Theoillogical!

Look, I'm not a biblical scholar. Far from it. But I do live in America, which is like, super Christian. Not like, officially or even legally, but basically our culture is soaking, absolutely soaking in Bible juice so most of us, regardless of our personal beliefs, have at least a passing understanding of Christianity. Except when it comes to, you know, doing anything the Bibles actually says.

Don't hold your breath...

Yes, detention centers because we, as a
country have forgotten the lesson of X-Men.

Speaking of, Attorney General Jeff Sessions speaking to law enforcement yesterday used the Bible as justification for the Government's policies towards illegal immigrants, specifically when it comes to taking children away from their parents and locking them in detention centers. Which in this bleak dystopia in which we find ourselves, is a thing we do now. First, Sessions Republisplained to us how law works, because really at the very heart of this immigration debate is the fact that everyone's an idiot but him:

"Persons who violate the law of our nation are subject to prosecution. If you violate the law, you subject yourself to prosecution."

-Jeff Sessions, legal expert

Pictured: A mural at detention center in Texas which, I shit you not, features a quote from
Donald Trump's Art of the Deal: "Sometimes losing a battle you find a new way to win the war."
The quote is in English and Spanish, you know, to inspire the children we're locking up.

Because I kind of got the
exact opposite impression.
But again, what do I know?

With that out of the way, Sessions went on to further wow us with his legal prowess by citing the Bible as a reason we should all shut up:

"I would cite due to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13 to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained the government for his purposes"

-Jeff Sessions, on Jesus's  famous 

respect for governmental authority

Wait, I'm confused, is the biblical take away for Jeff Sessions that Jesus challenged Roman authority and got what he deserved?

"Don't go blaming me for this one..."

-God

Which, cool, leaving aside the fact that the First Amendment talks about keeping religion out of government even before freedom of speech, is the Attorney General suggesting that God not only gives a damn about American politics, but that he personally ordained, in some medieval divine right of kings bullshit, that the former host of The Apprentice win the 2016 election? Because I'm pretty sure our archaic electoral college system did that. Trump's just the guy that bragged to Billy Bush about sexually assaulting women and then won the election anyway because racists were bitter about eight years of a black President.

Pictured: The scene from the New
Testament wherein Jesus rounds up
all the illegal immigrant children and
 leads them off to a detainment camp.

He went on to further support his argument by pointing out the objective morality of separating children from their parents:

"Orally (?) and lawful processes are good in themselves. Consistent, fair application of the law is in itself a good and moral thing and it protects the weak, it protects the lawful."

-Jeff Sessions on how detainment camps

for kids is like, super moral you guys

Can we just go back to the part where a guy appointed by Donald Trump just extolled the virtues of consistent and fair application of the law? Because that was amazing.

Pictured: A walking, bloviating refutation of
the idea that America gives a shit about the
consistent and fair application of law.

In further one-sided criticisms:

So remember back when we talked about how great Avengers: Infinity War wasn't? Well, I talked about it, you just let me go on and on. I know that a blog is kind of a one way conversational exchange, but still, that's no excuse.

Nope, nothing. Maybe if you try shouting even louder?

Which, incidentally, was a better
movie than Infinity War. Yeah,
I'm like a dog with a bone.

I'll take your silence as tacit agreement that Infinity War was a bloated, stakes-less mess that shows that the series and maybe even the MCU in general has gone on long enough. Well...? Still nothing? Great, I'm glad you see it my way. Well, mine and enough other people's way that the directors-yes, directors. It took two people to direct that movie. Brothers in fact, which by Pacific Rim logic should have made it work better, but here we are. Huh? Yeah, I should warn you that I'm going to spoil the movie if you're one of the eight people who haven't seen it yet.

Couldn't he just reshuffle the discards?

(note: same plot hole, different joke)

Still there? Anyway, the Russo Brothers, Anthony and Joe, gave an interview to Huffington post in which they defended one of the bigger complaints people had with the movie. That complaint being that it ends on a cliffhanger that is in no way a cliffhanger. Specifically that Thanos, in a fit of malthusian super-villainy, uses the magic rainbow wish glove to vaporize half the universe in order to reduce the strain on resources. And no, we're not talking about how he could have just wished more resources, everyone's sick of people making fun of that glaring plot hole.

No, instead they addressed the fact that the movie asks us to believe that all the superheroes that got vaporized are totally dead you guys. Like, for real. Even though Disney already has already announced a stand alone sequel for vaporizees Spider-Man and Black Panther, whose movie earlier this year was the most successful superhero movie like, ever.

"No please, we know you loved Black Panther, but he's been exploded by Thanos
and we're just too damned committed to our artistic integrity to make a sequel."

-Some Disney executive

"The fans are corporeal. Adversarial.
Linear. Time? What is this...time?"

(+10 nerd points)

According to Anthony Russo, some of the sequels get around this by taking place before Infinity War:

"...people have become accustomed to time moving linearly in the MCU. That doesn't necessarily have to be the case."

-Anthony Russo, on how 

we're just too attached too 

the concept of linear time

"Um...hurray? They uh, made it. Briefly."

-me, at the end of Aliens

Ok cool, I can accept that we're getting these sequels out of chronological order or whatever, but doesn't that kind of cast pall over them? Like if we bought for a minute that Spider-Man really did die in Infinity War, wouldn't Spider-Man Homecoming 2 be kind of a bummer? Knowing that whatever happens in it, whatever odds he surmounts or character developments occur, he's doomed to perish along with half the universe? Sort of like watching Aliens knowing that everyone but Ripley is going to die of freezer burn, off camera before Alien 3. It's a bummer.

Not anything. I mean, not even a
reality-warping gauntlet could've made
off-brand X-Men seem interesting.

But ok, fine, let's say half the population of the universe just got raptured by Bran from The Goonies, and we're in for some prequels. Russo also said something else that I think totally undercuts whatever assurances he was trying to make about his film's ending having any narrative weight whatsoever:

"Here's the thing, I think it's important to remember anything is possible in the MCU."

-Russo, un-making his point

Maybe I just want to be negative here because everyone else like the movie and I didn't, but insisting that Infinity War's ending had dire, world-changing ramifications for the MCU and then explaining that anything is possible in the MCU feels a little like saying nothing matters in the MCU. The problem with Infinity War 2's inevitable conclusion it has to undo the first one's ending so these characters can go on to do sequels. And that's fine, I like those characters, but when 'anything is possible,' there are no stakes.

"Excellent, my victory is total! Unless of course someone steals my gauntlet
and uses it to undo everything I've accomplished...but that'll probably never happen."

-Thanos, jinxing it

"You make some good points, but what
we're saying is that it was actually great."

-The Russos

Look, I don't mean to bag on the Russos, I mean, lots of people liked the movie. I think more liked it than didn't, and even those who agree with me about the ending being lame still liked the film overall. And that's cool. It just seemed a little like the directors were given the weird marketing task of explaining to fans why they should have liked it more, and I call bullshit on that. They tried ending their part 1 on what was supposed to feel like a shocking twist, but it felt neither shocking nor twisty. It felt like a fake out.

Of course Iron Man or Captain Marvel or whoever is going to un-vanish Black Panther and Drax and everyone in part 2. And of course that's going to further weaken this movie's ending. I think that's a fair criticism. On the other hand, while it doesn't make for a suspenseful cliffhanger, but I suppose it does bring it more in line with the source material. Like, think of a Marvel character. Got one? Great, chances are you just named a character who's died and come back to life at least once.

"Holy shit, I know, right?"

-Jean Grey

Today in policy tantrums:

Arm chair: check. Psychological
opinions I'm wildly unqualified
to hold: double check. Let's go.

Larry Kudlow, the President's economic advisor went absolutely bananas on-huh? Yes, apparently the President has an economic advisor. What's that? Yeah, I thought all the President's policies were rage-based too. You'd think an advisor would be someone offering sage council and an objective opinion, but Kudlow's also kind of unhinged, so I sure they make a great team. And I know I shouldn't be making arm chair psychology calls based on watching like, one CNN interview, but then again, I totally should. I mean, what's the internet for if not baseless opinions strongly held and vigorously defended?

Nothing, that's what. Anyway, State of the Union host Jake Tapper asked Kudlow why the President called Trudeau a liar-which he did, and we'll get to that, but here's Kudlow's not-at-all childish response:

"Well he holds a press conference and he says the U.S. is insulting, he said that Canada has to stand up for itself, he said that we are the problem with tariffs. What the in factual, the non factual part of this was that they have enormous tariffs."

-Larry Kudlow on how Trudeau is being mean

"How dare Justin Trudeau work to negotiate the best possible
deal for the country he's the Prime Minister of! I mean, the nerve..." 

Has a non-insulting word left his
word hole or a non-insulting tweet
his tweet hole since taking office?
Or really, since the campaign?

Yeah, but we are insulting. Like, the President routinely resorts to insult as a mode of communication. And Canada does have to stand up for itself. It's like, a real country.

"You know what? Here's the thing, I mean, he really kind of stabbed us in the back. He really, actually, you know what? He did a great disservice to the whole G7."

-Kudlow, about to cry, like, 

his voice cracked and everything

"Petulance as economic policy?
I'm sure this will work out great!"

-No one

The specific reason for Kudlow's breathless and rambling nutty, is that Trudeau held a press conference stating that if the U.S. didn't back off on a bunch of tariffs the Administration was planning on leveling on Canada, they'd respond with their own tariffs on American goods. In response to that, Trump pulled the U.S. out of a communiqué which I guess in political terms is some kind of joint statement by the G7 in which the member countries agreed that their joint goal was "free, fair and mutually beneficial trade." Agreement? Mutual benefit? Can't have that...

This is, and I mean no insult to junior
high kids, but this is some junior high
level bullshit. Ok, some insult...

Also, Trump wants Canada to agree to an expiration date on NAFTA so he can renegotiate it with out look like he's the one walking away from it and-look, I'm not going to pretend to understand all the nuances here, but what I can tell is that this isn't a great look for us as a country. I mean, a thin-skinned, tantrum-prone reality-show star currently under federal investigation is stomping his feet, making ridiculous demands and then calling other world leaders liars? We're not exactly leading by example here. Huh? Oh right, the liar thing.

Here's what Trump said in a press conference where he explained his reasons and then fielded questions from reporters. Questions he answered thoughtfully and fully as one would expect from someone holding hight office. Just kidding. It was an angry tweet and one he sent from Air Force One on his way out of town.

But at least it wasn't in all caps so...progress?

Stupider than this nonsense?
Hold on to your MAGA's...

Yuppers. That was Donald Trump, yes the Donald Trump, accusing someone else of being dishonest. Also his calling Trudeau out for saying Canada 'will not be pushed around,' is a little weird coming from a guy who ran on a super-klansy platform of 'America first.' But wait, because it gets stupider. Back to the interview where Kudlow goes on to admit to Jake Tapper that all this pouting and angry tweeting is also about making us look tough in negotiations with North Korea.

Just to be clear, are we cribbing our
foreign policy from Cobra Kai?

And he explained this in the most insulting and acronym-filled way possible:

"POTUS is not going to let a Canadian Prime Minister push him around. Push him, POTUS, around, President Trump on the eve of this. He is not going to permit any show of weakness on the trip to negotiate with North Korea, nor should he-"

-Kudlow, on how-holy shit,

this is about dicks...again

Again, I'm not an expert here, but the gist, as far as I can see is this: a gameshow host most of us didn't vote for is making unreasonable demands of America's largest second trading partner and then accusing them of being unreasonable for having a problem with it, all so he can look tough in front of some autocrat nobody voted for. Have I got it surrounded? Super.

As a one-quarter Canadian who's feeling 100% embarrassed about how
the guy representing the U.S. is behaving/just is, I'd just like to reiterate that Canada
is, in fact, a real country, a member of the G7 and a close ally, so could we maybe
 not talk about their Prime Minister like he's some over-reaching country clerk? 

Today in grim dystopias:

So I don't want to sound judgmental or anything, but holy shit China, I mean, holy shit. Yeah, I'm referring to the People's Republic's new super-dystopian social credit system which it's rolling out over the next couple years.

Hey, China? You guys got that 1984 was a
cautionary tale and not like a 'how-to,' right?

"If you can't trust private business
interests, who can you...sorry,
can't even get through that..."

-business people

What, the what? So it's sort of a people-ranking system by which everyone is assigned a score between 350 and 950-what's that? Why 350 and 950? Because shut up, that's why. It works kind of like a credit rating, and in fact paying your bills on time is a factor. But other things come into play too, like if you've ever been caught smoking in a non-smoking zone or if you play video games too much. It's all part of an algorithm which is beings sourced out to private companies...oh, and did I mention that the algorithm is secret? So I'm sure that won't be riddled with corruption and abuse.

People with high scores can enjoy sweet benefits like not having to pay a deposit on an apartment rental, preferential loans and you can even skip the line at the emergency room. 

Which in a country of 1.5 billion people is
probably a pretty big goddamn deal.

"What? That's ridiculous. What we
do is totally...completely different..."

-Jeff Bezos, while 

laughing nervously

Having a low score on the other hand can get you banned from buying plane and train tickets, your internet connection can be throttled down, and it can even affect the kind of jobs you can get and the kind of schools your kids can go to. Alibaba, one of the companies the government has partnered up with to create the ranking algorithms, is also conveniently an online retailer, so having a shitty score can prevent you from buying things on their website. It'd be like if Amazon.com had access to all of your personal information, could analyze it and then could use it to control your buying habits.

Anyway, like I said before, holy shit China. I mean, could you imagine what it would be like if here in America people were judged based on their credit score? Like if the kind of healthcare and schools you had access to were based on your financial situation?

"Treatable? Technically yes, but with your grandmother's
credit? I'll give you a few minutes to say goodbye."

-Some doctor

(source: subtle commentary)

L'état c'est un Goon!

This is pretty high and mighty talk for a gameshow host that's only the President because of an 18th century technicality. What's pretty high and mighty talk? Why the President's lawyers' letter to Special Council Mueller's office about how prosecutable he's not.

"L'état c'est moi. Everyone knows how moi the état is.
L'etat c'est so moi, you won't even believe it."

-Donald I, First of his name, known 

to historians as Donald the Orange

Pictured: The guy that led the charge
while simultaneously cheating on his
wife. Who was dying of cancer.

In it, they explain to Mueller that the President can totally terminate the investigation at any time and it's only by his gracious good will that the Special Council is even allowed to continue with this kabuki show, and that really, as President, the author of The Art of the Deal as well as a wide body of abusive tweets, is the source from which all legal authority proceeds. Which, is like super interesting given how nobody seemed to have a problem when a morally outraged GOP wanted to hear all about Bill Clinton's affair.

"Unlimited Power!"

-The President, while

casting force lighning,

as per the constitution

So like, where does this go? Yesterday we talked about Rudy Giuliani's assertion that Trump has the constitutional authority to carry our free murders, but he's just some lunatic. This whole thing that Trump is above the law is coming from the White House. How far do they think this goes? Can he commit any crime? Is he immune to prosecution after he leaves office? Does he even have to leave office? I mean, if he isn't constrained by laws, can't he just hunker down in the Lincoln Bedroom with some cheeseburgers and be President for life?

As I may have mentioned one or two times before, I'm not a constitutional scholar or anything, but this can't be how this works. The founder fathers didn't endure the toe-tapping, genre defying horrors of the Revolution so some bloated, twitter-happy real-estate goon could electoral college win the White House and just be King of America forever.

Yes, most of my understanding of American history and government
comes from Hamilton, and Liberty's Kids. Which I'm pretty sure makes
 me more knowledgeable about it than the President so, here we are.

Rex Non Potus!

What is it with these people? Huh? What is what with what people? These people. The former host of The Apprentice and noted popular vote loser Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani, the former mayor of New York who was recently booed by a Yankee Stadium's worth of New Yorkers. On his birthday.

In fairness, he is kind of a dick.

Yup, immune to prosecution, it's all here
in the Monster Manual. He's also weak
to magic, and has a +3 to his attack roll.

Now before you start to feel bad for him, and it's ok to feel a little bad for him, I mean, didn't he single handedly rebuild New York after 9/11? I don't remember, the entire 00's are kind of a blur, the point is this. Didn't click? Fine. Giuliani, an actual lawyer, told the Huffington Post that the President is like, totally immune from subpoenas and indictments you guys, because law. Instead, he'd have to be impeached before charges can be brought. Which ok, cool, there's a process by which illegal activities by a sitting president are addressed, but it's kind of uncharted territory.

It's a legal tradition dating back to
Washington and the weekend human
hunts he'd hold at Mount Vernon.

Giuliani then went on in a way that really makes me wonder why we don't do regular psyche evaluations for people in positions of power and influence:

"If he [that is, President Trump] shot James Comey, he'd be impeached the next day. Impeach him, and then you can do whatever you want to do to him."

-Rudy Giuliani on the

Presidential power of 

consequence-free murder

Whatever we want? Are pillories still a thing? Anyway, that's nutty, right? Like it's not just me? And if this sounds familiar, that's because Donald Trump once suggested that he could shoot someone and his idiot fans would still vote for him. Remember that? When we all laughed at how stupid that was? Well, the point is everything is goddamn guns with these people.

"Guns guns guns guns, guns guns. Guns? Guuuuns."

-The President, 

appealing to his base

Someone explained that they're a law
enforcement agency and not cyborgs pro-
gramed to be loyal to him personally, right?

Just to be clear, and I am totally not a lawyer, but if in some insane scenario, the President did lay his hands on a gun and then began wildly firing rounds at James Comey, the Secret Service would tackle the shit out of him, right? Like, they're not going to wait for impeachment proceedings before doing anything. So I'm not sure what Rudy Giuliani is bragging about here. If the President committed a non-violent, not gun-related crime, it'd be impeachment. But murder? That's tackle town. So what in the fuck is he even talking about here?

The only thing I can think of is that this is all part of the President's legal strategy of just putting enough batshit people out there so that he, by comparison, looks even-keeled. Of course, the phrase 'legal strategy' suggests some semblance of forethought or coordination on the part of the Administration and since that's not exactly their strong suit, I'm going to suggest that this is just Rudy Giuliani hitching his wagon to the President in a bid to stay relevant in a world that boo's him on his birthday.

To suckle at the President's proverbial teat if you will.
There. Are you picturing it? You're welcome.

The Travails of Fartly

Do you want to know what I'd like to bemoan? The Oregon Trail. Not the actual wagon route that people back in the nineteenth century would set out upon in the vague hope that one or two of their children might survive the journey to settle in the pacific northwest, grow ironic mustaches and pay too much for tiny houses, but the computer game.

Pictured: A be-flanneled couple posing by their new tiny house,
basking in the joy of minimalism and how they just want to, you know
get back to basics. Not pictured: a week later when the crushing
realization sets in that they just sold all their shit to live in a closet.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to take the lard
out of your bag and place it on the belt."

-Some TSA guy

Yeah, that black and green, strangely addictive simulation of how miserable life was in the eighteen hundreds that we were plunked down in front of in grade school so that we could "learn computers." Now if you're wondering how knowing how many axels and pounds of lard a Boston banker's family would need on deadly, four to six month slog that now takes four to six hours (depending on connecting flights) relates to coding or web development, wonder no longer. The answer is, it doesn't. At all. And that's why I may never fulfill my dream of living in the great State of Vermont.

"Let's see...scam, scam, sc-literally
everything in your inbox is a scam.
Maybe just watch NCIS instead?"

-Some millennial 

Ok, obviously I don't actually want to live in Vermont, but I do want someone to pay me ten thousand dollars to work from a coffeeshop. And that's exactly what the desperate, yet flush with cash government of Vermont is willing to do. That is, if you work for a tech company and live anywhere but there. Vermont, it turns out, is aging. Well, obviously, everything is aging, but what I mean is that its population is getting older and well, you know, dying off. They're dying off and dead people pay no taxes so Vermont wants millennials to come shore up their tax base and maybe help them fix their internets.

And they're willing to pay. Aware that most Americans can't find their state on a map, Vermontian legislators have put together a bill that would give out-of-state workers $10,000 to cover moving costs to relocate to the Maple Syrup State. That's their motto, right?

Well? No, that's New Hampshire. Try again. Huh? No, that's
Connecticut. One more try-no, that's the ocean...ju-just give up.
It is biologically impossible for humans to find Vermont on a map.

Pictured: America's 2nd most expensive
place to live, Santa Cruz. For context,
New York is number 4. New York. City.

So if you're one of those people who had the foresight to forgo The Oregon Trail and instead earn how these magic thinky-boxes work, congratulations, you could live be living in Vermont right now. And you know what? I'm all for this. Here's the thing: I live in Santa Cruz, California, which is number two on the Bureau of Economic Analysis's list of the ten most expensive places to live. We're just behind San Jose, which is forty minutes away and the epicenter or tech jobs that pay a shit-ton and don't require you to show up at an office. See where I'm going with this?

Santa Cruz is lovely. We have beaches and a boardwalk and The Lost Boys was filmed here. But is it twenty-seven hundred a month for a one bedroom lovely?

Before you answer that, know that we've named a park after local hero
and most famous resident: Oily Saxophone Player from The Lost Boys.

(source: whimsy)

Above: every screen in fourth period
computer lab. (source: being ten)

No, of course it isn't. It is however slightly cheaper if you're one of the aforementioned Google employees whose office is wherever there's a decent wifi signal. So on the one hand I have a problem with the fact that Vermont is offering rich people another perk for being rich, but on the other hand luring tech industry people out of the area can only be a win-win for those of us who wasted computer class on the travails of Fartly, his wife Areola, and their children: Flatus, Buttina and little Poop. So like, thanks public school...

Anyway, I wish the good people of Vermont luck in wooing tech-industry people away from the perpetual good weather, abundant job opportunities and distinct lack of hungry wolves of the Bay Area and towards the uh...skiing and fall foliage, I guess, of Vermont. Look, it might sound like I'm trashing Vermont, but for real, if they offered me ten thousand dollars to move there, I'd probably take it. So if anyone from Vermont is reading this and needs someone with a B.A. in theatre and a blog that's mostly about Star Trek, gimme a ring.

Pictured: Vermont. Hey, I don't want to tell you how to attract workers to your state,
 but as someone who used to live in nearby upstate New York, which is equally
beautiful, but equally frigid, maybe you aught to make it twelve? Just a thought.