Florida, it's just not for me.

"It was this or public school funding. Whooo!"

-The City of Orlando

ICON Park, which used to be called I-Drive 360 (ugh), is home to The Wheel. It's a four hundred foot Ferris wheel with enclosed, air-conditioned passenger cards. Think the London Eye, but, you know, in Florida. It used to be called the Orlando Eye (probably because of the afore mentioned London Eye) before becoming the Coca-Cola Orlando Eye (because capitalism) and then Icon Orlando before finally settling on The Wheel. But the flailing for an identity has now gone beyond just the name and into its very purpose. 

Where else in the world can you see
four Hooters Restaurants at once?

Which is, I suppose, understandable. The London Eye, of course, offers stunning three hundred and sixty degree views of one of the world's oldest cities. The Wheel on the other hand is somewhat hampered located, as it is, in Orlando and therefore can only offer views of three hundred and sixty degree views of the urban sprawl that it Orlando, Florida--and yes, I'm going to be ripping on Florida a lot, and I'd like to apologize. Like to. Get rid of Ron DeSantis and we'll talk. Anyway, where were we?

Oh right, the boondoggle. Desperate for something to offer other than hoisting visitors forty storeys above a city famous for Disney World and, uh...Boggy Creek Airboat Tours (what? I searched what is Orlando famous for other than Disney), the owners of The Wheel have added laser tag.

"And if you look out the left side of the airboat, you'll see the delicate ecosystem
we're disrupting for the entertainment of slack-jawed goons like yourselves. Whooo!"

-Some airboat tour guide

"Suck it Dave and Busters! Whooo!"

-The holding company 

that owns The Wheel

Well, fine, not laser tag per se, but for an extra $5.95, riders can add Bullseye Blast to their experience. What's Bullseye Blast you might reasonably inquire? Why it's a game where you sight targets placed on the ground around The Wheel and shoot them with infra-red beams. These beams bounce back to the gun, register a hit, and you get a point. The player with the most points wins. I guess. Ok yeah, it is functionally laser tag which is trade-mark free if you spell laser with an "s" and not a "z." So there's that. But do I even have to say it?

It's good to know that if the King of
England walks into Target and starts passing
 Stamp Acts, this guy's got our backs.

Well, do I? Alright, but only because you asked me to. Don't say I never do anything for you. Here goes: what the actual? I mean, what the actual? Did no one involved here question the optics? I know these are harmless infra-red beams and that the object is to hit targets, but guns. America. Sure this is Florida, but poor taste is poor taste. We, as a nation, are more than a little raw on the subject of guns. Half of us--well, more than half. Most of us really, but why quibble?--want to crack down on what amounts to a reckless and violent hobby while the other half want to carry loaded weapons around Target and don't get why that's a problem for the rest of us.

Look, I don't live in Florida and will likely not visit Orlando anytime soon. And even if I didn't, I'm not really into a slow, vertigo-inducing ride on one of these things, so take my opinions with the usual amount of salt. But I guess I just feel like maybe now is a time to re-examine our culture's relationship with guns and violence. And turning something like a Ferris wheel into an opportunity for tourists to role-play as bell tower shooters just strikes me as a little, you know, gross.

"I like to pretend I'm shooting at congress members on their way
to certify an election with an outcome I don't like! Whoo!"*

-Some tourist

*it's my understanding that all Floridians finish their sentences with "whooo."