Finally, something to look forward to!

So what, like in five years?

So, is the unceasing shitshow of American politics getting you down? Well don't worry, the end is in sight. According to an international team of astronomers, the sun will expend all of it's hydrogen, expand, consuming Mercury and Venus and then turn into a gigantic glowing ring of luminous gas visible from as far away as the Andromeda Galaxy. Huh? The Earth? Well, I suspect it'll be cooked by the expansion of the sun, but don't worry, we'll all be dead by then.

"Are you goddamn kidding me? I just
charged it...better buy the new one..."

-us, falling for it

The study, led by Professor Albert Zijlstra from the University of Manchester, is the latest to try and nail down exactly how the sun will die. Most stars-this is internet research by the way, I'm not like, a science-er. Anyway, most stars reaching the end of their life, expand into a red giant before shedding their outer shell of gas and dust in a big, fiery whooosh. But many scientists, nay-sayers, really, were predicting that our sun is just too small to go out with a bang. Instead, they insisted, it would just sort of sputter and go out like a light bulb or an iPhone after an update. Which, bummer, right?

Pictured: the inevitable, yet festive
conclusion of everything we know.

But not so says Professor Zijlstra. According to his team's models, previous studies underestimate the amount of time needed for a star to burn through its supply of hydrogen and that our sun's mass is more than sufficient to-look, full disclosure: this is getting super science-y and while it's all very interesting, I'm a little more into the fi than the sci. The important thing to take away from this is that Professor Zijilstra's data suggests that our primary star has absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and in five billion years it too will explode in a spectacular blaze of glory.

Huh? Yes. Five billion. With a 'B.' You've got to love this about science: when it predicts the end of the world, it does so in the most 'cover their ass' way by putting it eons into the future.

"In many ways, the astronomical timescale is all that separates me from 
the guy on the street shouting End Is Nigh. Well, that and the sandwich board."

-Professor Albert Ziljstra, grim

harbinger of our (eventual) doom

Above: an artist's rendering
of our sun. (source: science)

So if you were hoping for the sweet release of an ultra-hot envelope of gas to put an end to the ridiculous spiral our civilization is locked into, you've got a bit of a wait. The sun is about four billion years old right now making it middle aged. But while it's not going to save us from Sarah Huckabee Sanders or more Transformers movies, I guess we can take comfort in the idea that it, like all of us, can look forward to a massive expansion before perishing in a glorious explosion.