Today in people threatened by cartoons:

"Goddamnit slow, inexorable
forward march of time..."

Do you know what I don't care about? He-Man. I mean, I say that, but like, I used to watch the cartoon as a kid and I even saw the live action Dolph Lundgren/Frank Langella movie, and it's fine as early 80's animated toy commercials with a hastily tacked on PSA's go. But as a grownup, and one who freely admits still being into a lot of things that I probably should have moved on from now that I have a job and joint pain, this just didn't follow me to adulthood. And that's fine.

That said, I did watch part one of Kevin Smith's He-Man and The Masters of the Universe reboot cartoon, because I mean, what the hell else am I going to do with my time?

Taxes? Compare insurance rates? What I ask you, what?

Pictured: shameless
feminist pandering.

Yes, the one that's been the subject of the full force and condemnation of the worst humanity has to offer: toxic fans. Like, look at some of these user reviews from Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes: "Shameless feminist pandering..." "Insulting assault on masculinity..." "Stop ruining our childhood nostalgia." I can't help but wonder if maybe some of these people don't have...I don't know, other issues they're working through? Or at least, probably should be working through? Here, here's some more of these:

"This is nothing more than more of the same WOKE (sic) ideology you've seen in every other movie or tv shows (sic, again)."

-The appropriately named Turboangst 

Turboangst still hasn't gotten over Last Man Standing's cancelation. 

Haven't 80's kids suffered enough?

Seems a little touchy on the subject of "wokeness." We may be on to something, let's press on:

"This show literally (can I sic misusing the word "literally?") lacks a strong male lead. Change the name to SHE-MAN. Kevin Smith ruined one of the most beloved franchises of millions of 80s kids. This 21st century wokeness is trash."

-Bellizz on how trash 

all this wokeness is

Yup, definitely sensing a fear that Teela, who features prominently in part one, will somehow upend the natural order and end thousands of years of male domination. Which is weird since the slow but steady collapse of patriarchy is doing all the heavy lifting there and also she's a cartoon character, but here we are. 

History will look back on the day that Teela from He-Man
got an asymmetrical haircut as the day the reign of man ended.

Above: Kevin Smith, seen
here loving communism.

"Kevin Smith lied and is a lair ClownFish TV was right and they disrespected my boy He-Man and made it in to the Teela show...Kevin Smith made her a card bored ('nother sic, or is that word play? Kinda?) cutout of all these weirdo SJW leftist that sit on Twitter all day trying to cancel people that don't love Communism like Kevin loves Communism."

-athieistman69 going off on 

communi-oh, I get it, 69, like 

the sex act? What a card...

 

Hmm...ok, now we're just ranting about communism and leftism and it's really just a big tangle of cis straight white American male anxiety, isn't it? I don't know, like I said, I'm not a huge He-Fan, but I thought the show was pretty good and anyone feeling threatened by a cartoon probably needs to reevaluate...you know, everything? 

"Ow! He punched me right in my fragile masculinity!"

-Internet trolls