Maybe we're doing it wrong?

Pictured: the next President
looking as shocked as the rest of us.

Say, you don't suppose that maybe we kind of had this coming do you? Like, leaving aside the fact that the arcane and antiquated clusterfuck that is the electoral college has screwed us once again, is it possible that maybe the groundswell of angry conservatives climbing up out of their Rapture shelters just long enough to fill out a ballot might have been driven to do so in part by eight years of simmering rage at our smug moral superiority? Because when you look at the résumés of the two major party candidates, blind rage has to have been a deciding factor for a lot of people.

Above: noted red-state shit merchant
and vice-president elect, Mike Pence.

I'm not saying our smugness was misplaced. We're usually right, it's just that maybe we could have been a little less dickish about it. I don't know about you, but I tend to describe the American right as rabid-foam crazy-racist-misogynist-homophobes with persecution complexes. And in my defense, they tend to say and do rabid-foam crazy, racist, misogynistic and homophobic things often while complaining, without the slightest hint of irony, that white males are somehow the underdogs. But when I write off the Republican party as a bunch of red-state shit merchants, am I really helping?

Probably not. New research suggests that conservatives feel something akin to human emotion as well. It's hard to spot sometimes particularly when they're trying to build border walls and defund Planned Parenthood, but it's there.

"Fascinating...according to this CAT scan, conservatives seem to posses
the parts of the brain responsible for reason and empathy, so the question
is why are they such gigantic asshats when it comes to gay people?"

"Hey, this guy on the internet's
right! We are basically Hitler."

-some conservatives

So why are we mean to those we disagree with? Obviously because it feels good to knock people who are clearly wrong about everything, but I think in some weird way we're also hoping to persuade them. We've got it in our heads that if a conservative reads our stupid blog or Facebook post or whatever, they'll see the light. And while it would be totally gratifying to know that we've brought someone over to our side with a clever argument or biting observation, people don't usually respond that way to having their worldview bashed. In fact it just makes them think we're jerks, which, maybe they're not entirely wrong.

These adorable animals get along even though
kittens support school vouchers and puppies favor
stricter gun-control laws. Let's learn from them.

Oh, and also it makes them vote for the candidate who doesn't talk down to them. And that's sort of what happened on Tuesday. It's not all of what happened, but it's a big part of it. Ok, so what do we do about it? How do we get along with a party and a President that ran an entire campaign on turning people against one another? I don't know. But trying to keep in mind that from their perspective they were running a campaign based on giving a voice to people we've been dismissing as ignorant goons would be a start. We don't have to roll over on our issues, but we do have to be civil to them or better yet, (gulp) friendly. 

It's not going to be easy, but it is what we're going to have to do. We're not abolishing the electoral college tomorrow, but we can work on being decent to one another and getting along, even if they are a bunch of goons...sorry. But for real, we can't go on like this.

Although holy shit, let's absolutely abolish the electoral college tomorrow,
because this is absurd. Ab-goddamn-surd. Can we at least all agree on that?

(above: Clinton beating Trump by 200,000 votes)

Whatever you do, don't be a goon today...

Pictured: some goons.

I know we're all supposed to say it doesn't matter who you vote for, just that you vote, but who for is like super-important too, so please, don't be a goon. And by this I mean don't be someone who votes for the guy who's an asshole to women, Muslims, the LGBT community, and the disabled, threatens violence when the polls are against him and straight-up lies about things he's said when we have evidence, recorded evidence proving that he's full of shit. Please, please do not be this goon.

Did her motorcade run over your dog?
No? That's wh-huh? It did? Oh, oh, I'm
sorry, I didn't think-ok, but even so...

And I don't want to tell you who to vote for, but you should totally vote for Clinton. I can't stress this enough. Even if you dislike her. Because really are the reasons you dislike her real, or an effect of the repeated narrative of un-trustworthiness and unlikeability we've been hearing for months now? Ok, maybe it's a little of both and I'm not saying she's perfect, but in every measurable way she's a better choice. She's smart, she's held public office and she's not a narcissistic ex-gameshow host who can't even be trusted with a Twitter account.

Look, we should elect her. In fact, we should elect the shit out of her. So while it's nice to say 'Go vote,' consider saying instead 'Go vote for the only reasonable person running. You know which one I mean. Here, I'll give you a hint, it's Hillary Clinton.'

Can you believe the campaign turned my bumper sticker down?

Fun Fact: The Beast is Bulletproof

Do they not get that if they just calm down-sorry, I'm talking about gun fans and this bullshit. It's an article from NPR about how the run-up to the election has spurred a gigantic spike in gun sales. Fire arms aficionados are stocking up like it's the Rapture which is weird because everyone knows that bullets are useless against the seven-headed, ten-horned beast.

Yeah, good luck gun nuts.

"Yeah, Donald you got me, I hate babies."

-Hillary Clinton

How come? Obviously it's bulletproof and-oh, you meant how come sales are up? Well, lot's of reasons, For one, hunting season, sorry huntin' season is upon us, but also the election. Yeah, people are freaking out over the potential of Hillary Clinton's PC Gestapo goose-stepping into their homes, taking their guns and then making them all get gay-married. Sounds crazy, right? Yes, that's because it is crazy, but we live in crazy times. Remember at the debate when Donald Trump waved an orange finger and accused Hillary Clinton of wanting to murder babies?

Pictured: a Trump supporter calling for
the arrest of Clinton. Not pictured:
even a hint of irony. Because c'mon.

So bananas, but they're just buying more guns now because they think they'll be harder to buy if Clinton wins, right? Yes? But then this election has also seen a lot of not-so-veiled threats of violence coming from Trump's campaign. Like he smirkingly insists on not committing himself to accepting the election results, continually calls the process rigged, but only if he looses and one time even hopefully suggested that someone might shoot her. Shoot her. Holy shit, right? Like when did it become ok for a major political party to threaten violence if they don't win?

Now can we please stop calling
them the party of Lincoln?

Look, I'm not so much worried about Trump fans actually taking to the streets with weapons if Clinton wins, as I am worried that their leadership has said exactly jack-shit to condemn them. Like, 'vote for our guy or else' and threatening to lock up your opponent is the exact opposite of how our elections are supposed to work. These are the things that make us not North Korea. And you know the last time gun owners took up arms because they didn't like the election results we had to fight a whole war. Aren't we sick of this shit yet?

Am I being paranoid for buying the explanation that the spike in gun sales is related to tomorrow's election and Republicans being all butt-hurt over the prospect of another four years of a Democrat in the White House? Yes. But then I'm not the one buying an arsenal.

I suppose we can all take comfort in the idea that any rebellion
fomented by these guys could be put down by canceling their Xbox
Live accounts and cutting off supplies of Monster Energy Drink. 

Today in tenuous historical connections...

This is not one of those at all.

Hey, do you know what today is? If you said today is the day three days before roughly half of the country makes a terrible decision that might put a narcissistic game show host in charge of the planet's largest arsenal, you would be correct and if you're anything like me the thought fills your veins with an ice cold dread. But hey, it's also Guy Fawkes Night! Which, when you think about it, is kind of a weird occasion because usually when someone has their own holiday it's because we're celebrating them. But this is not one of those.

Above: Cersei Lannister out-Fawkes-ing
her political opponents. Also, sorry.

Guy Fawkes Night marks the foiling of the Gunpowder Plot and doesn't so much celebrate Fawkes as it does commemorate him getting caught like a be-Van Dyke'd idiot standing around guarding an undercroft full of soggy gunpowder while his fellow conspirators booked it out of town. Their plan was to cram the basement of the Parliament building with enough explosives to blow up the MP's, King James and most of the Tyrells because, I don't know, they were feeling underappreciated and when things aren't going your way politically, why not blow shit up?

Spoiler alert: it didn't work. James I, the ermine-robe wearing boy detective, sussed out the plot, caught Fawkes and later his compatriots and had them all gruesomely executed because early modern English people were nuts for public horror shows.

Fun History Quiz! Is the man on the right A) an ergot-crazed psychopath
rooting around in the chest cavity of one of his victims, or B) a legitimate
part of the English criminal justice system in the seventeenth century?

(the answer is B, but both might be kind of true)

Above: an unrelated picture of the guy
half the country is going to vote for
on Tuesday. Half. Holy shit.

Anyway, this celebration of the capture of history's biggest patsy grew into Bonfire Night aka Guy Fawkes Night and is celebrated throughout Britain by setting effigies of Guy Fawkes on fire because violence is not the way to affect political change. Except when it is. Fun fact: James' son Charles I would totally get overthrown and beheaded like forty years later. So like many of history's lessons, this one is kind of muddled. On the one hand, we should be appalled when people try to use violence to further their political agenda. On the other hand, that's loser talk. Winners fuck shit up when it doesn't go their way.

Today in hot steaming cups of vitriol...

Hey, Halloween's over, so you know what time of the year it is? It's time to start tearing each other's throats out in response to imagined slights against our worldview! And here to help, as always, is Starbucks.

You're right to be angry. These cup designs are just Starbucks'
way of saying that they hate you and everything you stand for.

"Boooo! Harmony...booo!"

-Jerks

Yeah, remember last year when some evangelicals were all upset that the coffee chain wasn't doing enough to raise awareness of Jesus with their official holiday coffee cup design? Well that, again. Only this year we're throwing some pent-up political angst in for good measure. The new cup, designed by artist Shogo Ota, features people of different ages and races all drawn with a single continuous line representing community and inclusiveness so obviously has become a target of anger and vitriol.

The magic of social media is how it
brings us together in our common hatred.

The cup, contrary to what people thought at first, isn't the official holiday cup, but that didn't stop the angry tweets. Lookit this one:

"Now that beloved diversity has blown up in our faces, the libs @Starbucks have begun shilling for unity. lol,,, how typical"

-@BordongaPhillip, noted jerk

"Curse those do-gooders and their
wretched desire to get along!"

@BordongaPhillip

Like...seriously? Is he Skeletor? What his beef with positive messages about community and coming together in common love of overly sweet, somewhat burnt-tasting coffee? Look, I don't care about Starbucks, I really don't, but diversity isn't some liberal ploy designed to upset people like @BordongaPhillip, it's a fact of living in America. People are diverse and all Ota was trying to do with the stupid cup is remind people that in all the ways that matter, we're all the same; drawn with the same line, if you will and that maybe we should focus a little more on what binds us rather than what divides us.

Also, hot rock? I don't want to tell
her how to vent her irrational anger, but
I think this was as missed opportunity. 

And this other jerk:

"@Starbucks Screw you. My coffee should NOT (and does NOT) come with political brainwashing. I dropped @Starbucks like a hot rock."

-@RadioAnna, another jerk

I'm not sure saying how neat it would be if everyone got along is really the same thing as political brainwashing. 

And again, please don't think that this is some sort of defense of a massive, international coffee chain so cruel and unfeeling as to offer pumpkin spice and then yank it away just as we're getting used to it. My beef is with the ridiculous anger over what should be a universal message of unity and not being dicks to each other. I mean, what kind of person speaks out against everyone getting along? 

I mean other than the guy running on a platform of disunity,
anger and blind hatred. Other than him, who does that?

Let's not grow a beard, shall we?

Hey, did you know that it's November? Well it is and for many that means not shaving. Yeah, it's no-shave November, a special time of the year where men grow beards in order to raise awareness of cancer...because some cancer treatments result in hair loss...wai-wah?

Wow, say, that's a nice beard. You know what else is growing?
My awareness of cancer. Thanks No Shave November participant!

Isn't that a little like raising awareness of
obesity by eating cake? No? Fine...

Yeah, the logic doesn't make a lot of sense. According to the website-and yes, not shaving apparently has a website:

"The goal of No-Shave November is to grow awareness by embracing our hair, which many cancer patients lose, letting it grow wild and free. Donate the money you typically spend on shaving and grooming to educate about cancer prevention, save lives, and aid those fighting the battle."

Unless Altoids cure cancer,
this is not enough money...

So people are growing beards for those who can't, which to me kind of sounds like they're rubbing it in. And the money that one typically spends in a month on shaving and grooming, and I assume they mean the average, beard-capable human, is like what, a couple of bucks? Is this cancer research or a tip jar? I mean, I'm not pro-cancer like at all, and I absolutely think that No Shave November is totally a great cause it's just that...I mean are more beards really the answer? Aren't we done with these yet?

Pictured: your beard.

I'm not trying to tell anyone else what they should go and not do for an entire month, but I invite everyone to shave regularly if that's their preference. Beards, and I mean this, are terrible. No, not your beard of course. Yours is quite fetching, but beards in general. I've had enough of them. They're everywhere. Everyone biologically capable of growing one seems to have one now and frankly, I'm sick of it. Sick of it. Therefore, I propose we defraud a cancer charity.

Look, No Shave November is just a website, and can't possibly have eyes everywhere, so who's to say you're not shaving that ridiculous, unkempt face rug? Again, not your beard. Your beard suits you. Anyway, I say maintain your regular grooming routine, donate to No Shave November and have it both ways. Because seriously. Beards. Ugh...

Stop that! It's not the 1890's
and you are not a lumberjack!

Today in wise investments...

Not to be confused with Pokémon: The Card
Game: The Video Game game, based on the
card game which is based on the video game.

That can't possibly be right can it? $50,000? Of money? That's how much a Pokémon card (yeah, it's a card game too) is supposed to go for in an online auction. I hope you'll join me in a hearty exclamation of  'holy shit!' followed by an open palm to your forehead and plenty of judgmental opining about other people's priorities. The card, called Pokémon Illustrator is, according to the description, is one of only thirty nine ever printed. It was created for some contest in Japan and is considered the rarest of Pokémon cards.

At least you still admire my
skill, rare Pokémon card...

Obviously this is just a stupid card that just sits there, but even within the context of the game for which it is ostensively meant, it doesn't even do anything, unless you count emotional validation. Like I mentioned, the card is basically a trophy for a contest, a drawing contest for Japanese children in the late 90's and the text on the card says:

"We certify that your illustration is an excellent entry in the Pokémon Card Game Illust Contest. Therefore, we state that you are an Officially Authorized Pokémon Card Illustrator and admire your skill."

-Translation of the Japanese text

on the card some idiot's going to buy

Accuracy and journalistic integrity are
the very foundation of the internet.
 Well, that and porn. Lot's of porn.

Ok, so first we should walk this back a little bit. Fifty thousand is what the video game website IGN says the auction site is expecting, so already we're sort of second handing that number. I checked the link to Heritage Auctions, and I don't find anything about how much the card is expected to sell for, but what do I know? Other websites have picked up the story, and if you can't trust the internet, who can you trust? But whatever, let's say, for the sake of argument that a person pays that much for this card. Who is this person? Some kind of idiot?

Yeah, you could send your kid to a
moderately priced state university,
or you could invest in the future.

Idiot like a fox. I'm sure after dropping what amounts to the average American household income on the card, the hypothetical buyer will turn around and sell it someday, probably for a lot more money, and that kind of bums me out. Like, yeah, I get that it's the scarcity that makes it valuable, but that scarcity is manufactured. A limited number were printed with the expectation that they would someday be valuable. That's why they call them collectibles. This isn't some rare piece of art or a First Folio or something, this is something deliberately made in limited numbers just so people will pay a more for it.

So I guess my question is are collectors smart business people who make wise investments, or are they total chumps who will buy anything as long as it's a special limited edition or #399,999 of 400,000? Either way, fifty thousand dollars...holy shit, right?

The Middle Earth Limited Edition box-set
for only $499?  I'd be an idiot not to buy it!