Evidently, I'm something of a narcissist.

Sorry, a narcissist with a felony conviction.

I feel that I've been unfairly branded a narcissist. By a video game. And while I realize that being a narcissist is evidently no barrier to success, and is evidently what seventy million voters look for in a Presidential candidate, I take issue with being called one. Who called me a narcissist? Great question. I'm glad I pretended you asked. A video game called me a narcissist, but I don't think that in any way diminishes my right to have a problem with this. Wait, come back! Where are you going? 

No really, stop remembering the 60's
fondly. They were terrible for everyone
who wasn't straight, white, and male.

Here, let me explain. The video game/judge of moral character in question is the remake of Dragon Quest III. And if you don't know what that is, I congratulate you on being a fully functional adult who doesn't dwell on the video games they were into in their tweens. There are those of us however whose taste in such things solidified in the 16-bit era of gaming. For us, the industry peaked in the mid nineties, and everything else pales by comparison. In a way, I suppose it's similar to how men of a certain age won't shut up about how great the sixties were. Although they definitely should.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and
you'd better take the one we tell you to. Or else."

-Dragon Quest III 

Anyway, Dragon Quest III starts with a mysterious voice asking you series of questions to gauge the your--the player's--personality. At least, that's the idea. In reality the game is just rolling your characters stats and distributing skill points. Next, you're sent to this cave with signposts telling you what to do. The very first sign post said go west--universally agreed in video game logic to mean left. I started to go west, but then decided to turn around and check out east. You know, in case there was loot or something. 

Instead, I fell down a chasm and was bounced back to the mysterious voice who summed me up thusly:

"Aaron...It seems you are something of a narcissist..."

-the video game, putting me on blast

Pictured: Link doing video game stuff
without being called a narcissist.

What even? Video games have trained us to explore the areas of the map we're not supposed to go. That's where all the good stuff is. What I'm saying is all I did was try and explore a little. I played the original version of this game thirty years ago, so I was aware that I was being tested, although I couldn't remember which responses trigged which stat boosts. So I just figured that if I showed some initiative, maybe it would increase my fortitude or luck or something. Instead: narcissist. But that's not even the end of it:

I grew up in the 80's and 90's, of course
my enthusiasm dies as quickly as it is kindled.

"Your broad and varied interests prove that you are not wholly closed minded, but your enthusiasm dies as quickly as it is kindled..."

-Dragon Quest III, on how not 

wholly closed minded I am

Um. Wow. Like, I'm not saying that that's entirely inaccurate, but goddamn. I've never been psychoanalyzed by a JRPG before and I have to say, I'm not a fan, thank you very much.

And then came the coup de grace: "You are often a burden to others, but miraculously, they do not seem to dislike you for it." No, really. It says this. And then it finally sums me up with: "Selfish, yet likable...This is you in a nutshell..." Look, all I did was go right instead of left.

Brutal? Yes. But still better than in game micro transactions.