Today in grim portents of a bleak future:

Hey, it turns out that despite reassurances from a reality show host with no background in climatology whatsoever, climate change is not a hoax but actually happening.

"No shit..."

-The people who used to live in what is now a

 burnt-out hellscape just north of Sacramento

Oh wipe those stupid grins off your
stupid faces. You're generation is still
doomed, it's just that so are we now.

According to the Fourth National Climate Assessment, which is due out next month, but released today, more on that in a bit, but according the report our impact on the environment is directly responsible for the uptick in natural disasters like hurricanes and wild fires. It explains that our continued recklessness when it comes to not ruining the planet we live on will have a devastating consequences for our lives now and is not, as we've hoped up to this point, just some vague menace our children and grandchildren will have to deal with long after we're all dead.

"What can I say? We hate prosperity."

Still don't care? Well then hold on to your portfolio, because not only will the effects of climate change continue to kill people, it will also harm our economy. Projected losses to the U.S. economy could be in the hundreds of billions-yes, with a 'B'-of dollars. Can you believe it? Our precious economy! And after all that hard work Donald Trump has done to make it so great, here comes climate change to ruin everything. That's the Democrats for you.

Wait, is the economy doing well, or just the people who play the stock market? I ask because everyone else has like three jobs and still can't afford rent...

"Whaaat? No, no, the economy's doing great! Trust us. We'll just keep doing
our stock...things. and it'll start trickling down you the rest of you any minute now."

-People whose job is to make 

money using other money

"Pfftt...I can quit any time I want."

-America

Oh and if your wondering why this shocking report about our increasingly irreversible fate was released on the day after Thanksgiving when everyone is busy recovering from their turducken hangovers and stocking up on unbeatable holiday deals on consumer electronics, stop wondering. It's because the President is hoping we won't look up from our Oculus Rifts and spongy, leftover stuffing long enough to see how utterly screwed we are by our almost comically stubborn refusal to do anything about it.

"Yes...they should find new jobs.
Our future literally depends on it."

-The 325 million of us
who aren't coal miners

Wait, are we stubborn or just powerless in the face of lawmakers whose campaigns are funded by the industries whose emissions are ruining the climate? Maybe both? But since we're so screwed anyway, why worry? Sure, we could shift away from our carbon heavy economy and towards a more sustainable model, but at what cost I ask you? Eating less meat? Riding our bikes sometimes? And what about America's fifty thousand coal miners? What are they supposed to do? Find new jobs? In this economy? Wait, is the economy great or not? I forgot where we landed on that...

Anyway, the White House isn't commenting on the report yet, but here's what the President had to say-well, tweet, last Wednesday, while California was still on fire:

Um, it's called climate change now, and it
just burned down eleven thousand homes.