Monday, June 1, 2015

This week in weird, elderly political sex stuff...

Technically he's an Independent
with Democratic-curious leanings...
So did you see this thing about Vermont Senator and Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders having written an unsettlingly dark and rambling essay for a Vermont alternative newspaper back in the 70's? It's called Man-and Woman and his campaign insists that it's a satire about gender roles, but it contains some sexually explicit and even violent imagery that has people asking holyshitwhatthefuck? He went on Meet the Press with Chuck Todd on Sunday to do some explaining. Here's what he had to say:

It turns out that over
100 million readers can
be wrong. Very wrong.
"Look, this is a piece of fiction I wrote in 1972, I think. That was 43 years ago. It was very poorly written and if you read it, what it was dealing with, gender stereotypes: why some men want to oppress women, why other women like to be submissive. You know, something like 50 Shades of Grey; very poorly written, 43 years ago."

-Bernie Sanders, underestimating the 
power of shitty fiction writing

You know, I'm not sure that the quality of Bernie Sanders' prose is what has people upset, but hey, we've all written things that weren't great. Of course, very few of us had the shit we wrote turned into the 3rd highest grossing film of the year, but hey, there's no accounting for taste, right?

Look, I like Bernie Sanders, I do. He wants to institute universal healthcare and make college free. Like we're freaking Norway or something.
Pictured: Norwegian College students. You can tell they're Norwegian because the
hope hasn't been driven from their souls by the crushing realization that they'll be
spending the rest of their lives paying off the insurmountable debt they've accrued.
Put one of these next to your fondue
pot and you've got a 70's party.
Anyway, as far as I'm concerned he wins at Presidenting, but I'm not sure he's handling this creepy essay thing very well. I'm not a political advisor or anything but it seems to me that the only thing he needs to say about this whole goat rodeo is "It was the 70's. We did all the drugs back then and I wrote some stupid shit. It was satire yes, but shitty satire. Now, sit down while I relate to you my goddamn sterling record when it comes to fighting against violence towards women."

Wait, like the Fifa scandal? I forget, do
we or do we not give a shit about soccer?
Instead he just pulls the old 'Americans want to talk about important issues' thing, which, no we don't.

"What I'm focusing on right now are the issues impacting the American people today and that is what I'll continue to focus on and what I think the American people want to hear." 

-Bernie Sanders using impact as a verb,
it's not enough to cost him my vote, but it's close

I mean, has he met the American people? We love politics and sex, and sex-politics. If Bernie Sanders could find some way to harness our fascination with smut and use it to get us talking about important issues, he might just have a shot at being our next President.
Like, if he could come up with an essay about income inequality that's also
about Japanese bondage we'd have a $15 Federal minimum wage tomorrow. 

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