Don't. Just don't. You're not helping.

"I think America is ready for a rich white male."

-Howard Schultz, shaking things up

Well, the likelihood of a wealthy white guy screwing us over in 2020 may have just doubled thanks to Howard Schultz, the ex-CEO of Starbucks. But what is this man, this mere coffee peddler going to do to ensure that America continues down this dark, insane trajectory of MAGA hats and literal Nazis marching in the streets? He's thinking about running for President. As an independent. Because I don't know if you've heard this, but both parties are full of shit. Can you believe it? So maybe it's time we had a choice that isn't a Democrat or a Repbuli-huh?

No, this is totally different from that time that Ralph Nader had this exact same idea in 2000. Remember when Al Gore won and everything was awesome? No? Oh, right, that's because it's the same terrible idea and will lead to an even worse outcome. At least George W. Bush wasn't on Twitter.

Above: That time a guy consistently ranked as one of the best
Presidents ever ran as a third party candidate and lost.

"I just think we should
have a third party, you know?"

-Literally every 

college kid in America

Anyway, Schultz is pretty sure he could totally nail it and single handedly reshape more than two centuries of two-party American politics:

"I can't think of anything that is a more quintessential expression of our democracy than providing the American people with a choice that doesn't have to be binary between Republican and Democrat. Why should the American not have the choice of someone who is saying, I'm not embedded with either party."

-Howard Schultz on how he can't believe

no one ever thought of this before 

Yeah, that ice cold sensation in your very blood? That's the feeling that holy shit, some well-meaning and possibly even qualified candidate is going to bumble his way into an election that is absolutely vital that we not lose and ruin it, ruin everything forever by splitting the Democratic vote. Like Donald Trump is even trying to goad Schultz into running because at this point a split vote will guarantee him a second term:

Look out Howard, he's using reverse psychology!

Pictured: the percent likelihood of
what I just said. (source: math.)

Look, we know both parties suck. We know. We're simply going to go with the party that sucks less. You know, the one that didn't shutdown the government over some racist border wall, doesn't actively campaign against LGBTQ rights, and the one that doesn't purge voters. No one's saying that the system isn't garbage, and no one's saying Shultz is necessarily a bad choice, we're just saying that our chances of four more years of Donald Goddamn Trump will be 100% if Schultz jumps in to the race. One hundred. Percent.

Yes, the two party system isn't great and yes I know that politics aren't a zero sum game but we have a two party system and politics is totally a zero sum game right now so maybe don't fuck us like this? Please Howard Schultz? Please?

Dooooon't!