Wait, has he ever actually read the thing?

Can you imagine being White House communications director Steven Cheung and having to release a statement explaining how the President was demanding that the Declaration of Independence be moved to the Oval Office?

Above: then Prince Charles looking at the original Declaration
of Independence shortly before breaking out into "You'll Be Back"
from Hamilton, much to the enjoyment of the Marines guarding it.

Surely crafting spin for the actions of a
78-year old toddler isn't what he signed up for.

Because he did. Have to write a statement, that is. Because Trump actually tried to National Treasure the two and a half century old document:

"President Trump strongly believes that significant and historic documents that celebrate American history should be shared and put on display..."

-Steven Cheung, almost 

certainly reevaluating the life 

decisions that brought him here

Pictured: Trump nodding off at a cabinet
meeting to prove how un-woke he is.

Ok, so, couple of things: first, I don't buy for a minute that Trump strongly believes anything other than his own, self-aggrandizing press. Secondly, he's a billionaire, sharing isn't his strong suit. Thirdly--yeah, I know I said a couple of things--his administration has ordered the military to purge documents and photos from archives of anything not straight, white, and cis-gendered male, including--and this is how dumb they are--photos of the Enola Gay, the plane that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima. 

I'm confused, are they American or
Confederate? Because we fought a
whole war over this, and they lost.

So why, I ask you, would this self-centered, clown of a man who has done nothing but work to undermine and dismantle the very checks and balances put in place to avoid a repeat of tyranny we spilled so much tea over, want The Declaration of Independence? I don't know. I think it's the same reason MAGA people drape themselves in so many American flags, 1776 bumper stickers, and pictures of The Constitution. It's patriotic cosplay. I think they simply see themselves as more American than the rest of us, and that these things belong to them and only them.

Which is weird because everything America is supposed to--although admittedly often doesn't--stand for: liberty, democracy, equality, are treated with hostility by the MAGA people. Anyway, as for the Declaration, calm down, he's not getting it. America's parchment breakup tweet about how we're done with kings is safe from Trump's greasy, cheeseburger-y fingers for now. His handlers have evidently talked him out of it instead suggesting one of the priceless and rare 18th century copies instead. Which still isn't great, but here we are.

If these goons actually knew anything about the period of American
history they never seem to shut up about, they'd have demanded this
guy be tarred, feathered and run out on a rail ages ago.