Heck yeah!

Look, I know it's not going to happen, you know it's not going to happen, even Congressperson Denny Heck who said it to Don Lemon last night on CNN Tonight knows it's not going to happen, still though.

Representative Heck, seen here cosplaying as Nathan Lane,
went on Don Lemon's show to discuss the political shitshow.

This cactus is also manifestly unfit
to be President, and you wouldn't
think we'd get to a place where we'd
have to say it...but here we are.

Huh? What's not going to happen? Oh, sorry. When asked by Lemon he believed that the Republicans are moving towards firing Rod Rosenstein as part of an effort to undermine Mueller's inquiry into Russian interference in the election-you know, because that's what innocent people do-Heck responded with:

"I fear that that is what it's about and indeed that we are continuing to inch toward the constitutional crisis. Don it gives me absolutely no joy, no psychic gratification whatsoever to say this: I think Donald Trump is manifestly unfit to be Presidient of the United States."

-Denny Heck, not being wrong

"He had much higher approval ratings as a host on The Apprentice than he does as President. He's not well suited for this job, and I wish he'd have a conversation with his god and with himself and with his family about whether or not we all would be better served, frankly if he would just resign."

-Heck, with a sick burn about The Apprentice

Pictured: The President leading his advisors in a prayer to himself.

(source: unmitigated narcism)

Denny Heck, Congressmen from
Washington and goddamn fortune teller.

Yes please. We'd be happier, his family would be happier, he'd be happier. Everyone would be happier. Heck went on:

"Because this isn't going anywhere good. This has been going on fifteen months. The truth of the matter is with the raid on the Cohen offices, the fact of the matter is that this is going to accumulate and this is rapidly becoming a question of if a crime has been committed but how many crimes were committed."

Above: the look of stunned incredulity
permanently emblazoned on April Ryan's face
since reporting on the Trump administration.

Obviously Heck isn't the first person to point out that the President should probably just quit while he's-well, not ahead, but not in handcuffs either. Earlier this week April Ryan from CNN asked Press Secretary Sanders if Trump had considered resigning. A completely reasonable question given that his presidency has been a ceaseless parade of scandal and incompetence, and one to which Sanders replied: "No he has not, and it's an absolutely ridiculous question." Which, no it's not at all ridiculous, it's just that we past reasonable a year and a half ago. Speaking of, now Ryan is the target of death threats. Holy shit, right?

"Here's to wealth and the shield it provides
us against accountability and consequence!"

-The very wealthy

Again, nothing's going to come from Heck's suggestion, not directly anyway. Like Trump isn't going to hear about it, see how his insane need for public approval and attention is causing nothing but strife and chaos and then resign with an apology for all the divisiveness his administration has visited upon the nation. He's going to ride this like Muad'Dib on the Shai Halud to wreck and ruin. Not his of course. Incredibly wealthy people are rarely held responsible-morally or financially-for their mistakes. Nope, the wreck and ruin will be ours, he'll just get a new TV show or something and fade into the crowd of former reality show stars.

Bummer, right? Yes. But at least we can laugh about it as Don Lemon and Denny Heck did when they fatalistically resigned themselves to where this will ultimately go:

Lemon:  "Are you calling on the President to resign?"
Heck:  "I think he should consider that. For the best interests of the country."
Lemon:  "Do you think that is a real possibility Congressman?"
Heck:  "No, not at all Don."
Lemon:  "Yeah..."

"Sorry, I was just choking on the suggestion that President Trump
would, at any point, consider the best interests of the country."

-Don Lemon, in desparate 

need of a glass of water

Fly the rigidly classist skies!

Just in case the experience of air travel didn't make you feel enough like a piece of luggage grudgingly hauled around by airlines, European airplane-sorry aeroplane manufacturer Airbus is going to add modular accommodations to their plane's cargo holds.

You know, where your luggage is unceremoniously flung?

"It's about time, am I right?"

-people who don't have kids

But don't worry, this isn't an American company, so instead of being another humiliating move on the part of the industry to cram a few more skincases onto flights to sate the endless appetite of their corporate shareholders, this actually sounds kind of swanky.  The idea is that special modular rooms would be popped into the plane's hold, and they can contain things like bunk beds, lounges, meeting room or rooms for kids to run around in-which, yes, I am all for child kennels on flights.

It's been awhile since I saw Alien 3,
remind me, was there a downside?

I'm particularly interested in the idea of a lounge on a flight where you can stand up and walk around. A lot of the crippling terror I feel at the very prospect of getting on a plane based in a fear of being closed in and unable to move for hours at a stretch. And the option to lay down on a bunk and just sleep the whole traumatizing trip away also sounds pretty great. It's another step towards the ideal of climbing into a stasis tube like Ellen Ripley in Aliens and just waking up at my destination.

"Please enjoy this complimentary
champaign along with the knowledge that
the poors in economy can't have any."

Wow, neat, right? Well, yes, sort of. Like most things that sound awesome, there's a catch and like most catches this one is about money. Since regulations require that passengers be strapped into actual seats during takeoff and landing you can't just book a bunk and settle in. Instead, these modules would be something to visit mid-flight, but only if you've bought access to them. So instead of being a new feature on planes designed to make flying less of a dehumanizing ordeal, it'll be more like a VIP section.

I mean, I'd personally love to stretch out on a bed and nap my way across times zones rather than sit and contemplate the horror of hurtling through the air at thirty thousand feet, but it's 2018, and this whole thing reeks of 19th century class division and wealth disparity. Aren't we over this kind of thing?

"Nope, in fact it's gotten much, much worse. Cheers!"

-Some rich guy

He knows what the 'I' in FBI stands for, right?

Hey, I don't want to tell anyone how to hyperbolize something, but 'an attack on our country?' Seriously? Maybe I'd feel differently if it was my lawyer, and said lawyer was privy to crimes I may or may not have committed, but I'm not sure a bunch of FBI agents with a search warrant carting off a bunch of documents constitutes 'an attack on our country.'

Above: The scene earlier today at Michael Cohen's office-or wait, sorry, that's
a photo from the attack on Pearl Harbor. I get these things confused sometimes.

Holy shit, remember when the
leader of the free world
wasn't a petulant man-baby?

Because that's what the President is calling today's raid by the FBI. The Bureau seized documents at his lawyer, Michael Cohen's, office, home and hotel room in connection with an investigation they're conducting into Cohen's affairs, prompting the President to again hint that he might fire Special Council Robert Mueller. Which is weird because the investigation into Cohen's shenanigans isn't being run by Mueller, but there's then there's no reasoning with the President mid-tantrum. It's usually best to wait until he screams himself out and settles into a nice long pout.

Above: Daniels taking and passing a lie
detector test because American politics
 is now a goddamn Springer episode.

Ok, so while today's raid wasn't part of Mueller's investigation, it was the result of Mueller's team apparently finding something that wasn't Russian collusion-related, but still, you know, a crime. Specifically that whole paying off Stormy Daniels so she wouldn't talk about the affair she allegedly had with Trump. Which, do we have to keep saying 'alleged' when Daniels has been paid hush money? I mean, it's not hush money if there's nothing to hush about, right? The President insists he has no idea why his lawyer gave the woman that's claiming to have had an affair with him a payoff, but that's just because he thinks we're all idiots.

"Look, I can't be expected to keep track
of all the women I have had to pay off
on behalf of my client over the years"

-Cohen, coving himself nicely

Anyway, back to the crimes. The FBI is investigating Cohen for bank fraud, wire fraud and affair hush-money paying-off-ery. I guess the idea here is that if Cohen paid Daniels not to talk about the alleged affair she totally had with the President, then Cohen effectively made a campaign contribution. A campaign contribution of $130,000 dollars which is like 48 times the maximum. The bank and wire fraud charges then are about how he lied to the bank about why he was paying some rando a hundred and thirty grand for no reason.

Witch hunts were based on superstition
and ergot poisoning. The FBI has bank
records, so...no, not at all the same thing.

But whatever, what really started all this whole thing was Trump's hilariously indignant and hyperbole-filled response to the FBI's raid on his lawyer, and close personal friend's office:

"It's a disgraceful situation. I have this witch hunt constantly going on."

-The President, on how this is exactly like the 

insane and misogynistic persecution of women 

in 17th century New England...uh, somehow  

Well, yeah, Cohen violating campaign contribution laws and then lying about it while the President pretends he has no idea why his personal lawyer paid a huge some of money to a woman he had an affair is disgraceful, but I think the President is referring to the FBI investigating crimes he and his associates may have committed, which isn't so much disgraceful as it is their job.

I mean it's the 'I' on the back of their jackets. What is he unclear about?

Alaska: Family Oriented AF!

Way to go Alaska...just another transphobic law from another stupid red-state shit-huh? Wait, they didn't pass the-? And I'm a total jerk for just assuming that they did? Sorry Alaska...I just sort of figured you guys would do something, you know...So what was I talking about?

Oh, and sorry I suggested that we sell you back to Russia. Huh?
Didn't I? Because I thought it and it sounds like something I'd say.

"Ugh...families. I sure do hate them
and everything they stand for..."

-The left, according to the right

Oh right, in a stunning reversal of expectations, voters in Alaska said 'nope' to a stupid horseshit ballot initiative that would have forced transgender Alaskans to use the bathroom assigned to the gender on their birth certificate. A measure I can only imagine was written by people who are completely unclear as to what transgender means. You know, transphobic idiots. Probably a whole bunch of them, likely going by some innocuous, wholesome sounding name with the word 'family' in it so as to suggest that if you oppose their platform you must hate families or something.

Unsurprisingly that's exactly what they're called. The group, Alaska Family Action, put together the proposed-wait...Alaska Family Action? Really? Maybe it's because I think they're terrible people for spending all this time and money on something as hateful as this ridiculous bathroom bill nonsense, but does that name sound a little...I don't know, unintentionally hilarious to anyone else? 

Above: Some Alaska Family Action.
What? Right, I'm the asshole here...

Bears and wolves who, incidentally,
also want to watch you pee.

Just me then? That's fine. Anyway, as you can imagine, AFA is just family oriented AF. And of course by 'family oriented' I mean ridiculously focused on trans people and how they're everywhere and will stop at nothing to watch you pee. Seriously. Half their gross website is devoted to outrage over sexual orientation and gender identity issues and exactly none of it is based on anything other than ignorant trans/homo/everythingphobia. All of which is totally bizarre given how much of Alaska is overrun with actual threats like bears and wolves.

Kind of wish they'd have come to their senses
 a little earlier, but hey progress is progress.

Historically, I find myself ranting against the wisdom of ballot initiatives, especially when they put people's civil rights up for a show of hands. And while I maintain that they kind run counter to a representative democracy, I guess I can't complain when the good guys win. In this case 53 percent which is just about the same percentage that voted for Donald Trump. There probably wasn't that much overlap, but it does suggest that at least some Alaskan conservatives are capable of moving past bullshit politics and making the right call.

So congratulations people of Alaska! I'm now removing your state from my list of states we should sell back to whomever we bought/stole them from and on to the list of states we just probably shouldn't let vote. I'm kidding, of course, but seriously, maybe next election try not to make an insane choice? The rest of the country would really appreciate it.

"Désolé, but no returns after thirty days."

-Napoleon, citing the fine print 

on the Louisiana Purchase

Make Vulcan Great Again!

Their bowl-cut technology
is centuries ahead of ours.

Happy First Contact Day everybody! Yes, this again. For those unfamiliar with this blog or those who have rich, full social lives and don't spend hours at a time debating the minutia and lore of a fictional universe, I'll explain. It is, according to the only watchable Star Trek TNG movie, First Contact, the day forty five years from now when the Vulcans land. With their advanced technology,  logic and smug superiority, they will teach us primitive earthlings that we're not alone in the universe and usher in a new age for humankind.

Sounds awesome, right? Yes it does, but it's also just a TV show and Vulcans are (probably) fictional. But that doesn't mean that these pointy-eared space elves don't have much to teach us. Oh, and buckle up, because we're in for some nerdulence.

Ok look, I did said buckle up...

"Vulcans? Pfft...fuck those guys..."

-Some Romulan

So the deal with Vulcans is that they used to be violent, emotional psychopaths who spent centuries bombing the shit out of each other because they couldn't just get along. But at some point they realized that war wasn't the answer and they devoted themselves to science and logic and robes. Of course not everyone on their planet saw the wisdom of abandoning their shortsighted, violent past, but rather than sitting around trying to make planet Vulcan great again, they left and became the Romulans.

"The only way to stop a bad guy with a
disruptor is a good guy with a disruptor..."

Considerate, right? Because how are you supposed to have a peaceful, progressive civilization when a chunk of the population insists on clinging to their warlike ways and their stupid disruptor pistols? See where I'm going with this? That's because I'm a master of the subtle allusion. Unfortunately our interplanetary capabilities are limited to launching Teslas at Mars, which, while useful as proof that just because you have money doesn't mean you have good ideas, isn't really going to help us in the long run. So what are we to do about our Romulans?

The Neutral Zone, that's what. In order to prevent war with the Romulan Empire, the Federation establishes a border between its territory and the Romulans. I'm saying we stick everyone who wants zero corporate regulation, no gun laws and private health insurance in some random state, say Wyoming. Then we set up a Neutral Zone around it, and then they can have all their stupid Red State bullshit and the rest of us, as a country, can move on.

Goddamnit, it's not a border wall, it's a Neutral
Zone...it's totally different...shut up, yes it is...

Posse Come At Us, Bro!

Is he maybe President of some other country? Like, one where there really is a flood of people rushing over the border and stealing jobs and voting for Hillary Clinton? Because this is getting even more bananas that usual. And by bananas, I mean escalating militarily. As in the President is planning to start using the military to guard the U.S. border with Mexico until he gets his stupid wall for racists.

Pictured: The President picking out paint swatches for that wall he promised
promised racists he'd build if they voted for him. He's got it narrowed
down to either Dystopic Grey, or Police State Slate. Tough choice...

"What can I say? I just hate America.
And babies. And freedom."

Which, can he even do that? Like, I know Republicans all share some bizarre, paranoid notion that the border is just an info kiosk where Nancy Pelosi personally greets every immigrant who wants in, hands them a fake social security card, a coupon for Planned Parenthood and tells them to vote Democrat but we actually do have a border patrol who job it is to patrol the border. Also, I'm not like a constitutional scholar, but in addition to being gross overkill, isn't using the Army against civilians, like, illegal?

The President is only authorized to use the
military for defense and the occasional
big parade that goes by his house.

Look, I went to public school in America, so most of my understanding of this sort of thing comes from Wikipedia and The West Wing but the Posse Comitas Act says the military is not to be used to enforce domestic policy and maybe border control falls into foreign policy, but illegal immigrants aren't an invading army, they're migrant workers looking for jobs. Illegal, maybe, but still not an invasion. And according to this, illegal immigration has been on a downward trend for a while, in fact, Trump is personally taking credit for it (despite the decline starting years ago), so why is it suddenly so crazily imperative he militarize the border?

And legal issues aside, isn't massing the military on the border kind of a terrible idea from an international relations perspective? Like, if Civ V has taught me anything-and it has-it's that placing military units next to your border pisses off whomever's on the other side of it.

So I usually downplay my expertise on various subjects, but I
honestly believe that my many hours playing Civilization makes me
more qualified than Donald Trump to handle international affairs. 

Clarification? About something insane
President Trump said without consulting
 anyone at all? You must be new here...

When asked by Christiane Amanpour what he thinks about all this, the Mexican Ambassador said that while his government has asked for clarification...

"[The militarization of the border] is not something that the Mexican government welcomes..."

-Ambassador Geronimo Gutiérrez,

Ambassador to the U.S. and

Chief Minister of understatement

Above: The Mexican Cession, negotiated among
the smoking ruins of Mexico City, ceded-wait,
is it possible we were the bad guys in that one?

I know part of Trump's whole image is based on utter contempt for places that aren't America or Russia, but Mexico, and yes, even Canada, are actual sovereign countries with just as much of a right to freak out about a foreign military on their border as we would. And for those keeping score, the last time the U.S. military approached Mexico, it invaded and annexed over half of it. Like, 55% of Mexico is now the U.S. so a tit-for-tat reaction on their part is not out of line. And you know the right would loose their absolute shit if Mexico parked tanks on the border.

So is it me, or does none of this sound like an actual effort to address illegal immigration? It does however sound like a bombastic and reckless measure designed to make the people who voted for him because he said he'd build a border wall feel like he's doing something other than tweeting and getting investigated.

Turns out reckless bombast polls really well among idiots, so...what do I know?

Joe Pags totally knows Ted Nugent you guys...

Well, I don't know about you, but I've certainly been waiting for some old white conservative men to finally weigh in on this whole March for our Lives nonsense. And weigh in some did, and old and white they are.

Old conservative white guys:
"...fucking it up since 12,000 b.c."

"...someday, and that day may never come,
 I may call upon you to do a service for me..."

-God, apparently

"All you have to do now is not only feel sorry for the liars, but you have to go against them and pray to God that the lies can be crushed and the liars can be silenced so that real measures can be put into place to actually save children's lives."

-Ted Nugent, on the Parkland survivors -wait, 

did he just ask that God to silence them?

Yes, that's noted batshit crazy assault rifle enthusiast bringing his valuable perspective to America's gun debate. That perspective: more guns.

Joe Pags really, really wants you to
know that he knows Ted Nugent. Because
 you know, he knows Ted Nugent. Ted Nugent.

It's a perspective he shared with Joe Pagliarulo, a conservative radio ho-sorry, Joe Pags. Yeah, that's what he calls himself. Anyway, on his show he called Nugent-

"...who's been a friend of mine twenty years, the same Ted Nugent, Motor City Madman, the same Ted Nugent that you guys all know, who has been putting out great records for a very long time..."

-Joe Pags, Radio host and

guy who knows Ted Nugent 

From VH1's Legends of Dad Rock

Anyway, after going on about how awesome Ted Nugent is, and holy shit does he go on. Apparently he's a legend...of sports? Music? Who can say? The point is he's a friend of Joe Pags, and as such, Pags (it's what the kids are calling him) asked him to his show to talk about "these children, who are saying such awful, disgusting things about the NRA." The children he's referring to, of course, are the Parkland shooting survivors who are using their experience to draw attention to how fucked up America is when it comes to guns.

Apparently he's famously anti-drug,
which means this is all just crazy.

First Joe Pags welcomed him to the show: "Ted, I appreciate you coming on, how are you?"

"I'm so good it's stupid, I'm actually sharing my lust for the American dream, my, my dream of excellence and we the people individual freedoms and rugged individuality and rugged individualism I'm literally stoned on freedom, I'm high on liberty and I'm willing to share it with you Joe."

-Ted Nugent on...well, 

drugs? No? Really?

And then he goes on to explain how Emma Gonzalez, David Hogg and the other Parkland survivors are the soulless shills of a media conspiracy to take away freedom:

Specifically the freedom to hunt
deer with assault rifles, I guess...

"The dumbing down of America is manifested in the culture of deprivation of our academia that have taught these kids the lies, media that have prodded and encouraged and provided these kids lies. I really feel sorry for them...These poor children, I'm afraid to say this and it hurts me to say this, but the evidence is irrefutable, they have no soul."

-Nugent speaking out against

the victims of gun violence

for insisting that it’s a problem

"The Media, the educational system...but where
does the Illuminati fit in? Ah, there it is..."

Wow, I know he's like an NRA board member who shoots his own meat, but even among people who own bunkers and stock pile weapons in readiness for a rebellion against the government, that's pretty paranoid. Just a few weeks ago these kids were hiding in closets and under tables because a classmate with serious issues had access to an AR-15. You don't need a vast media conspiracy and academia (wah?) to make the dots connect. It seems pretty reasonable that they'd be out there trying prevent this from happening again.

An apartheid-era sign from a
 'Whites Only' beach in South Africa.
Which Nugent is apparently pro.

Speaking of connecting dots, not for nothing, but Nikolas Cruz, the former student who carried out the shooting, held some seriously racist attitudes and was himself a fan of hunting and guns. All boxes ticked by Nugent himself and-huh? Oh yeah, super-racist. Like he enjoys dropping racial slurs, was on board with apartheid and once referred to President Obama as, I shit you not, a "subhuman mongrel." I'm not suggesting that hunting + racism = school shooter, I'm just suggesting that maybe Ted Nugent shouldn't be so quick to point to goddamn CNN for why they're going after the NRA.

Move over Immanuel Kant,
Ted Nugget's got something to say

Also, I'm not qualified to judge whether or not the high school students that organized March for Our Lives have souls or if any of us do for that matter. But I do feel pretty confident that it's not the kind of philosophical question the guy behind Cat Scratch Fever is qualified to chime in on either. But this is America and we debate things, and that's super. I guess I just think that a debate is more valuable when it starts from a place of 'this is a complicated issue, let's discuss,' rather than ‘fuck those lying liars, can you believe how much they lie?’

I guess we can console ourselves with the knowledge that Ted Nugent isn't exactly what you'd call an influencer. After a quick Google search to find out who he even is, these teens probably just shrugged off his comments as the rantings of some nut job their grandparents used to listen to and then went back to bringing down the gun lobby. Advantage: these meddling kids.

Above: Just some of the millions of Americans who don't
care about what Ted Nugent has to say about anything.