Friday, September 9, 2016

It's never not going to be not too soon... Like, the mattress ad right? Huh? The 9/11 mattress ad? Did you not? Here, click on this...or don't, it's pretty um...I don't even know. Here, to help take your mind off of it, enjoy this picture of a baby deer nuzzling a kitten:
Above: something that will in no way remind you of 9/11.
Shit, did I just remind you of 9/11 by saying that?
What exactly made them think 9/11 was
ripe for parody? Was cancer busy?
Did you click? Because if you didn't I can sum up: A mattress store in San Antonio called Miracle Mattress put out an ad for a September 11th mattress sale, because terrorist attacks, mattresses, the just go together. Anyway, the salesperson in the ad invites us to remember 9/11 by saving big on mattresses while standing in front of two twin towers of mattresses which her coworkers then crash into causing them to collapse. And then she tells us to never forget.

A similar disorder afflicts everyone
 involved in the Human Centipede movies.
(source: science)
So presumably there were at least four people in the room when they filmed this. The three people on camera and one to film. That's four people who at any moment should have stopped and went: "Sweet Jesus, whatthefuck are we doing?" And yet not one of them did. How is that possible? Were they drunk? Was this a statistically unlikely grouping of four people suffering from a rare congenital lack of the part of the brain responsible for good taste?

Anyway, the owner of the store, Mike Bonanno, posted an apology yesterday because holy shit, how could he not? I mean, his staff actually managed to disgust the entire internet. And anyone even passingly familiar with the internet knows that's not easy to do.
People reacting to the horrible shit on the internet is its
own genre of video. That's how hard it is to disgust us now.
I'm not a theologian or anything, but
I'm not sure selling mattresses at deep,
deep discounts qualifies as a miracle.
Cherise Bonanno who appears in the ad, issued her own somewhat less since apology. I say that because her mea culpa starts off with sounding like an ad for the store:

"We are not hate, we are love. We are somebody that stands out. We're Miracle Mattress, we make miracles happen...It was a stupid idea that we sent out. And we apologize for our stupidity and we really hope you can forgive us for what we've done."

-Cherise Bonanno, Miracle Mattress's manager
offering her since adverpologies for the commercial

The ads caused an immediate-huh? Yeah, Mike Bonanno, Cherise Bonanno, I'm thinking they're related to. So that must be uncomfortable. Anyway, despite Cherise's plea for forgiveness, there's really no way anyone is going to forget that time she made a funny, funny mattress commercial about that time like 3,000 were horribly murdered on live television, so Mike announced today that Miracle Mattress will be closing immediately which yeah, feels about right. 
Bonanno went on to say that the store would be razed and then the
earth where it stood would be salted so that nothing will grow there again.

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