, but party loyalty, right?

So what does this have to do with picking an actual king or queen and just throwing in the towel on this whole democracy nonsense? Nothing. It's still a bad idea that will inevitably lead to bloody coups but I can kind of see the usefulness of having the head of state and the head of government who are two different people. An apolitical symbol who represents America as a concept or ideal, but doesn't you know, have public fights with the media in front of the President of Finland.

Pictured: Sauli Niinisto experiencing that feeling you
get when you're out with a couple and they have a fight.

Although both countries have hopefully
learned an important lesson about not
voting for blonde white guys. 

In the U.K. which is also falling apart but for slightly different reasons, they have the Queen whom everybody-or almost everybody-loves. She's on the money and cuts ribbons at malls, but all the decision making is done by Parliament and the Prime Minister which-Ok, bad example. But in theory it makes sense right? Meanwhile, here in America we attach all this weird emotional nonsense to our presidents, expecting them to be both public servants and celebrities.

Good at his job, not an raging
xenophobic asshole, able
to spell. Yup, he had it all.

Like Donald Trump was inarguably unqualified for office. In fact, he's only the president because we still have an electoral college and he was hugely popular among idiots. Sorry, that's not fair. Racist idiots. The point is that he has a lot of rabid, foaming at the mouth supporters despite being unfit for anything other than running casinos into the ground and sending out angry tweets. And sure, Obama has fans, myself included, who are maybe reluctant to admit that he was anything other than perfect, but at least he was, you know, good at his job.

What I'm getting at is that maybe it's not such a bad idea to have someone whose job it is to be fawned over and shake hands with foreign leaders, and then have some completely different person doing the job of President without all the aggrandizement and bullshit. Someone who, when they commit a crime, can be removed from office without a bunch of idiots threatening another Civil War.

Again, hear me out. He's Chris Evans, so he's hot. Disney
owns him so he'd be super-popular. And he's dressed in the
flag so right-wingers will be happy too. Win/win, right?