Let's hear it for 'merica!

Hey everyone, it's time once again to celebrate America's victory over King George III and his army of not so well-camouflaged Redcoats! How can you mark the occasion? Explosives. Of course some of us live in counties, towns, hamlets etc. where fireworks are illegal, so what the hell are we supposed to do? Here are some alternatives:

Pictured: George III and Lord Charles Cornwallis
inspect the elite British Warriors. Source: History. 

As long as were appropriating Chinese
cultural elements, let's get some of those
Dragon things too. Those are awesome.

Blow shit up anyway! You could drive across state lines and buy some fireworks illegally. After all, how dare your town stand between you and your god-given right to play with potentially deadly explosives? Sure, there's every chance that you don't know what you're doing, but that shouldn't stop you from waving a middle finger (or whichever one you have left) at authority. It's Independence Day, and there's nothing more American than flouting authority, endangering yourself and others and watching as one of the most famous Chinese inventions light up the sky.

Yeah, it's from Jurassic Park, but
tell me this isn't the image that comes
to mind when I say Jeff Goldblum.

Speaking of Independence Day, you could always watch that movie, Independence Day. It's not one of my favorites, but I suppose that the only thing more American than going outside and setting off fireworks is not going outside and sitting in front of the TV instead. It has everything we apparently want from a movie: explosions, non-sensicle plot, explosions, scientific inaccuracy, explosions, Jeff Goldblum. Sure it's crap, but it is a sci-fi/action movie that was made before they all had that Inception bwwwooooww-noise we're all so sick of. Besides, you could do a lot worse.

It was also about casting off the food.
Blood sausage? Holy shit British people...

Speaking of doing a lot worse, when you get down to it, the Revolutionary War was about casting off the oppressive, powdered-wig rule of the porphyria-addled English King, so I suppose you could celebrate by shaking your fist in the general direction of the U.K.'s current tyrant, Elizabeth II. She's, uh, east-ish I guess. Anyway, fist-shaking is low budget, doesn't require sitting though Bill Pullman's speech and it won't result in a trip to the emergency room. Go on, try it, I'll wait...feels good doesn't it? Take that, Queen!

Above: Elizabeth II Funbucks,
look at all the crazy colors!

Sure, the Royal Family is but a shadow of its former head-choppy, tax-happy self, but it's still important to remind Liz that we don't need her multi-party parliamentary system, universal healthcare, or the billions of pounds the monarchy generates for the British economy every year. Pounds of what? Oh, that's just their crazy British money. Instead of going by the numbers printed on them, people just weigh the bills. It's not very efficient, but it is more traditional. Sort of like how they put a 'u' in words like 'color' and 'favorite.' (citation needed)

But hey, it's a good time to celebrate being an American. DOMA was struck down, racism is apparently over and according to Back to the Future II, we're only like two years away from hoverboards. So, happy Fourth of July everyone!

Right? Racism is over? I mean, that's why you thought it
would be ok to gut the Voting Rights Act, right? Guys...?