Because Cake!

I think more people should be ordered to make cakes as a punishment for civil rights violations. It would just make the world a better place, don't ya think?

It would be discrimilicious!

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you
do, do it all for the glory of Cookie Puss..."

-Paul's First Letter to Carvel

Check this out, a Colorado Civil Rights Commission reaffirmed a judge's ruling that cake store owner Jack Phillips needs to shut up about Leviticus and just bake goddamn wedding cakes. What does the Bible have to do with wedding cakes? Nothing. That's kind of the point. Two years ago, the baker refused to bake a cake for the wedding of Dave Mullins and Charlie Craig because their gayness directly conflicts with the divine cake law that Phillips imagines is in the Bible somewhere. The couple sued and won, because that is some serious bullshit.

"Ok fine, you're shut down."

-The Honorable 

Any Judge in Colorado

The panel has also ordered Phillips to turn in quarterly reports about anti-discrimination training for staff and a list of any customers he refuses to serve. Phillips however remains defiant and will be appealing...as in appealing the ruling, there's nothing appealing about this douche.

"I will stand by my convictions until somebody shuts me down."

-Jack Phillips,

picking his hill to die on

Let's Root for the Overdog!

He hit that guy and now his team
gets the thing...um, hurray?

There are totally some shitty things about having a Y chromosome. We tend to die sooner. We can get
drafted. Sometimes the men's room just has this drain thing running along one wall that we're all supposed to pee in. Oh, and sports. Everybody just sort of assumes we're into sports. I can't express in words how quickly my higher brain functions shut down when someone tries to start a conversation about some team I don't care about playing a game I don't understand.

Pee-troughs aside, being male can probably be seen as an advantage. We're not actually better than women, it's just that virtually every society that has ever existed has been male-dominated with women usually being relegated to the role of sex object/baby factory/food prep. Women have taken the brunt of history's bullshit and it's only very recently that things (in some parts of the world anyway) have begun to change.

A notable exception would be Wonder Woman's home island of Themyscira
which, while populated entirely by Amazons, is goddamn fictional.

Women have trounced
men in the uterus-having
contest, 3.5 billion to 1.

Turns out that not everyone thinks this is a good thing. A Voice for Men is a website/men's movement that's sick and tired of the agonizingly slow, yet painfully incremental progress women have made towards social equality and they're ready to put dudes back in charge, um, again? More so? Look, I don't really understand what their beef is, but they have a blog, so they must have a valid grievance, right? They don't just let any crackpot put shit up on the internet, do they?

"The problem we see is a culture that still puts women first in so many ways and men come in last...Whether people want to acknowledge it or no, if you look at the numbers, men come in last every time."

-Paul Elam, founder of A Voice for Men,

and possibly the world's worst statistician 

Pictured: the best thing to ever come
from Detroit. Also goddamn fictional.

What culture? What numbers? I guess they do let any crackpot put shit up on the internet. They're even holding an International Men's Conference in beautiful Detroit where speakers will discuss things like paternity fraud, false accusations of rape and misandry.* Detroit, according to Elam, is a symbolically appropriate choice for his man-moot, since it, like men in general, have been ruined by feminism. Not the greed and shortsightedness of an auto-industry adverse to change, but feminism. 

A Voice for Men is part of the larger Men's Human Rights Movement, whose central tenet is that despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, it's men who throughout history have been the victims of oppression, sexism and discrimination. Yikes.

Henry VIII: another victim of feminist smear campaigns.
I mean, he only murdered two of his wives...

The vote? But what if they go into labor
 in the booth? So they get 2 votes now?

Look, I am in no way trying to minimize the experiences of men who have been discriminated against, or been falsely accused of rape. That sucks, but examples of that kind of thing are dwarfed by the overwhelming numbers of women who have been discriminated against or who have been the victims of sexual assault. Elam's website is full of articles and cherry-picked news stories designed to show how women have abused the feminist movement to make the world a hostile place for men. One guy actually posted a rant blaming Elliot Roger's recent killing spree in Santa Barbara on feminism. Do you suppose that when one of your fellow man-fans leaps to the defense of a mass murderer, it might be time to re-evaluate?

I'm sure Paul Elam worked very hard on his website and on his big stupid conference and everything, but it's not like there has to be a limited supply of justice in the world. Doesn't he know that he can support men while at the same time supporting equality for women? Like, it might even be the same thing.

"Nope, it's us or them."

-Paul Elam,
An Angry, Shouty Voice for Men

*Yeah, misandry, it means a hatred of men, I had to look it up, that's how often in comes up. Even my spell check flags it as not really a thing.

Let's plumb the depths!

UIKEYINPUTDOWNARROWListen, you may have caught a news story about a couple of radio hosts who went on an eye-searingly heinous tirade against the transgender community. No? Here's the Slate article about it. There's a link there to the clip, but if you enjoy clinging to your last shred of faith in the human race, you might want to pass.

If you do listen to the clip, please do so while looking at this adorable photo of a kitten and a puppy.
It will help you maintain your tenuous grasp on sanity as you plumb the depths of morning radio awfulness.

Above: Rochester in winter. That urge
you feel? That's the urge to murder.
Don't worry, it passes. Usually. 

Anyway, those radio hosts? They're from my hometown. Yeah. I know, right? Rochester, as I may have mentioned before is a medium-smallish city in Upstate New York. It's famous, well to people who live there anyway, for serial killers (four of them!), long, sunless winters (which might explain all the murder) and a grocery store chain so awesome that Alec Baldwin does commercials for them. Well now it's also known for being that place where local radio hosts Kimberly and Beck made fun of transgender people for 12 full minutes.

Here you go, Kim. Just so you know, looking
that up took like two seconds. Not telling
you how to do your job, but for real.

What's their beef with transgender people? Here, I'll let recently canned host Kimberly of The Breakfast Buzz explain:

"Hey, the uh City of Rochester, you should, uh be feeling good about this, using your tax dollars, to extend transition-related health care coverage to its employees who are transgendered and gender non-conforming. What does that mean?"

-Kimberly, opening her mouth 

and removing all doubt

Take that, abstract
concept of irony!

Of course not knowing what the terms transgender and gender non-conforming mean doesn't stop the two from spending the rest of the segment blindly and viciously attacking people for struggling with that thing they don't understand. They pick on a local transgender teen who plays on the girl's softball team, they dismiss the medical value of reassignment as a treatment for gender dysphoria and then, as if to wave an ignorant middle finger in the face of irony itself, Kimberly says this:

"The uh services that will be paid for under the new coverage: gender reassignment surgery, psychological counseling because you're probably a nut-job to begin with."

-Doctor Kimberly, radio host and expert on things

Pictured: Cancer. Kimberly and
Beck are up there with cancer.

Among transgender and gender non-conforming people, 41% have attempted suicide at some point. 41 goddamn percent. I'd like to think that if Kimberly and Beck knew that the climate of unrelenting ignorance and hostility they help to create is a huge part of why this health plan now covers psychological counseling, they wouldn't have spent so much time complaining about their tax dollars and picking on transgender teens. I'd like to think that. Anyway, congratulations guys, you are a social ill.

Kimberly and Beck's bosses, sympathizing with seeing their hard-earned tax-dollars go towards such frivolous expenses as healthcare for city employees, have solved the problem by firing their collective asses. No insincere apologies or fumbled attempts to walk back what they said, just indefinitely suspended. So thanks Entercom Media for explaining to everyone that Rochester doesn't tolerate shit like this.

Rochester does however tolerate shit like this, but I'm not sure you can fire snow.

Of Rats and Cyborgs

Their dead, soulless eyes will fuel
your nightmares for decades to come!

Chuck E. Cheese's is adding Oculus Rifts to their repertoire of rat-themed fun and entertainment. Goddamn Oculus Rifts. What the shit am I blathering about? For those unfamiliar, Chuck E. Cheese's is sort of like if the island from Lord of the Flies had ski ball. Parents bring their kids there for birthday parties, to celebrate softball victories, really anytime they have to entertain a group of children and don't want to clean up after them. It's got video games, pizza, and an animatronic animal band that spasmodically flaps their mechanized mouth-analogues to a jerky, royalty-free version of the happy birthday song. 

Oh, and did I mention that in a stroke of Omega-level genius, this wholesome, family friendly entertainment fun-center serves beer? Yes, beer. Wine too.

"To responsible parenting!"

Above: a window into our priorities
as a species. Brought to you by Google!

I suppose it makes sense. Like, if you're going to be in charge of a birthday party's worth of other people's kids, then you're going to want to have a drink or five. Behold this Google search on the left. I wanted to see if they still had the dimly-lit, smoke-filled bar of my childhood, and I couldn't even finish typing the question without hearing the echoing, anguish-filled queries of a million chaperones who'd drawn the short straw. 

And now Oculus Rift. What's an Oculus Rift, you ask? Where have you been? An Oculus Rift is the fulfillment of that most splendid vision of the future as imagined in the mid-1990's: a heavy pair of virtual reality goggles strapped to your face and tethered to a computer. 

Wow, the future of yesterday is here tomorrow!

A good six-inches of the depth of any ball
-crawl is actually puke. Sorry, but it's true.

Anyway, Chuck E. Cheese's plan is to introduce Oculus Rift games starting with Virtual Ticket Blaster. A non-virtual version of the game already exists in which children stand in a tube and flail their arms trying to catch tickets being blown around by a big fan. Now they'll be doing the same thing, but without having to move around as much. Look, I've never run a national chain of pizza restaurants/screaming children anarchy fun-zones, but is this really the best idea for them?  

I think the company may be overestimating
the drawing power of a creepy guy in a rat suit.

I'm not just talking about the questionable wisdom of inserting a nausea-inducing virtual reality headset into an environment already saturated with greasy food and flavored sugar water. It's just that sooner or later Oculus Rifts, or something like them, are going to be so affordable that everyone will have one. Like, why endure the trauma of going to Chuck E. Cheese's when you can simply plug your kids into a glorified video game and then get plastered with the other parents in the comfort of your own home?

For the price of a few headsets, diapers and feeding tubes,
you'll never have to interact with your children again!

Because Texas

Pictured: Assholes.

Look out gun nuts, Chipotle has just joined the list of things you should be irrationally angry about. The fast food chain released a statement today asking that their customers please be so kind as to not bring guns into their restaurants. Because that's a thing people do. Bring guns. To Chipotle. How come? People can be assholes that's how come. These guys (right) are from Open Carry Tarrant County, a pro gun advocacy group who, I shit you not, love their goddamn guns so much that they insist on bringing them into fast food restaurants.

Why would they do such a thing? To raise awareness, of course. Of guns. In Texas. I mean, even for the state that gave us Rick Perry, this is batty, right? It's even too insane for Open Carry Tarrant County's parent organization, Open Carry Texas, who've distanced themselves from OC Tarrant County for being too fringy.

Because Texas.

"Ok, table for four, 8 o'clock. Would you
prefer the patio or the sniper's perch?"

Their issue wasn't so much that the Tarrant County guys were bringing guns into restaurants, it was that they didn't call ahead.

"We don't go there just to carry guns into a restaurant, we always let the manager know we're coming."

-Open Carry Texas Founder C.J. Grisham,

advocate for responsible brandishing

Yeah, so that's OC Texas trying to cling to some semblance of respectability by asking that its members please try and make an effort not to look like a coup d'etat. Is that really so much to ask? Sure is. Here's OC Tarrant County Coordinator Kory Watkins rebuttal: "We don't ask permission or call anybody. We're trying to make this as normal as possible..."

You see, there's normal and then there's Texas Normal.

"I said guac on the side.
Guac on the side!" 

Look, I'm not arguing against gun-owners and their Jesus-given right to arm themselves to the teeth in the privacy of their own rapture-shelter, but seriously, why do they think it's necessary to freak the rest of us out? I know open-carrying is legal in Texas, but there will never come a day when standing next to someone who holds in their hands the power to end you and everyone else in line at Chipotle isn't totally fucked up.

The Princess is never in the first castle...

Hey! Listen! Nintendo has apologized for that whole 'no gay couples in Tomodachi life' thing and the subsequent 'ham-fisted and slightly offensive apology for the whole no gay couples in Tomodachi life thing.' Cool, right?

We're still waiting on an apology for the Power Glove.
I mean the goddamn thing never worked. Like, ever.

"We put our best PR people on this one.
It actually means less every time you read it."

-Nintendo President Satoru Iwata

Here, check it out. I think you'll find it full of the vague language and noncommittal statements we've come to expect from corporate apologies:

"We pledge that if we create a next installment in the 'Tomodachi' series, we will strive to design a game-play experience from the ground up that is more inclusive, and better represents all players."

So if there's a sequel, then they'll promise to pledge to strive to...uh, wait, what were we talking about?

Zombies? No prob. Gay people?
You might as well ask for a holodeck.

Unfortunately for fans of Nintendo and pretend gay relationships, it looks like it's too late for Tomodachi 1 to add a same-sex relationship option. The company explained that such a major change to the game would be too big for downloadable content or a patch, but I'm not sure I buy that. Developers add stuff through DLC all the time. Rockstar released an expansion for Red Dead Redemption that added zombies, but somehow gays in Tomodachi Life are beyond Nintedo's technological grasp? Seriously?

But hey, it's a start. The Princess is never in the first castle, right? Anyway, congratulations to Tye Marini and his social media campaign. He's shown us all that there are ways to fight inequality that don't involve stabbing things three times in the big glowing eye.

But stabbing things in the eye is all Link's good at...

Wedge-less!

You remember Wedge, he was one of
the X-Wing pilots who didn't explode.

Denis Lawson turned down a role in the new Star Wars movie. Turned it down. Like, said no. Can you believe it? Oh, you don't know who he is? Ok, here, he played Wedge Antilles in the original trilogy. He doesn't have a lot of screen time, but he's in all three movies and has a huge fan base. There's comic books and novels about him and holy shit check out his Wookieepedia page. It's actually longer than the Wikipedia page for Jonas Salk, and he cured goddamn polio.

Above: It's like a Jedi Mind-Trick,
except with trace amounts of cocaine.

Anyway, J. J. Abrams asked the actor to don the orange space suit once more and reprise Wedge Antilles for the new movie. Mark Hamill, Carey Fisher, even Harrison Ford agreed to return, but Lawson said no. I mean, what is that? Harrison Ford was so sick of playing Han Solo that he wanted George Lucas to kill him off at the end of Jedi. He'd rather (Han) die than do another Star Wars, yet Abrams managed to talk him into it...presumably by offering him mountains of cash, but still, he's in the damn movie. 

"I've got quite enough money and
fame, thank you very much."

When someone asked Lawson why he refused he replied in what must certainly be a delightful Scottish accent:

"I'm not going to do that...They asked me but it just would have bored me."

-Denis Lawson, 

turning down fucking Star Wars

The woman who played Aunt Beru
took a shot at Gerald Ford to get the role.

Crazy right? I mean, how can this guy turn down an opportunity to be in a Star Wars movie again? Most of us would gladly carry out political assassinations just to get a walk-on role (what, is it just me?). But not Lawson, it's like he has that, oh, what's it called? Perspective! He has perspective. To him it was just a couple of movies he did thirty years ago, and he's moved on. Sure, it means we won't get to see Wedge on screen again, but on the other hand, we won't see Wedge on screen again.

Yeah, while we're all watching a 71 year old Han Solo explain to a bunch of whipper snappers about flying through hyperspace, and complain that blue milk used to only cost a tenth credit, Wedge Antilles will still be that one X-Wing pilot who managed to survive long enough to play Storm Trooper bongos with the Ewoks. Well played Antilles, well played.

I think this scene from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
is a prefect example of why Denis Lawson just made the best move of his career.