Today in gift horses:

Now that the initial bliss over the news of Patrick Stewart's return to Star Trek has faded a bit, it's time to start picking apart the motivations behind it. CBS's motivations I mean, Patrick Stewart's motivations are noble and pure. He is, after all, Sir Patrick Stewart. So why look askance at the network? Because by bringing him back, Star Trek, like as a thing, might be taking a step back by looking forward.

Confused? Here, just use this handy timeline. Huh?
No, it won't clarify anything, I just think it's neat.

Yup, any chance to get a dig in on
Nemesis. I'm like a dog with a bone.

Ok, lemme explain that confusing statement. This is the first time since the objectively terrible Star Trek Nemesis in 2002, that a new entry in the series has taken place after the previous one. That is, Star Trek: Enterprise, the reboot movies (mostly) and Star Trek: Discovery have all been prequels. And that's fine...I mean, it's kind of weird that a show about the future has been retreading its own fictional history for most of the 21st century. It's still the future, just the past of the future. With me?

I'd like to go on recored as saying that
more Picard is always a good thing.

Super. So the New Adventures of Old Picard, which is probably not what they're going to call it, is a welcome return to the future of the future. Or maybe not so welcome. At least that's according to this piece by Ani Bundel on NBC News. In it she points out the uncomfortable possibility that the return of Captain Picard might be, at least in part, about appeasing toxic fans. Ok, clearly only in some bizarre mirror universe scenario would I see the merit in someone suggesting that more Star Trek and more Picard could possibly have a downside, but Bundel has a point.

They even have a...robot? Cyborg?
A whatever Airiam's deal is...

Fifteen years after the bold casting move of a choosing a white American male lead for the last TV entry, Star Trek: Enterprise (love Scott Bakula, but it's true), the producers of Star Trek cast a woman of color in the starring role for the new show. Ok, her character, Micheal Burnham isn't the captain, but she's still clearly the star of Discovery, and she's leading the most diverse cast in the series. There're people of color, gay people, secret Klingons, people from alternate realities, everyone is there. The future finally looks like the future.

But then earlier this year we get the announcement that the new captain of the Discovery is going to be...drum roll please...Captain Pike played by Anson Mount. Another white dude and an existing character from Star Trek. Huh. Also we find out that season 2 will center around Burnham's relationship with her brother Mr. Spock. Oh, and did I mention that there're like four or five other Trek shows coming?

Pictured: Sonequa Martin-Green's Micheal Burnham and
the chair she's apparently not ever going to get to sit in. 

"We have the utmost confidence in our
cast. Anywho, introducing Captain Pike!"

-CBS...no, really

And finally, in the middle of the Star Trek convention in Las Vegas we get the news that Patrick Stewart would be putting on the unitard and boldly going again. And to be clear, this is fantastic news. Like, mind blowing. And I am super-excited, but even I, someone who spends time opining about Star Trek on the internet, has to admit that it's not a great visual. CBS's move to so quickly follow up Discovery with such a sure-fire nerd pleaser as the return of Picard kind of feels like them not trusting that Star Trek can be carried by Sonequa Martin-Green. Which is bullshit, because she's great.

Again, don't get me wrong, I will watch the shit out of Jean-Luc "I'm Too Old For This Shit" Picard. Patrick Stewart's personal reason for returning is that he's sick of how Trumpy everything has gotten, and so he's heeding the call because he's an excellent human. But Bundel's making the case that CBS might be hedging its bets here, and since corporations are soulless money making organisms, I'm inclined to believe that that may true.

"A starship hundreds of years into the future that travels great distances
 instantaneously though the power of fungus? Totally plausible. That the
Starfleet allows women to hold positions of authority? Preposterous!"

-Toxic fans 

Igor Ashurbeyli: Making Space Great Again

You might want to have one of these handy.

If someone were to ask you if you'd like to shape the future of Space Law, you'd say sure, right? Or if they offered you the opportunity to live on an artificial habitat hurtling though the airless void above the Earth, you'd take it in a minute right? Of course you would-huh? Yes, obviously it will have wifi. Now what if I told you all you had to do was to become a citizen of something called the Space Kingdom of Asgardia? And that's where the crazy comes in. Or does it? Well, yes, probably, but at least it's well-intentioned crazy. So what the shit am I on about? Why this.

*actual Space Nation may vary.
More on that in a minute.

You really should click, but since you probably won't, I'll try and sum up. Asgardia is, in its own words:

"...the first independent, free, unitary and social Space Nation, which is transethnic and secular, is based on morality, fairness, peace and the equal dignity of every human being, looks to the future and the infinite Universe and is a Kingdom."

-From the Asgardia Constitution, note

the conspicuous absence of an 'everyone 
gets guns' clause. Advantage: Asgardia

"Hey, we support equality and democracy.
Also conquering the surface world."

-Some Reploid

As for the claim that this is the first Space Nation, I'm not even going to try to substantiate it. I'm confident that any internet search into the subject is almost certainly going to lead to discussions about subterranean lizard people masquerading as humans and I just don't have the patience. But the other parts sound pretty nice. Utopian, maybe but not necessarily foil-hat territory. Really, if you can get past the space kingdom part, the whole thing seems pretty upbeat and positive. There's an emphasis on human rights, social justice and equality and it's super democratic. Anyone can join, even if you live on Earth.

In fact, the constitution even requires Asgardians to take on the responsibility for protecting the Earth from space-based threats. And no, not aliens. Threats like astroids and space junk that might threaten the surface.

Although they do mention 'biological threats' so yeah, aliens too.
Asgardia wants to be our first line of defense against aliens.

"Unlimited power!" crowed Ashurbeyli
at the Space Council's inaugural meeting.

They have a flag, national emblems, a coat of arms, even an anthem. They're putting together a government with a head of state which, incidentally, just happens to be Igor Raufovich Ashurbeyli, a Russian billionaire who founded Asgardia and hey, did I mention earlier that it's like super-democratic? Well, many Asgardian citizens are upset that citizenship is contingent on agreeing with the constitution, and that constitution grants Ashurbeyli the total power over the Supreme Space Council and the right to dissolve parliament.

But I suppose Russia seems to have a kind of squidgy relationship with the concept of democracy, so maybe these are just growing pains.

Above: A 2018 Russian Presidential election poster. The translation reads:
"Vote Putin: The only choice for President. And da, we mean that literally."*

Above: Asgardia-1. That technician
 is holding Asgardia. The whole thing.

Ok, so they've got a constitution, nearly a quarter of a million citizens and political squabbling. All they need now is, you know, a space station. Yeah, here's the rub: Asgardia, as a thing, is still pretty theoretical. According to the website they have a satellite, and while it is orbiting the Earth it's not exactly a space station. You can't actually live on it. It could fit in your glove box. But it has an uplink so citizens can upload a file with their name or their picture or a message or something. And that's cool. I'm not knocking it, I mean, can any of us claim to have a satellite?

Anyway, Asgardia's long term goal is to launch an inhabitable 'Space Ark' somewhere down the line and then later to establish a moon base, which cool but, uh...am I a jerk for finding this a little...you know...batshit? 

Ashurbeyli taking the oath of office
whilst wearing the official badge of
office: a space necklace ss...I guess.

Probably, I mean, check out some of the remarks Asurbeyli at his swearing-in ceremony earlier this summer:

"Today will certainly be recorded in the history of the greatest event in human history...Therefore I can state with confidence that Asgardia-the first space state of a united human-has been born."

-Igor Ashurbeyli, on how his inauguration

was the best inauguration, so good you

won't even believe how good it was

Move over founding fathers, some
crazy rich Russian guy just swore
 himself in as the President of Space.

While I'm sure this event will totally be historically recorded in the history of all, uh, history, I'm just not sure that Asgardia is the imaginary space nation for me. Look, don't get me wrong, I want to be on Team Asgardia, I really do. I mean, a new utopian society dedicated to peace and equality, ruled by a former defense contractor and orbiting majestically around our troubled little world? Sounds great, sign me up. But as of right now Asgardia is little more than a thought experiment that takes PayPal. And Igor seems a little vague on how it's going from website to Space Kingdom. 

Like, the website is mostly dedicated to discussions about how the Space Government is going to function and not on say, how the hell they're going to build a colony on the surface of the moon. And again, I whole heartedly support anyone who wants to go and settle the final frontier, but figuring out how your first wave of moon people can survive the cold, hostile environment beyond our atmosphere seems a little more important than deciding how big to make Igor Ashurbeyli's face on the twenty space-buck bill. 

Yeah, it's important to have an anthem and a currency and everything, but they've
 got a plan to deal with all the lethal radiation the moon is bathed in, right? Riiight?

*oh, like you speak Russian...

Hoisted by our own Picard!

It's usually best to just ignore what I say.

Hey, remember how just a few hours ago I posted a blog about how bullshit it is that t.v. series from the 80's are being dredged up and rebooted and relaunched and re-whatever'ed just to cash-in on nostalgia for that era? I know it might sound a little-huh? You don't remember? Seriously? It was like the post right before this one and you didn't even...fine. Actually don't go back and read it, because I'm about to completely reverse my position on the subject. How come? Because I'm fickle, that's how come.

Make fun if you want, but this was
basically our Woodstock.

Also because of the big Star Trek convention in Las Vegas where Sir Patrick Stewart just confirmed the shit out of those rumors that he might be returning to the role of Captain Picard. That sound you just heard was the simultaneous nerd-gasm of a billion trekkies. The last time Trek fandom freaked out like this was when the re-fit Enterprise-D from Q's anti-time future de-cloaked and phasered holes into a couple Klingon warships. Remember that-what? Why are you looking at me like that? Yes I'm single, what has that got to do with...oh...I see.

Anyway, scoff all you want, and scoff you will, but I'm excited for the continuing adventures of Jean-Luc Picard. Sir Patrick tweeted:

Wow, so that's what it looks like when someone who
isn't a garbage human uses twitter. How refreshing!

"I'm a role model."

_Captain Picard 

(actual quote)

Along with the tweet, he included a statement about how TNG got many people through difficult times and that he's humbled to see:

"...how Jean-Luc inspired so many to follow in his footsteps pursuing science, exploration and leadership. I feel I'm ready to return to him for the same reason-to research and experience what comforting and reforming light he might shine on these often very dark times."

-Sir Patrick Steward founding the

Church of Picard, which-sign me up

"Fuck the Prime Directive, eh Mr. Worf?"

-John-Luck Schnicard

So is this good news or great news? We had seven awesome years of Jean-Luc followed by four movies of which 25% are decent. In fact, the last time we saw him was in Star Trek: Nemesis which had him off-roading on some pre-warp planet, completely violating his established character not to mention the Prime Directive. And while we don't know yet what this new series will be like, or how much hot Jean-Luc action we can expect, anything that gets dune-buggy Picard out of my head will be most welcome.

"For the last time bub, I'm not taking you
 to the Devron system. Stop asking."

Yeah, on that note, what could the new show be about? No idea. In typical early announcement fashion, details are scarce and the people involved are infuriatingly coy. Maybe it's a next, next generation, maybe Stewart plays old Jean-Luc in a framing narrative around the adventures of young Picard on the Stargazer. Or maybe we'll watch Mr. Worf drive him around the southwest while he slowly looses his mind to irumodic syndrome.

I don't know and I don't care, what I do know is that the more Star Trek shows they put on CBS's stupid streaming service, the less I feel like I'm paying them $9.99 a month for a streaming service that's mostly The Big Bang Theory and CSI.

Pictured: Sir Patrick Stewart with the cocksure attitude of
someone who knows something every single nerd in the room
would eject their own grandmother out an airlock to find out.

Alfschadenfreude!

Why ALF, I ask you. Why? Responding to the demand of literally ones of fans and in a move certain to befuddle the rest of us, Warner Bros. is considering a reboot of the series. So if you're anything like me, and I suspect you are, you're probably saying to yourself: huh?

"Huh?"

-You, me, everybody

Looking back, the premise seems fairly
unbelievable. I mean, a middle class family?

Yeah. huh. If you don't remember ALF, shame on you. It was an 80's merchandising shitstorm of toys, albums, t-shirts, everything. It was everywhere and it all centered around a sit-com about the titular alien who crashes into the garage of middle-class family in California. Instead of immediately calling NASA or dying from radiation poisoning, the family decides to adopt this super-advanced, extraterrestrial life-form like it's a collie. Then they change his name from the surprisingly simple Gordon to ALF (alien life form) and go about their day. Hijinks ensue.

Pictured: Archetypical Mrs. Kravitz,
hilariously doubting her own sanity.

It's part of weird and kind of unsettling genre of sci-fi/fantasy sitcoms. Bewtiched and Mork and Mindy, Out of this World; they were almost always about the average American family harboring some paranormal secret. The humor comes from them trying to keep it under wraps, usually from some nosey neighbor who is constantly peeking in through the window whenever something sci-fi-ish was happening. Then the family would have to trick them into thinking they're crazy, often resulting in the victim taking up drinking just to cope with the fact that no one believes them.

The truth, be it a literal witch or an alien and all the startling, world changing implications these things entail is right there, staring Mrs. Kravitz or whomever in the face but instead of watching then rock the world with news of their remarkable discovery we spend the duration of the story watching them get gaslighted. In many ways, it's a lot like watching Sarah Sanders hold a press conference.

"Regardless of what the President said on camera in front of millions of people,
what he meant was the exact opposite and you're all a bunch of goddamn liars."

-Sarah Huckabee Sanders,

in a typical press conference

Like the running gag about how
ALF's people eat cats. Aliens, amiright?

Anyway, ALF had a similar set-up although with a greater emphasis on the threat of exposure hanging over the Tanner family at all times. It wasn't just nosey neighbors, but nosey NASA scientists and sometimes nosey FBI agents. Although they were just investigating a terrorist threat. No really, ALF threatened the President once. But it also had an anti-nuclear message, ALF being one of the few survivors of the nuclear holocaust that destroyed his home planet. Like I said, this was a comedy because ALF was a puppet and you know, there were jokes.

Check out all the zany characters!
You know, before they're incinerated.

In case you're curious about what life was like on ALF's home world, check out the Alf animated series. Oh yes, ALF-mania was so vast in the twilight years of the 1980's that the ALF expanded universe included a prequel series. It was children's show about ALF's adventures during the final days of planet Melmac...uh-huh...a planet that was home to a civilization of adorable furry space aardvarks which according to ALF canon, would go on to annihilate itself in a global nuclear war. You'd think it'd lighten up from there, but you'd be wrong.

Surprisingly, and traumatically, the series ended with ALF being captured by the Air Force and presumably hauled off to a black site for vivisection. Because again, comedy. He was ultimately freed in a made-for-TV movie, but by then most of us had moved on, and so for us ALF just ended up in a bunch of specimen jars. 

In their defense, as far as the Air Force was concerned that this heretofore un-encountered
life form could be the vanguard of an invasion force or that he carried a world-ending plague.
So in many ways, they'd have been remise not to dissect America's favorite wise-cracking alien.

Here, for no reason:
Terminator Genysis.

Am I a jerk for assuming that any kind of ALF reboot will fail to attract the kind of fandom it did in the 80's? I mean, I may sound irrationally pessimistic about a TV show from my childhood, and please don't interpret that as any kind of attachment to ALF as a thing, but I guess that on some level I just enjoy predicting disaster for shameless cash-ins. Well, in this case a shameless cash-in on people's nostalgia for a shameless cash-in. Is that schadenfreude? Maybe. It's just that watching pop-culture eat itself like this kind of ticks all the boxes for me. A reboot nobody really asked for: check. Charming Henson-ian puppet that's almost certainly going to be replaced by soulless CGI: check. The hubris on the part of someone at Warner Bros. that thinks all they need is a fondly-remembered IP to recapture the inexplicable success of the original: double check. 

Hashtag Facts!

Um wow holy shit? Just wow. Lookit this. It's Donald Trump Jr.'s tweet wherein he explains that it's not his father who's dragging America towards the kind of fascism once thought unimaginable outside Germany in the 1930's but Democrats.

Not bloody murder, just colluding with a hostile foreign power
to steal an election. Interesting that he went to murder though...

It's a documentary in the same way that
shows about aliens building the pyramids
are documentaries. So horseshit.

Cool. So his evidence? #facts. And by hashtag facts of course, he's referring to a trailer for Dinesh D'Souza's new film entitled Death of a Nation: Can we Save America a Second Time. The film is a 109 minute docu-wait, documentary might not be the right term for this. Sleazy propaganda piece? Anyway, it's about how Donald Trump is basically Abraham Lincoln and Democrats are Nazis. And we all know what happened when Abraham Lincoln went up against the Nazis. Yeah, something tells me this particular documentary plays a little fast and loose with research.

Of course the question remains-wait a minute, is it me or is the title "Death of a Nation" kind of similar to D.W. Griffith's 1915 silent film Birth of a Nation. You know, the one about the Reconstruction-era South that portrayed the KKK as heroes...is this a sequel to that? Because if it is then is Trump Lincoln or the Klan? Wait, didn't Roosevelt beat the Nazis? Impossible, I mean he was a Democrat so...

Because when you're make a sequel to the most racist
movie of all time, I think you kind of surrender the high ground.

"That's liberals for you, never soft
on crime when you need them to be..."

-D'Souza

Well, I guess it's probably important to know who this Dinesh D'Souza guy whose film D.T.Jr. is holding up as incontrovertible proof that Democrats are Nazis or former slaves or-wait, where was I? Right. D'Souza. He's a shit merchant who makes crazy right-wing propaganda films about how Obama and Hillary eat babies or whatever. Also, he once got five years probation for making illegal campaign contributions, but he insisted that that was politically motivated selective prosecution. Yeah, so while he was prosecuted because of his political beliefs he feels he should have been let off because of his political beliefs. 

But don't worry, Donald Trump pardoned him, and that's pretty Lincoln-y. If Lincoln was actively trying to drive the Union apart and only freeing enslaved people who promised to make shitty propaganda films for him. 

"Collusion is not a crime, but that doesn't matter because there was 
there was No Collusion (except by Crooked Hillary and the Democrats)!"

-Abraham Lincoln, 1865

In the trailer, the narrator, who I think is D'Souza himself, ticks off a list of items from the Nazi party platform:

Pictured: That time Elizabeth Warren
and Bernie Sanders started demanding
the death penalty for bankers. 

"State controlled healthcare, profit sharing for workers in large corporations, money lenders and profiteers punished by death, state control of education, state control of media and the press, state control of banks and industries seizure of land without compensation, state control of religious expression, this reads like something jointly written by Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders."

-Dinesh D'Souza proving the 

shit out of Godwin's law

Mostly their platform was about how
awesome they thought white people were.

Damning stuff, no? Well, no. I did an exhaustive search of Wikipedia and looked up the 25 point Nazi platform and while I don't know if this is the same thing  D'Souza is looking at, it seems like he left out some parts. Specifically the parts about deporting immigrants because they're a drain on the system, freedom of worship and limiting citizenship to white people. I don't think the Nazis fit neatly into either the American left or right, but instead fall firmly into the camp that political scientists, using typical academic jargon, call 'goddamn fucking Nazis.' 

Also, are we all forgetting that time literal goddamn fucking Nazis marched in Charlottesville? And one of them ran over and killed a woman who was protesting them? And then Donald Trump got up in front of cameras and explained that there's fault on both sides? Huh? We are forgetting that? Well, that explains it. 

Look, I'm not comparing Trump supporters to Nazis,
but for real, these people didn't vote for Hillary Clinton.

Task Farce!

So when you think of persecuted people in America, whom do you think of? Black people? Women? All the letters of LGBTQ? Well? Wrong! Whatever you said, you're wrong, because the single most persecuted group in America right now is Christians.

Man, you feed a couple of them to lions and they never get over it.

Obviously he wasn't Muslim, but most
Trump supporters think he is, and there's
really no point in arguing with them.

Now, I know that you're thinking, 'hey, hasn't Christianity basically been the official religion of America since the founding fathers made it like super clear that we would absolutely not have an official religion?' And you'd be right, so it's weird then that Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced a special Justice Department Religious Liberty Task Force. And you wouldn't need a task force unless religious liberty, specifically that of Christians, was under threat and the last president was a Muslim so, here we are. I guess...

Oh, and cakes. Gay cakes. Remember Jack Phillips, the baker from Colorado who was asked to make a wedding cake for a gay couple? Something specifically forbidden by Jesus Himself? What's that? Where in the Bible does Jesus say anything about gays or wedding cakes? Why Chapter: <cough> Verse: Shut up. That's where.

Above: Baker and American Goddamn hero, Jack Phillips took a
stand to make sure no one would ever have to treat gay people like
regular paying customers again. It's what Jesus would have wanted.

According to Sessions who spoke at the Department of Justice's Religious Liberty Summit-huh? Oh yeah, again, you don't have summits for things unless there's a crisis. Anyway, the Task Force will:

Jeff Sessions will be sort of like
Nick Fury if the Avengers were tasked
with defending homophobes in court.

...fully implement our religious liberty guidance ensuing that all Justice Department components are upholding that guidance in the cases they bring and defend, the arguments they make in court, the policies and regulations they adopt, and how we conduct our operations."

-Jeff Sessions, Task Master

So it's a task force within the Justice Department tasked with telling the Justice Department how to do Justice Department things. 

Oh...right...

Specifically how to make sure that DOJ employees 'know their duties to accommodate people of faith.' Um, am I paranoid or is he saying that the task force's job is to tell everyone at the DOJ to side with religious people in cases where religious liberty is being invoked? Because not only is that pandering to the religious right, it also seems like it would undermine the integrity of the DOJ. How could the Attorney General compromise his department is such a transparently political move?

As for the 'guidance,' he's referring to, he put out some guidelines back in October that lay out how the First Amendment says that 'freedom of religion is a fundamental right of paramount importance...' and that it 'includes the right to abstain from action in accordance to one's religious views.' Which, no it doesn't.

"Should we clarify that 'free exercise thereof part'? Like, a couple hundred years
from now, you don't think someone's going to think that gives them a pass to a dick
and then call it religious liberty, do you? I mean, you'd have to be an asshole, right?"

-Ben Franklin

"That's fake news, I'm the most tolerant
person you're ever going to meet. So
tolerant you won't even believe."

-The President (actual quote*)

So if that sounds like what he's saying is counter to America's anti-discrimination laws that protect say gay people from being turned away at say, bakeries or auto repair shops, or pizza shops, or, I don't know, being asked to change seats so that a straight couple can sit next to each other-huh? Yeah, that one was today. Anyway, if it sounds like the Trump administration, which again most of us didn't vote for, is doubling down on protecting the right of intolerant people to be intolerant, that's because that's exactly what it's doing.

Super diverse! From Catholics and
Southern Baptists all the way to
Lutherans and even Mormons!

Sessions went on in his super-Jesus-y remarks on Monday to explain how the founding fathers:

"...clearly recognized that an individual's relationship to God is a natural right and precedes the existence of the state, and is not subject to state control. These concepts were placed into our Constitution...and [have] helped us to this day to be one of the world's most diverse religious people."

-Jeff Session Republi'splaining 

the Constitution to us

First of all, we're like 68th on the list of most religiously diverse countries in the world. Second of all, that's the Attorney General of the United States explaining how the Constitution says you can do whatever crazy bullshit you want and the state can't do anything because religion. Cool. I'm sure that's never turned out badly.

"Ok, so it's going to feel like I'm crushing your skull
with a mace, but just think of it of God's love."

-Some Crusader

*ok, not an actual quote, but c'mon, it sounds like something he'd say.

An Ignorant Goon Draws Near!

Move over American homophobes!

Say that's disappointing...huh? What's disappointing? Why this story about a Japanese politician making shitty comments about gay people. That's disappointing enough knowing that not even Japan, which thanks to time zones and jet streams or whatever seems to exist about ten years into the future, has been spared small-minded regressives with aggressively ignorant views about LGBTQ equality. But it's even more disappointing because now I have to feel weird about loving Dragon Quest.

"Slow, plodding gameplay?
Primitive graphics? Sign me up!"

-no one in America in 1989

Well, weirder. I'll explain. Dragon Quest is a series of Japanese role playing video games that started on the NES. They've never been super-popular outside of Japan, in fact Nintendo had to give away copies of the game to get Americans to even try it. They're an acquired taste, but I've been a fan since the first one and along with Final Fantasy, they were my first experience with video role playing games and manga style artwork. That's right, I'm playing the hipster 'it's super obscure, you've probably never heard of it card.' Oh, and also, the series was called Dragon Warrior back then because of some copyright bullshit, but you probably don't care about all that, so on to the raging homophobia.

Japan also drives on the left, so maybe
they just like to do their own thing?

The politician I mentioned, Mio Sugita, despite being a Japanese woman and a member of Japan's Liberal Democratic Party sounds a lot like a old white dude from America's jerk wing of the Republican party (yes, I know, they're mostly wing now). The Lib Dems, according to my exhaustive Wikipedia research, is Japan's right wing party and super into conservatism and nationalism. There probably is an answer as to the question of why the conservative party calls itself the liberal party, but that answer is almost certainly in Japanese and well, here we are.

Pictured: a childless straight couple
who can apparently fuck right off as well.

Of gays and lesbians Sugita said recently:

"These men and women choose not to have children. In other words, they are not 'productive.' I wonder if it appropriate to spend taxpayer money on them." 

-Mio Sugita, legislator, noted homophobe  

Oh, and it gets better. And by better I mean worse. She went on to suggest, in classic American homophobic asshat tradition that:

“...people may start demanding such rights as marriage between siblings, between parents and children, or between humans and pet animals or even machines.”

-Sugita going down a 

well-trodden slippery slope

"I don't know who this Sugita woman thinks she is, but this is a clear case of
intellectual property theft. I mean, we practically invented ignorant homophobia."

-Tony Perkins, head of the Family

Reattach Council and noted asshat

The story was 50% the Japan is weird
trope' and 50% the internet is kinda racist.

Yeah, then after getting tired of being married to their own parents and/or pets, they're going start marrying kitchen appliances and then when that ends in a messy divorce, people are going to start marrying abstract concepts. Holy shit, better start legislating some morality quick because the only thing that stands between the youth of Japan and marrying their Roombas and the notion of irony is Mio goddamn Sugita. Huh? Yeah, yeah, that Japanese guy who married his body pillow. Except he was Korean, the whole thing was a stunt and no, nobody married a body pillow. Ever.

So what the hell does any of this have to do with a long-running Japanese RPG series? Well, nothing until series music composer, and right-wing shit-merchant, Koichi Sugiyama invited Sugita on to his stupid cable access show or whatever to laugh at how liberals want to marry their dogs. Boooo.

"We'll be back with more of Mio Sugita's barely
coherent screed against homosexuals. So stay tuned."

-Japan's Fox News

Above: photos from some other
occupation and massacre...I guess? 

I say right wing-shit-merchant because in addition to composing the classic music to one of the best JRPG series ever, he also cohosts a conservative talk show on Culture Channel Sakura which I gather is sort of like Japan's Fox News if Fox didn't put on the pretense of being a shameless mouthpiece for the bananas right and people who miss the 50's. But that's not enough to make him a shit-merchant. Being a Japanese War Crimes denier is though. The Nanking Massacre? Yeah, never happened says Sugiyama.

Hey, maybe he should, you know,
shut the fuck up about the war and
 stick to composing music?

Sugiyama along with some other right-wing nutters even once took out an ad in the Washington Post to attack an earlier ad about the treatment of 'comfort women.' during the second World War. The term comfort women refers to the tens or perhaps hundreds of thousands of Korean, Chinese, Filipino, Indonesian, Burmese and Japanese women who were kidnapped by the Imperial Military and forced to work as sex slaves. Sugiyama and pal's ad claims comfort women, or 'ianfu' didn't exist but were instead legal prostitutes. It further asserts that the survivors are just lying. Awesome.

Anyway, so now we can add a sprinkle of homophobia to Sugiyama's already heinous worldview. But who cares right? I mean, what difference does it make that some elderly revisionist invited an obscure gaycist on to his stupid show for jerks? None, unless you're a fan of Dragon Quest. Before this story I was sort of vaguely aware that the composer of the series was a right-wing loon, but now that he's attached himself to Mio Sugita's crazy train, I've looked up the details and holy shit.

"[Marriage equality] could make people capable of enjoying normal romance
and getting married believe that they have an option of going homosexual."

-A thing Mio Sugita, a 

grown-ass adult, actually said

Most of the male cast of Arrested
Development, I'm looking at you...

Goddamnit, why do people have to ruin awesome things like Dragon Quest by being gross and hateful? I don't mean to suggest that the icky I'm feeling in any way compares to the horrible things Sugita and Sugiyama spout off about, but c'mon. And why hasn't the game's publisher, Square-Enix, fired the shit out of him? Especially now that for the first time in human history we're finally starting to hold people accountable for their words and actions through the power of public outrage and internet-based disgust?

Well, ok, I do know why. Dragon Quest games are traditional as hell and they've been using the same music and graphical style in all eleven games and the spin-offs for over thirty years, so yeah, they're probably reluctant to rock the boat. But there's still time to pull his score out before DQ 11's international release in September, right? I mean, rewriting and rerecording hours of orchestral music...how hard can that be? Oh...right. Very. Well, in the meantime, I guess I'll be playing Dragon Quest with the sound off. 

Here, enjoy these adorable Dragon Quest Slimes designed by famed Manga
artist Akira Toriyama-who's not a nationalist goon or raging homophobe. At
least not that I know of...Shit, if he is, don't tell me. I don't think I could take it.