Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Crazy Safe!

Sorry gun-enthusiasts, but it looks like the dream is over. Assuming that your dream was to someday repel a Red Dawn-style Soviet invasion while shopping for flat-pack shelving units and laundry detergent. Yup, Target has just banned guns from their store.
Some savings are just worth killing for.
 Buy one get one Oreos are worth dying for.
Mulligan went on to ask that
shoppers limit themselves to no
more than three bladed weapons. 
Here's Target's interim CEO John Mulligan asking customers to please be so kind as to not bring their guns into the store:

"...starting today we will also respectfully request that guests not bring firearms to Target - even in communities where it is permitted by law."

-John Mulligan, Target CEO
and crusher of dreams

"It would be crazy alright. Crazy safe..."
-Open Carry Texas
The decision apparently comes in response to members of Open Carry Texas, some of whom have been showing up at Target armed with assault rifles, because that's the kind of shit that goes on in Texas. Why in the name of holy hell was Open Carry Texas so keen on packing heat in Target? Well, officially they're not. Open Carry Texas's goal is to raise awareness of how awesome guns are and how the world would be a safer place if more people carried them (safer from guns that is), but after some negative press surrounding a splinter group carrying guns into Chipotle (again, because Texas) they asked members to knock it off. The policy now is that they do not condone bringing weapons into Target or any other business. Because that would be crazy.

Pictured: One of the many armed
thugs just waiting for you to let
your guard down.
That said, the group released a statement on Facebook which not only expressed their regret at Target's decision, but also offered a grim warning about the store's terrifying and lawless future:

"Time and time again, businesses that have asked guests not to bring legally possessed, self defense firearms into their establishments have seen their employees and customers victimized by criminals preying on the openly defenseless." 

I mean, you're way more likely to
get rained on than shot in Target,
so why aren't they carrying umbrellas?
Um, I've not spent that much time in Texas, but is it really like Mad Max out there or something? What do they mean time and time again? Are they saying that businesses that ask people to leave their boom-sticks at home are vulnerable to raids by wandering bands of armed thieves? Don't they have cops or Texas Rangers or something? And if this is really about the ability to protect themselves, why just the guns? Shouldn't they be walking around in body armor too? You know, sometimes I think they just really like carrying guns.

Anyway, in somewhat more grounded concerns, critics of the ban were quick to point out that Target's customers would be absolutely defenseless against King George III should he spring back to life and start levying taxes on tea imports. Thanks Target, thanks for nothing.
Oh shit, we're going to owe him like 200 years of back taxes.

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