Rick Perry to reporters: 'I'd vote for me!'

Yup, there it is. Does he carry one
around with him or something?

Wondering about who to vote for in 2016? Well wonder no longer:

"Running for the presidency's not an IQ test. It is a test of an individual's resolve. It's a test of an individual's philosophy. It's a test of an individual's life experiences..." 

-Texas Governor Rick Perry,

probably while standing in 

front of the American flag

Here, let's take apart Perry's list of presidential prerequisites and see if we can suss out just who he thinks should be the next President:

Here, for no reason, is a map of Iraq.

'It's a test of an individual's resolve.' According to the dictionary: Resolve is a noun and means a strong determination to do something. So a person's resolve is their willingness to stick with it, no matter what. You know, stay the course. Presidents should totally have that. Unless of course the thing they're doing is a terrible idea in the first place, then resolve kind of becomes a stubborn refusal to listen to those around you even in the face of incontrovertible evidence that what you're doing is pointless, wrong and ultimately doomed to failure.

Let's use it in a sentence: It's takes a lot of resolve to compare alcohol abuse to homosexuality, in San Francisco and then offer a half-assed non-apology. Hey, Rick Perry did that! I bet he has a lot of resolve.

Resolve: It's sort of like the white, rich-guy word for 'chutzpah.'

Above: Proof that God is angry with
Texas and, by extension Rick Perry.

'It's a test of an individual's philosophy.' Something tells me he's not talking about Immanuel Kant. In fact, I think he may be referring to Christianity: America's unofficial, official religion. Say, who do we know who's not only Christian, but like, super-Christian? Hmm...let's see...hey, during his last presidential campaign, didn't Rick Perry speak at a bunch of prayer rallies? And didn't he also once ask everyone in Texas to that pray for rain during a drought? He sounds pretty Jesus-y to me.

...yet still somehow more patriotic
than the rest of us. How's that work?

'It's a test of an individual's life experiences...' Ok, so I know what you're thinking: technically, everyone who's alive has life experience, so what's the big deal? I think here, he's probably talking about political experience. Specifically the kind every president since Dwight D. Eisenhower has had, like the Senate, the House, being the governor of a State-wait a minute, Rick Perry's the Governor of Texas and that's a State (despite bumberstickers to the contrary).

Stubborn, aggressively Christian and a holder of high office? Holy shit, it sounds like Rick Perry is talking about Rick Perry! Um, incidentally, why isn't there an IQ test for presidents?

He's the total package! Why even bother holding an election?