Spokesgoat

These guys had to poop in bags
until the company was shammed
into allowing bathroom breaks.

Nobody likes Jeff Bezos. Ok, fine, I sure some people do, I don't. I work in the book industry and Bezos's whole thing was to drive all the independent bookstores out of business by strong-arming publishers into allowing Amazon to sell books at below the publisher's price--something we're not allowed to do. It doesn't matter, my point is that after trying to destroy bookstores, they went on to ruin every aspect of American retail, and is responsible for a lot of what's wrong today.

Anyway, now Jeff Bezos splits his time between flying rich people to space in a dick rocket and caving to a gameshow host with nuclear first strike capability. 

"What a time to be alive!"

-everyone, but we mean it

as an exclamation of dismay

"If I pulled a tenth of his nonsense I'd be
out faster than you can say Magna Carta."

-an actual king

Which brings us to the half second I actually respected Amazon earlier today. Evidently, there was a report that the company would display the specific dollar amount added by Trump's ill-advised, incomprehensible, and arguably insane tariffs. You know, the ones currently creating chaos on the global economic stage? Anyway, was it even real? Who knows, the important thing is that the guy who thinks that a narrow 1.5% was not only a landslide, but grants him king-like power was mad. So he got on the horn with Bezos--an odd move as he's the former CEO of Amazon--to demand that he change course. 

It's like, a goat you send out to humiliate
themselves so that your company saves face.

And again, he's not the CEO. But some spokesperson for the company did blather out some preposterous, barely coherent, definitely false, and transparently backslidy explanation saying:

"The team that runs our ultra low cost Amazon Haul store considered the idea of listing import charges on certain products. This was never approved and is not going to happen."

-Tim Doyle, Amazon spokesgoat

Oh, so the company was never going to list the tariff costs, and Jeff Bezos didn't use his influence to pressure Amazon to cave to the White House? That's weird, because two White House sources say that Trump called Jeff Bezos, and now he's definitely taking credit for this. Not explicitly, but in the way a mob boss threatens to trash your newsstand if you don't pay him protection money: "Jeff Bezos is very nice. Terrific. He solved the problem every quickly. He did the right thing. Good guy..."

Pictured: the President calling the guy who doesn't run Amazon about
a thing they weren't going to do in the first place. Have I got that right?

"Something, something, Hunter Biden!"

-Press Secretary Leavitt, in

response to literally all criticism

That's a shame, because when you think about it tariffs are going to have a chilling effect on the economy, and really the people who are going to suffer most are stakeholders in businesses that will be directly affected by--huh? Right, I mean the people who are going to suffer most economically. Obviously this entire administration is hellbent on making as many people suffer as possible. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is why not show the cost? And why wouldn't the White House want them too? I mean, if they're such a great idea.

Unless, huh...you don't suppose that the tariffs are a terrible idea, and everyone knows it, but that the President is so obsessed with looking tough that actually he'd allow the economy to collapse rather than admit he doesn't know what he's doing, do you? I ask because yesterday's Canadian elections were a stunning turnaround for that country's Liberal Party who won on a platform of anti-trumpism centered largely on the U.S. President's threats of economic war and annexation.

I mean, he is so bad at his job that he's loosing elections in other countries.