His whitey-sense is tingling!

Again, do not punch the screen. It may
be satisfying, but it's also expensive.

In a move surprising to no one, the President has leapt to the defense of smirking MAGA-hat teen Nick Sandmann. You know, that kid the internet, as a collective unit, would like to punch? Well, it turns out there's more to the story and now we're all supposed to feel bad about wanting to punch a teen, but really there's even more to the story and I'm pretty sure our initial 'let's punch this kid' instinct is still correct. I mean that metaphorically, I don't condone violence, no matter how much this kid may have it coming.

Ok, first came the initial video of Sandmann and his fellow students from Covington Catholic High School who were in D.C. for an anti-abortion rally taunting Nathan Phillips, an activist and elder of the Omaha tribe, who was participating in the Indigenous People's March.

Above: Nick Sandmann and classmates making America Great Again. I guess.

To be clear: Nathan Phillips is likely
the reason this kid went un-punched.

Then came the longer video which shows the Covington group being taunted by another group.There these innocent teens were, minding their own business, demanding the revocation of a woman's right to exercise control over her own body because it conflicts with their personal religious beliefs when another group, Black Hebrew Israelites, came out of nowhere and began hurling insults at them. For no reason! Except maybe for the reason that they're anti-choice goons with MAGA hats, but this is America and whatever we may think I suppose these kids have a right to be shitheels.

But then another twist: it turns out that Black Hebrew Israelites are themselves a Black supremacist organization on the Southern Poverty Law Center's list of hate groups. Wow, so current hate group vs. hate group in training. Who do you root for, right?

The students were just heading Christ's famous sermon on the
mount wherein he says: "To one who strikes you on the cheek,
I say turn and offer insults to an elderly Vietnam vet. #nocollusion."

Like Spider-Man's spidey sense, but you
know, racist. A 'whitey-sense' if you will.

Anyway, the President always careful not to wade into emotionally charged situations, is wisely avoiding making any comment about the incident until all the facts about exactly what happened are known. After all, it would be reckless to simply start chiming in about-yeah, I'm kidding. As someone both gifted and cursed with a supernatural ability that allows him to sense his supporters getting called out for exacerbating racial tensions in America, he absolutely chimed in. Huh? Yes on Twitter. Of course on Twitter. Rome had the forum, Roosevelt had fireside chats and Trump has goddamn Twitter.

Speaking of things that started off
unpleasant and that we wish was
all just a dream, see above.

Here's some of his dumb nonsense:

"Nick Sandmann and the students of Covington have become symbols of Fake News and how evil it can be. They have captivated the attention of the world, and I know they will use if for the good-maybe even bring people together. It started off unpleasant but can end in a dream!"

-Donald Trump, un-ironically
suggesting that this shitshow
will bring people together

Fox News and conservatives in general are painting this yet another example of white conservative victimization. Like how Karen Pence is being called out for teaching at that school just because they're rabidly homophobic or how everyone was so mean to that nice Brett Kavanaugh.

Fox News: The only network with the courage to stick up for the over-dog.

How much spin-wizardry?
This exact amount go spin-wizardry.

It takes some serious spin-wizardry to take a story about how a Native American war veteran heroically interceded to diffuse a racially charged confrontation between anti-choice high-school idiots and fringy racists and turn it into "We all thought this was a bunch of white kids being racist, but it turns out they were being insulted and the media is just being sensationalist and you know what? It's totally unfair that white people have to feel bad about being white. You know racism would totally be over if everyone would just stop talking about it all the time." But here we are.