Today in righting terrible wrongs:

So despite being a grown-up with you know, a job, I'm still into video games. Like, something I started when I was maybe four. Which, look, I make no apologies.

I regret nothing! Well, except maybe not buying a copy of
Stadium Events in 1987, and taking up an instrument.

Above: Final Fantasy III being objectively
better than everything that came after.

Anyway, as a grown-ass man child, I also have strong opinions about video games. Specifically that mobile games are universally garbage, video games as an art form peaked in the mid-nineties and that Super Mario Bros. 2 is criminally underrated. Yeah, I'm one of those. So I have some mixed emotions about the Switch online service and-hang on, if you're not even marginally interested in video games, you'll probably want to bail out now. We're about to get into the weeds. The nerd weeds and you may not respect me afterwards. Huh? You didn't? Oh, well, nothing to lose them. Super. Let's press on, shall we?

Clearly Jake never saw Ebay coming.

So back in the mid 2000's Nintendo started re-releasing a lot of its classic games on Virtual Console which was a download service where you could buy old Nintendo and even Sega and TG-16 games without having to find a used game store where half the cartridges have some kid's name sharpie'd on them. If you know what I'm talking about, we are kindred spirits. If you don't, well, please stop judging us. Anyway, it was great. Well, except for the fact that we were often buying games we already owned. Like a bunch of chumps. Which we are. Again, no apologies.

The gaming equivalent of somebody's
 unqualified relative...holy shit, is Ice
Climber the Jared Kushner of games?

But time marched on and Virtual Console isn't a thing any more. Instead we have the Switch online service which instead of selling you retro games, it just gives you access to them. The service is cheap and I feel less like a chump. Win/win, right? Eh. It's got the stand-by's like Zelda and Super Mario 3 and wackier stuff like River City Ransom and Twin Bee, but then there's shit like Ice Climber. A game which Nintendo trots out at the drop of a hat, but one which literally no one ever has had anything but disdain for.

Of course it is, and one of the better ones.
Better than Super Mario 1. Come at me. 

Like any good beggar being a chooser, I was kind of annoyed about some of the more glaring oversights like Final Fantasy, Contra and most unforgivably, Super Mario Bros. 2. Yeah, the weird one. I'll spare you the nonsense debate about how SMB2 is not a real Mario game, but it certainly deserves a place in the line up before freaking Solomon's Key. SMB 2 had better graphics than SMB 1, introduced the throwing mechanic, and made the Princes a playable character. Yes, it's different from the other games, but that's not a bad thing. Not to get all 'back in my day,' but back in my day developers were less afraid to try different things.

They're good games, but the only real
difference is who, specifically, you
assassinate. Pirates, doges, Redcoats.
It gets a little same-y after a while.

Zelda II was a side-scroller, the Ninja Turtles sequel was actually good, and while Castlevania II was a poorly translated mess, at least it wasn't a rehash. On the other hand, there've been like ten mainline Assassin's Creed games that other than new settings and some gameplay tweaks, are pretty damn similar to one another. And I get that. Games now take hundreds of people to develop and cost something like fifty million dollars. They can't take risks. But in 1988 Nintendo just took a re-skinned promotional game, slapped some Mario characters in it and released it as the sequel to their most popular game to date.

"Fuck you you rancid fuck!"

-tweens

But despite being great, we couldn't play it on Switch until last week when Nintendo announced that SMB2 is finally being added along with Kirby, bringing the total to thirty three games and thus righting possibly the greatest injustice ever in the history of-hang on, I should walk that back, because you know, perspective. This was the greatest video-game related, but non swatting-related, non-shit-talking tween with Xbox Live-related injustice of the past few months. See? We're not all rabid-foam insane, basement dwelling trolls. I mean, I live in a studio.

"The poor fools...they destroyed themselves
before getting to the StarTropics re-release."

But now here's the part where I turn into one of those jerk fans who despite the fact that twenty bucks a year is pretty reasonable for the online service, is going to ask: what about the other seven hundred NES games? I know it's not as simple as dragging and dropping a game on to the service, and a lot of games have licensing and legal wrinkles to iron out, but with two or three new games being added a month, putting the entire back catalogue up would take over four thousand years. Will we even be around that long?

Someone recently hacked a Switch update and found code that suggested that a bunch of SNES games are heading to the service and that's fantastic, even if it does mean they'll up the price. Which I'll pay because, as we discussed before, I am a chump. But let's just hope they speed up the release rate. I mean the planet only has so long.

Huh? Oh, right. So much for perspective. 

Ronald Reagan Day? Seriously?

Is it weird that I kind
of want some of these?

Do you know what today is? Well get a hat and then prepare to hold on to it, because today is-huh? Yeah...it is Ronald Reagan Day. How...did you know that? More importantly why do you know that? I only knew it because it also happens to be my birthday and I was looking online for something to write about. Well, whatever, it's only a thing in two states: California and Wisconsin. In California it's not a holiday but instead is a 'day of recognition.' We recognize that Reagan was, around. I guess I get it because he was the governor and-huh? I said I get it, I didn't say I approve. But Wisconsin? There it's an actual state holiday so...I hope you sent out your cards?

Among the arms sold were machine guns,
flame throwers and the dreaded spread gun.

(source: public school)

I mean, Reagan Day? Didn't he once sell arms to Iran in order to fund a right-wing terrorist group in Nicaragua? Or what about that time he fired air traffic controllers who went on strike thus forever weakening the bargaining position of unions? Oh, and he also vetoed the Civil Rights Restoration act of 1987, because why should states have to recognize civil rights just to get federal funding? And the AIDS crisis? Holy shit. Then there was the War on Drugs which, ok, that was Nixon, but still, how'd that go? On the plus side though, he did single handedly end the Cold War and now America and Russia are closer than ever. We even let them pick our presidents now.

I suppose we're also supposed to reflect on what was possibly Ronald Reagan's greatest contribution: Reaganomics. You know, the principle of economics that suggests that by lowering taxes on corporations and the wealthy, money will 'trickle down' to everyone else...

Pictured: President Reagan meeting with top officials to discuss economic policy.

Above: A typical wealthy person
diving into their vast fortune.

Except it turns out that corporations and the wealthy love having more money and when you give them the choice between keeping that money or paying living wages, they opt for the former. Seems like we could just cut out the middle step here and tax the shit out of corporations and the wealthy-you know, for keeping all that money out of circulation and hoarding it in their money bins, and everyone would be better off. But what do I know? I'm not an economist. Of course, neither was Reagan. He was an actor and actors are famous for great financial decisions, right?

I just had a chilling thought: will there be a Donald Trump Day some day? Like, there're just enough stupid idiots out there to make something like that happen. How would one even celebrate Donald Trump Day? Vodka and cheeseburgers? Angry, incoherent tweets? Some kind of MAGA cake? Anyway, to my fellow Californians and for some reason Wisconsinites, Happy Ronald Reagan Day, and remember: it could always be worse.

Tastes like buttercream and emboldened white nationalism!

Today in other people who should resign:

Wai-wai-wai-wai-wait. So he's not going to resign because while he's done blackface before he's not the guy in blackface in that specific photo and holy shit, do you know how hard it is to get shoe polish off? Also Michael Jackson is involved.

Oh yes, brace yourself, because a white guy is about to roll out the ol'
'I was just doing a Michael Jackson impersonation' defense. Let's watch:

Pictured: not the photo we're talking
about, but instead, puppies!

If you haven't already heard, a photo recently surfaced (on a conservative website) of Virginia governor Ralph Nothram's medical school yearbook from 1984 showing two white men in super-racist costumes. One is in blackface and the other is in KKK robes. And Northram released a statement owning up to the fact that he was in that photo although he wasn't specific about which ultra-offensive figure was him and everyone, I mean everyone has demanded he resign.

"I am deeply sorry for the decision I made to appear as I did in this photo and for the hurt that decision caused then and now."

-Governor Ralph Northram's statement,

in which he apologizes but...huh, doesn't resign

"Does...does he not get that this isn't
really up for debate? Because it's not."

-Cory Booker, confused

Which is weird, because he's got to resign, right? I mean, he's a Democrat and Democrats don't put up with this kind of shit. Republicans, sure, I think it's in the platform, but among the chorus calling for Northram's resignation are Nancy Pelosi, Cory Booker, Kamala Harris-like, everyone running for President. He has to resign, right? So later in the day he addressed Virginians in a video where he again apologized for-I mean holy shit, this was 1984, not 1884, how could he possibly think this was-anyway, here's his video address:

Pictured: Northram apologizing for
appearing in that photo. Not pictured:
Northram offering his resignation.

"My fellow Virginians, earlier today I released a statement apologizing for behavior in my past that falls far short of the standard you set for me when you elected me to be your governor. I believe you deserve to hear directly from me. That photo and the racist and offensive attitudes it represents does not reflect the person I am today or the way that I have conducted myself as a soldier, doctor and as a public servant. I am deeply sorry..."

-Governor Northram, strangely not

mentioning how he's resigning

Surely he's getting to the 'I resign' part, right? He goes on:

"Did I miss the part where he said:
'I resign?' Because he needs to resign."

-Kamala Harris, 

asking for clarification

"I cannot change the decisions I made, nor can I undo the hard my behavior caused then and today. But I accept responsibility for my past actions and I am ready to do the hard work of regaining your trust. I have spent the past year as your governor fighting for a Virginia that works better for all people. I am committed to continuing that fight through the remainder of my term and living up to the expectations you set for me when you elected me to serve. Thank you."

-Governor Northram...still not 

resigning? Wait, that can't be right...

Speaking of, could we all agree that
 Drizzt cosplay maybe shouldn't be a thing?
I mean, just, just don't do it.

No 'it is with great reluctance I hereby relinquish blah blah' or 'you won't have Ralph Northram to kick around anymore?' Has the 'who I was then is not who I am now' defense every really sounded convincing? Even if true, the fact that he never mentioned this photo until after he got called out on it makes it sound pretty 'I'm sorry I got caught.' Ok, so he's planning to live 'up to the expectations Virginians set for him when they elected him.' Cool but when they elected him they didn't know he used to be into racially charged cosplay.

Ok, so obviously this is totally unsatisfactory, but that was yesterday and today Northram held a press conference. Surely this was when he resigned:

"When I was confronted with the images yesterday, I was appalled that they appeared on my page, but I believed then, and now, that I am not either of the people in that photo."

-Northram on how that's totally not him you guys

Wait, do you mean that metaphorically this time? Like, that's not the person you are now?
Or are you saying you're literally not the racist buffoon in that photo? 'Cuz it's hard to tell with you.

What? People in Virginia like to hunt,
and sometimes people use dogs to help.
How am I being a jerk here?

Now he says that it was his responsibility to recognize how racist that photo was and to make sure the yearbook wasn't published. Which is not what he said yesterday. Like at all. And look, I don't live in Virginia so, I've got no dog in this hunt as I imagine they say there, but I don't believe him. Like at all.

"I recognize that many people will find this difficult to believe."

-Ralph Northram, not wrong

Ok...so after making the statement, Northram went home and thought about it and decided that neither person in the photo was him, but that he went to a super racist school and totally did other racist things including going to a dance contest in which he dressed up like Micheal Jackson complete with shoe polish on his face. But Northrum explained that he only used 'a little bit of shoe polish.' So, you know, it's cool.

Is...is he suggesting there's a specific amount of shoe polish
a white guy can smear on his face before it's racist?

"The secret is dish soap. Takes it right off."

-Al Jolson

"...and the reason I used a very little bit is because, I don't know if anybody's every tried that, but you cannot get shoe polish off."

-Northram explaining that 

it was only a little blackface

Cool, so his defense is that while he wasn't in that specific photo, he's apologizing anyway because he did other, different blackface but only a little because, you know, shoe polish.

"If one of us resigned every time we
said or did something egregious..."

-Trump, nailing it

Again, not in Virginia, but holy shit resign. Yes, I know tons of Republicans routinely do racist shit and nobody bats an eye. There's the border wall, those MAGA people and I think Steve King from Iowa is just openly a white nationalist and they're all cool with it. Because they're the party of Lincoln? I guess? But whatever. If the Democratic party is going to keep the moral high ground-ok, whatever passes in this goat-rodeo that is twenty-first century American politics for the moral high ground-then Ralph Northam seriously needs to start clearing out his desk. Like, today.

It's not like Virginia doesn't have a Lieutenant Governor to take up the reigns, I checked, his name's Justin Fairfax and he's a Democrat so it's not like the party is loosing a governorship. So like, resign already and stop giving the middle of the road 'both sides are to blame so let's run as an independent' dumbasses the satisfaction.

Pictured: Soon to be Governor Justin Fairfax (left), and Northram
on election night back when they...huh, do you suppose that this might
have been an awkward conversation for everyone involved?

It's a-me, microtransactions!

...so, universal garbage?

Sigh. So as I may have mentioned once or twice before, I have strong opinions about mobile games. Strong, possibly unfounded, but decidedly negative options. I think it's fair to say, and I've said this before: universal garbage and-ok, maybe that's a little unfair so let me walk that back a bit: in my personal and admittedly one-sided opinion, mobile gaming, like as a thing, is a cheap, exploitative sub-genre of video games.

Above: how medicine works.

(source: my understanding of 

it until well into adulthood)

Anyway, that's why the news that there's going to be a Dr. Mario mobile game is so upsetting. Dr. Mario, for those of you who spent your childhoods outside doing the sports or climbing trees or whatever instead of honing your hand-eye coordination skills in the sunlight-free basements of suburban tract houses, I'll explain. Dr. Mario was Mario-themed Tetris knock-off from 1990. In it, the titular Dr. Mario-huh? A plumber? Yeah, usually he's a plumber but here he's a doctor. He's whatever a particular game needs him to be. Don't think too hard about it. Anyway, Dr. Mario fights viruses in a jar by throwing pills at them and lining up the right colors, like a real doctor.

And to be clear, when I say Tetris knock-off, I don't mean that in a bad way. 1990 was lousy with 'Tetris but with ____' games. Everyone was trying to come up with the next Tetris and a lot of them were terrible. In fact, one of the worse was literally the next Tetris: Tetris 2. But Dr. Mario was probably the best Tetris knock-off in a sea of Tetris knock-offs and that's a big part of why this announcement sucks.

"How about this: Tetris, but instead of blocks,
 everything is hats. We'll call it Hatris!"

-Some game designer, circa 1990

shortly before clearing out their desk

Pictured: the worst possible
interface. Just...the worst.

Playing anything on a phone or tablet or whatever means playing with a touchscreen and games originally designed with physical controllers in mind always suffer in the translation. Instead of tight, responsive controls you have the ambiguity of fingerprint smeared frustration. As with a lot of mobile games, Dr. Mario World-(that's the title), will be free-to-play which usually means free to start, that is if you hand over your email address and let them advertise at you. But then comes what the announcement calls 'optional in-game purchases.' That is, you can buy things like in-game power-ups with real-world money.

Which in a Dr. Mario game would probably have to mean something like special pills that make it easier to win. So in a game about a doctor fighting diseases players can pay extra to have a better chance of making it to the next level.

In many ways, Dr. Mario World sounds like a fairly
accurate simulation of the American health care system.

(source: topical humor)

"It's-a me, Mario! Go ahead,
don't-a think, just-a buy it!" 

Free-to-play gets less free the more you play. Gross, right? Yeah but it's a practice that's been around for a while now, but it's only recently-like, 2016, that Nintendo's been dipping their toes into it. There're mobile versions of Super Mario, Fire Emblem, Animal Crossing and now Dr. Mario. And maybe (definitely) this is the snobbish fan in me, but it's just not a good look for Nintendo. Sure, as company they've done some shady shit over the years, price fixing, anti-competitive business practices, and that time they screwed over Sony but their games usually have more depth and polish than other developers. But if even Nintendo can be lured into making mediocre games by this super-lucrative, free-to-play, 'buy this to win' nonsense, it might seriously be the grim future of video games.

It might just make more business sense to exclusively do mobile games and (as business people say) leverage and monetize IP's to maximize returns (no one says that). And look, I get that it's a business, but feels like creativity and innovation are set aside in favor of milking fans. And I know Dr. Mario World isn't out yet and that I'm being entirely alarmist but I guess what I'm really saying is that sooner or later, business ruins everything. Everything.

"Hey, did you guys get Marth yet? He's awesome and only $4.99!"

-Some exploitable resource

Don't. Just don't. You're not helping.

"I think America is ready for a rich white male."

-Howard Schultz, shaking things up

Well, the likelihood of a wealthy white guy screwing us over in 2020 may have just doubled thanks to Howard Schultz, the ex-CEO of Starbucks. But what is this man, this mere coffee peddler going to do to ensure that America continues down this dark, insane trajectory of MAGA hats and literal Nazis marching in the streets? He's thinking about running for President. As an independent. Because I don't know if you've heard this, but both parties are full of shit. Can you believe it? So maybe it's time we had a choice that isn't a Democrat or a Repbuli-huh?

No, this is totally different from that time that Ralph Nader had this exact same idea in 2000. Remember when Al Gore won and everything was awesome? No? Oh, right, that's because it's the same terrible idea and will lead to an even worse outcome. At least George W. Bush wasn't on Twitter.

Above: That time a guy consistently ranked as one of the best
Presidents ever ran as a third party candidate and lost.

"I just think we should
have a third party, you know?"

-Literally every 

college kid in America

Anyway, Schultz is pretty sure he could totally nail it and single handedly reshape more than two centuries of two-party American politics:

"I can't think of anything that is a more quintessential expression of our democracy than providing the American people with a choice that doesn't have to be binary between Republican and Democrat. Why should the American not have the choice of someone who is saying, I'm not embedded with either party."

-Howard Schultz on how he can't believe

no one ever thought of this before 

Yeah, that ice cold sensation in your very blood? That's the feeling that holy shit, some well-meaning and possibly even qualified candidate is going to bumble his way into an election that is absolutely vital that we not lose and ruin it, ruin everything forever by splitting the Democratic vote. Like Donald Trump is even trying to goad Schultz into running because at this point a split vote will guarantee him a second term:

Look out Howard, he's using reverse psychology!

Pictured: the percent likelihood of
what I just said. (source: math.)

Look, we know both parties suck. We know. We're simply going to go with the party that sucks less. You know, the one that didn't shutdown the government over some racist border wall, doesn't actively campaign against LGBTQ rights, and the one that doesn't purge voters. No one's saying that the system isn't garbage, and no one's saying Shultz is necessarily a bad choice, we're just saying that our chances of four more years of Donald Goddamn Trump will be 100% if Schultz jumps in to the race. One hundred. Percent.

Yes, the two party system isn't great and yes I know that politics aren't a zero sum game but we have a two party system and politics is totally a zero sum game right now so maybe don't fuck us like this? Please Howard Schultz? Please?

Dooooon't!

The Nixoniest Nixonian who ever Nixoned!

In some ways you almost have to admire Roger Stone. In most ways however, you don't. But this, this. After posting bond he turned and gave us the double Nixon on his way out of the courthouse this morning. Wait, the what?

The this: the ol' Double Nixon, made famous by Nixon.

But with crimes instead
of, you know, laundry.

I don't want to tell the Trump administration's latest indictmentee how to mange his own image, but reminding us how Nixononian you are maybe isn't the best look. But I'll back up. Long time political operative and Trump adviser Roger Stone was arrested by the F.B.I. early this morning. An arrest caught on camera by CNN who was staking out his house just in case. He was charged with a laundry list of offenses: one count of obstructing proceedings, six counts of giving false statements and one count of witness tampering.

You see it works much better as a taunt
when someone is actually going to jail.

Rooting around in his pockets, Stone came up with the quarter of a million dollar bond and was out. He spoke to the assembled crowd outside the courthouse where much of what he said was drowned out by chants of 'lock him up.' But the gist is that he's denying any wrongdoing. He's like totally innocent you guys. I mean, why would he lie? Except that he's sort of famous for it. And proud of it. And even calls himself 'a dirty trickster.' Did you know he used to work for Nixon? Or at least says he did.

Although the Nixon Foundation clarified today that Stone's involvement was minimal and that he was a junior scheduler. So I don't know what's worse: the fact that the Nixon Foundation doesn't want any part of Stone or that Stone is so desperate to associate himself with Nixon that he exaggerates his involvement.

Pictured: Richard Nixon and his
number one super fan, a young Roger Stone.

Because he does. This is real.

(source: no shit)

Anyway, Stone also insisted that he'll never testify against the President which-did anyone suggest that he would? Interesting that he should go there first. Anyway, he went on to suggest that any publicity is good publicity quipping:

"As I have always said, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

-Roger Stone Jr. earlier holy shit,

did we talk about his Nixon tattoo?

Because he totally has a Nixon tattoo

Which first of all, fuck him, that's Oscar Wilde. Secondly I suspect that being indicted for ones role in election meddling and the subsequent prison sentence which we can only hope comes along with it will be much, much worse than not being talked about.

Again, not an expert on media relations or anything, but the 'Double Nixon'
is a gesture not traditionally associated with people who aren't guilty.

His whitey-sense is tingling!

Again, do not punch the screen. It may
be satisfying, but it's also expensive.

In a move surprising to no one, the President has leapt to the defense of smirking MAGA-hat teen Nick Sandmann. You know, that kid the internet, as a collective unit, would like to punch? Well, it turns out there's more to the story and now we're all supposed to feel bad about wanting to punch a teen, but really there's even more to the story and I'm pretty sure our initial 'let's punch this kid' instinct is still correct. I mean that metaphorically, I don't condone violence, no matter how much this kid may have it coming.

Ok, first came the initial video of Sandmann and his fellow students from Covington Catholic High School who were in D.C. for an anti-abortion rally taunting Nathan Phillips, an activist and elder of the Omaha tribe, who was participating in the Indigenous People's March.

Above: Nick Sandmann and classmates making America Great Again. I guess.

To be clear: Nathan Phillips is likely
the reason this kid went un-punched.

Then came the longer video which shows the Covington group being taunted by another group.There these innocent teens were, minding their own business, demanding the revocation of a woman's right to exercise control over her own body because it conflicts with their personal religious beliefs when another group, Black Hebrew Israelites, came out of nowhere and began hurling insults at them. For no reason! Except maybe for the reason that they're anti-choice goons with MAGA hats, but this is America and whatever we may think I suppose these kids have a right to be shitheels.

But then another twist: it turns out that Black Hebrew Israelites are themselves a Black supremacist organization on the Southern Poverty Law Center's list of hate groups. Wow, so current hate group vs. hate group in training. Who do you root for, right?

The students were just heading Christ's famous sermon on the
mount wherein he says: "To one who strikes you on the cheek,
I say turn and offer insults to an elderly Vietnam vet. #nocollusion."

Like Spider-Man's spidey sense, but you
know, racist. A 'whitey-sense' if you will.

Anyway, the President always careful not to wade into emotionally charged situations, is wisely avoiding making any comment about the incident until all the facts about exactly what happened are known. After all, it would be reckless to simply start chiming in about-yeah, I'm kidding. As someone both gifted and cursed with a supernatural ability that allows him to sense his supporters getting called out for exacerbating racial tensions in America, he absolutely chimed in. Huh? Yes on Twitter. Of course on Twitter. Rome had the forum, Roosevelt had fireside chats and Trump has goddamn Twitter.

Speaking of things that started off
unpleasant and that we wish was
all just a dream, see above.

Here's some of his dumb nonsense:

"Nick Sandmann and the students of Covington have become symbols of Fake News and how evil it can be. They have captivated the attention of the world, and I know they will use if for the good-maybe even bring people together. It started off unpleasant but can end in a dream!"

-Donald Trump, un-ironically
suggesting that this shitshow
will bring people together

Fox News and conservatives in general are painting this yet another example of white conservative victimization. Like how Karen Pence is being called out for teaching at that school just because they're rabidly homophobic or how everyone was so mean to that nice Brett Kavanaugh.

Fox News: The only network with the courage to stick up for the over-dog.

How much spin-wizardry?
This exact amount go spin-wizardry.

It takes some serious spin-wizardry to take a story about how a Native American war veteran heroically interceded to diffuse a racially charged confrontation between anti-choice high-school idiots and fringy racists and turn it into "We all thought this was a bunch of white kids being racist, but it turns out they were being insulted and the media is just being sensationalist and you know what? It's totally unfair that white people have to feel bad about being white. You know racism would totally be over if everyone would just stop talking about it all the time." But here we are.