Monday, January 6, 2014

RIP Bigfoot, we hardly knew ye...

Pictured: Rick Dyer, recently
unemployed Bigfoot hunter.
This guy says he shot and killed Bigfoot. I say 'no he goddamn didn't.' But who's to say who's right? Hmm...I suppose I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's no such thing as Bigfoot. Yeah, sure, there's a fairly decent chance that there isn't one, but what I'm suggesting is that this guy's never seen, much less shot him. The hunter in question is Rich Dyer, a former used car salesman turned Bigfoot hunter-although I guess now he'll probably have to go back to selling cars. Anyway, he's probably most famous for having stuffed a sasquatch costume full of offal and dead possums and trying to pass it off as Bigfoot's corpse back in 2008. So why should we believe him now? What makes this time different? Scientific proof that's what. Also, why would he lie twice?

Dyer says that he had the body sent to a lab where it has been subjected to every scientific test imaginable including 3D scans and DNA analysis. Yup, they scienced the shit out of it and now there's no doubt. Bigfoot is totally real. Dead now, but real. Which lab? You ask. Can we see this lab? Maybe talk to the scientists? No. No we can't. They're very busy...
"Of course it's a real's's in Canada..."
-Rick Dyer, on the totally
real lab he sent Bigfoot to
Still, I'd watch my
back if I were her.
Now let me say right now that if by some infinitesimal chance this whole hoax turns out to be not a hoax, that I'll gladly extend a heartfelt apology to Rick expressing my sincere regret that I'd ever doubted him and his superior Bigfoot hunting skills. And then I would like to ask him how he plans to sleep at night knowing that he discovered and then murdered the greatest cryptozoological find ever in the history of things that probably don't exist. Not to mention the thing around which his livelihood is based.

"Bigfoot's not the tooth fairy, Bigfoot is real."

-Rick Dyer,
clearing up a few things

Holy shit, I hope Rick stays
away from Comic-Con.
Seriously, what was he thinking? He's a professional Bigfoot hunter and he's just killed Bigfoot. Now what is he supposed to do? I suppose Bigfoot had a family, is he going to go after them too? Now who's the monster? Bigfoot, is...was basically some kind of quasi-human ape, a missing link if you will. He was certainly clever enough to elude human contact for centuries and perhaps, given time could have been taught to communicate with us. Imagine what we could have learned from him, had some jackass with a rack of pork ribs and a hunting rifle not gotten lucky.

I mean, what the hell, man? Was Rick not aware that it's possible to discover something without shooting it? Mary and Louis Leakey didn't fire blindly into Olduvai Gorge. Madame Curie didn't shoot radium. What's this guy's problem? We would have settled for some non-blurry photos or maybe a few seconds of non-shaky video.
Rick Dyer, seen here reenacting his
shirtless discovery/assassination of Bigfoot.

No comments:

Post a Comment