On the virtues of Quantum Toast:

Um, ok, I think we can all agree that the word "quantum" sounds like the future, right? Like, before quantum, it was cyber and before the year two thousand, you could just stick a 2000 after anything and it was instantly catapulted into the twenty-first century. That said, let's not insult our intelligence, ok?

Of course, that was before we actually got to the twenty-first century and it turned out
to be an end-stage capitalism nightmare where you have to Kickstart a kidney transplant and
a convicted felon is running for president on a platform of "I'll only be a dictator for a day."

Above: the future!

What brought this up? Why this. Yeah, if you click, you'll be whisked to the website of ultra-modern kitchen appliance manufacturer Kitchenery and their line of cordless--they're not really cordless, but we'll get to that--blenders, tea kettles, air fryers, pressure cookers, and toasters all powered by their proprietary Quantum Energy Pad. To say the word is to be smacked full in the face by the future. A future you can pre-order right now, so what are you waiting for? You from the future having traveled back in time to tell you to buy one?

Pictured: you, seen here making toast
without a Kitchenery Quantum Energy Pad.

The company says that--huh? What's that you ask? What is a quantum energy pad and what does it do? Why you poor, analog primitive. You slave to the electrical outlet. A Quantum Energy Pad™ is a pad that uh, quantum energizes your Kitchenery brand appliances. All you have to do, is set your Kitchenery brand toaster on your Kitchenery brand Quantum Energy Pad and sit back and let it do its brand thing. Which in this example, is toast bread. Does quantum toast taste better than regular toast? I don't know, does regular toast taste better than actual garbage?

"My live-in chef is going to love this!"

-a prospective induction

cooktop customer

Yes. It does. But hyperbole aside, the Quantum Energy Pad which I one must legally spell out every time because branding, powers your equally branded appliances via wireless power transfer, so no cords. You know, except the one for your Kitchenery Quantum Energy Pad. So it's not really wireless, is it? The Verge article that clued me into this in the first place said something about being able to power these things off an induction cook top. As in the kind of stove rich people have because they have too much money and don't know any better? 

"Just have your butler order another pad."

-some rich guy

But the company's site doesn't say anything about that. Oh, and did I mention that these things cost two hundred and fifty dollars? Of money? That's for two devices of your choice, and the pad. Which, I mean, I guess isn't that outrageous if they're decent appliances, but the whole selling point here is that they're wireless which they are definitely not. And I'm unclear as to what happens if you want to use say, your toaster while you've got something going in the pressure cooker?

Look, I don't want to rag on the company's utopian vision of the wireless kitchen of tomorrow, just because it includes an actual wire and therefore is, on the face of it, a lie, but uh...huh, I guess I do want to rag on that. 

Although I have been thinking about getting an air fryer. I mean,
there really is no better way to cook food that smells like burning plastic.