Today in folksy protestations of innocence:

So I don't live in Nebraska and therefore have no stake in this particular scandal, but I do want you to enjoy this video with me. It's Republican Jeff Fortenberry leveraging his wife, Celeste Fortenberry, their pickup, their dog, and even a cornfield to show us just how gosh darn guilty he's not.

Now there's an elected official who knows how to Nebraska.

But we have so many domestic billionaires,
why didn't he take bribes from one of them?

Guilty of what? I'm glad I pretended you asked. Guilty of lying to the federal government about campaign contributions that came from a foreign billionaire. And what better way to get out ahead of the story than to record a grainy video of yourself in your 1963 Ford F-100 pickup truck explaining how-huh? Yeah, he actually bothered to tell us specifically what kind of truck they were driving, just in case that had some bearing on whether or not you believe him when he said he had no idea who's money was being illegally funneled into his campaign. 

"Hi, this is Jeff Fortenberry, and I'm out for a drive in my 1963 Ford F-100 pick-up truck with our dog Pippin and my wife Celeste. We do this every now and then."

-Fortenberry, on-wait, they record damage 

control videos every now and then?

For those keeping score, yes, he introduced his pick-up first, then his dog,
and then the woman he's married to. Because these are his priorities. 

"Accepted illegal campaign contributions
sounds so...crime-y. Let's say the foreign guy
illegally moved money into your campaign."

-Fortenberry's lawyer

Anyway, Fortenberry wanted us to know first. How thoughtful! He goes on to explain that five years ago, a billionaire called Gilbert Chagoury "illegally moved money" into his campaign and gosh darn-it, he didn't know anything about it. Chagoury did this through American proxies who've since been caught and prosecuted--thank heavens! But then later, federal investigators questioned Fortenberry. Can you believe it? Why would they possibly suspect him just because he suddenly found thirty thousand dollars of money stuffing his coffers?

"About two and a half years ago, I had a knock on my door on a weekend. I had been out dealing with the effects of the bomb cyclone that had hit us which was so devastatingly harsh to our community. They were FBI agents from California."

-Fortenberry, about that time 

he had to work on a weekend

"California? This must be part of that gay agenda we heard
about on Fox News. I'll bet Nancy Pelosi is behind it!"

-What Fortenberry thinks Nebraskans will say

Above: Representative Fortenberry
looking shocked, stunned, and betrayed.

Anyway, the congressman answered their questions and was then chagrined to learn that they were accusing him, him of lying to them.

"We're shocked. We're stunned. I feel so personally betrayed. We thought we were trying to help."

-Jeff Fortenberry on how

betrayed and stunned he felt

I say that because in the same video he 
thought exploiting the bomb cyclone of 2019
would make him sound more innocent.

Um...is he asking us to believe that when the FBI knocked on his door to investigate illegal campaign contributions, he assumed that they were looking into a crime against him? Like, there's an epidemic of foreign billionaires secretly funding American officials' political careers and he's just another victim? I have a problem with this. Either he's admitting to some serious naiveté and probably shouldn't have a job where anyone is counting on him or he's calling his constituents dumb, which I mean, something tells me it's the latter. 

"Because I care about Nebraska, that's why."

-Gilbert Chagoury

And look, I'm not a legal expert, but he's saying that he told the FBI the truth, and they're saying he didn't. Fine. But since Fortenberry is only now just being indicted, and it's for lying rather than for accepting the contributions, the investigation probably went something like this: "Hey congressman, did you know where this money was coming from?" And Fortenberry was all "Nope." "But then why would this Lebanese-Nigerian billionaire make such a large and clandestine donation to your campaign if he wanted nothing in return?" "Um..."

Like, that's not how a tit for tat works. Ever. I don't know if he lied to the FBI, but I mean, of course he lied to the FBI and now he's lied to the people of Nebraska, his dog, and Celeste, his weirdly silent wife, too. And again, I'm not from Nebraska, but between the pickup, the cornfield, and the absurd suggestion that he was somehow the victim of a foreign billionaire forcing money into his hands, I'm kind of insulted for them. 

Pictured: what to do if someone tries to make
an illegal contribution to your political campaign.