Sunday, March 16, 2014

You're a better person than Julius Caesar. Congratulations!

Today is March 16th, which means if you're alive and reading this, you've survived the Ides of March; something Julius Caesar, one of the most accomplished figures in history, couldn't quite pull off. Also, you're probably a better person than he was. Keep these two facts in mind if you're ever feeling like you haven't done anything worthwhile with your life.
"Sweetie, its ok, not everyone is cut out to rule 1st century Rome.
But hey, it's March 16th, we're alive...let's go out for fro-yo!"
Oh c'mon, like any of us haven't thought
about conquering France at least once.
Of course most of the things Caesar is remembered for aren't so much accomplishments as they are evidence that he was a sociopathic monster. Like when he was a kid he was kidnapped and held for ransom by pirates, which in and of itself isn't really that noteworthy, but what he did next was. After being freed, he tracked the pirates down, captured them and had them all crucified. Holy shit, right? I mean, they were just trying to make a buck or a denarius or whatever, it's not like they mailed his ear back to his family. Later, he went on to conquer what is now France, got himself named dictator for life of the Roman Empire, and then abandoned his wife for Cleopatra with whom he had a child. Because he's classy.

Above: Emperor Chunk performing a
victory shuffle on the White House lawn.
Did you ever see The Goonies? You didn't? Then we have nothing more to say to each other. Go watch it now...Back? Good. You're welcome. Now imagine if there was a Goonies 2* in which a grown-up Chunk went after the Fratelli gang, murdered them, and then led a successful invasion of Canada before crowning himself King of America. That was basically Julius Caesar's life. Impressive, sure, if you like revenge killing and naked power grabs, but what did it get him? Immortal fame and a salad named after him. Ok, yes, it got him that, but-

-it also got him assassinated by like the entire senate. You've got to be a pretty tremendous dickhole to get yourself shanked to death by like 60 of your friends, coworkers and possibly even your own son. Sure, we'll never be famous, but at least we've got a decent chance of going peacefully in our sleep, well-liked and un-stabbed. Advantage: us.
"Wha-what'd I do? I'm mean other than challenge the
unchecked authority of the wealthy ruling elite-oh...."

Above: The cause of many, many an
argument before IMDB was a thing.
*No, really, there wasn't. Sorry to disappoint you. A lot of people seem to vaguely remember a sequel, but they're thinking of the NES game called The Goonies 2 which was the sequel to a Japan-only game based on The Goonies. Confused? Understandable. Oh, and get this: The Goonies 2 (the game) had a mermaid in it. A mermaid. Anyway, the game has convinced a lot of people that there was a sequel to The Goonies and some will even swear that they've seen it. This is false and a result of the human capacity for self-deception. Also, the game kind of sucked.

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