Phil Robertson: Fire-Proof!

The premium channels are in
there, but not basic cable.

Hey, remember when Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson made some pretty heinous anti-gay comments and A&E suspended him? You don't? Seriously? It was like last week. Anyway, he did and they did and then every jackass with internet access chimed in, but now it turns out it was all a big mistake. On our part. Let me explain. When this all happened, some people applauded A&E's decision while others, idiots mainly, leaped to Robertson's defense insisting that it violated the First Amendment. Of course, the Bill of Rights doesn't actually cover cable networks, but sometimes it's easier not to engage.

Like, here, check out this post for example. It's from a blog by crazy people about how Robertson was a victim of an unholy alliance between gay mafia-Nazis and Facebook. Also, there're some links to stuff about 9/11 and the President's birth certificate, so it's sure to be rational and well-researched.

When the tin foil hat brigade is on
your side, it might be time to reevaluate.

Above: All of us, laughing at the
stupid homophobe getting fired. 

So, A&E canned Robertson and we all got to laugh at people like Sarah Palin and Bobby Jindal as they seized the opportunity to bask in the righteous indignation of conservatives with persecution complexes. Great, right? And then this happened:

"While Phil's comments made in the interview reflect his own personal views based on his own beliefs and his own personal journey, he and his family have publicly stated that they regret the 'course language' he used and the misinterpretation of his core belief based solely on the article."

-A&E, breaking off like Akbar
from the Death Star's shield

"I'm ready for that apology now."

Oh. I see. So when he likened homosexuality to bestiality, it's not so much that he was making a bigoted and hateful comparison, it's that we misinterpreted him. See? See how we're at fault here? Shame on all of us. Well, I'm sure glad that's cleared up. And get this: since it's duck season, the show's been on hiatus this whole time, so Robertson was never really suspended. Douche never missed a day of work. You know, suspending Robertson wasn't ever about punishing him for his worldview or for speaking his mind, it was about making the statement that A&E's not a company that's going to tolerate his kind of bullshit. By caving now they're sort of saying that they're cool with being associated with the rancid ignorance that dribbles out of his beard hole and that just sucks.