Ich bin ein Greenlander

See this is what happens when we elect a lunatic to high off-sorry, this is what happens when a two hundred year old voting system designed to make underpopulated states feel appreciated overrides the popular will of the people and installs a blundering sociopath with delusions of tacky, narcissistic grandeur into what will soon no longer be the most powerful office in the world.

Yeah, don't worry, I'm not going to rail against our broken electoral system
this time, instead we're going to talk about Greenland. A country whose
name used to be ironic, but then you know, climate change.

The Danish krone is widely regarded
as Europe's most delicious currency. 

What is what happens? Oh, this. The current President, probably in one of his many incoherent ramblings, has been tossing about the idea of buying Greenland from Denmark. No, really. Or maybe not really. Who can say? We crossed the line between alarmingly erratic and self-parody back in 2017. Anyway, the self-governing, but financially dependent island relies on Denmark for defense as well as it's annual budget of 6.2 billion Danish krone (about half a billion U.S.).

And according to the Wall Street Journal this supposedly all started when the former host of The Apprentice heard that perhaps Denmark was tired of floating the protectorate and maybe wanted to sell. Trump, being a real estate mogul then ran it up the flag poll to see who takes a knee.

Oh, so Denmark probably feels about Greenland the way
those of us in the blue states feel about the red states.

Above: That time Trump sold the
rest of the country to the Russians.

The WSJ, who themselves are referring to unnamed and possibly fictional White House officials, said that the idea appealed to Trump not just because of the island's natural resources and strategic value but also as some kind of legacy of his presidency. You know, like Jefferson with the Louisiana Purchase or when Andrew Johnson bought Alaska from the Russians. I'd have thought he'd have been satisfied with his legacy of unprecedented vitriol and a resurgence of white nationalism, but hey, here we are.

Casinos are business where people with
an addiction throw money at rigged
games. How do you fuck that up?

Like, this is a terrible idea and someone will stop him, right? I know his handlers have been pretty laissez faire up to this point (they are Republicans), but I mean, even they can see that this is insane, right? I know he's like a businessman and totally thinks he knows what he's doing when it comes to wheeling and dealing, but he's also kind of a shitty businessman with a history of the stiffing people who work for him and he's declared bankruptcy like four times. Four.

"Well, it wouldn't be the first time..."

-Andrew "Trail of Tears" Jackson

And besides, the last thing the fifty-six thousand Danish citizens on the island are going to want to do is become Americans right now. And speaking of, hasn't most of his presidency been about keeping people from becoming Americans? To suddenly turn around and-huh? What's that? Oh, right. Yeah, I suppose Danish people are probably pretty white...but there are indigenous people living in Greenland too, what's he going to do? Kick them out? Oh...oh my God...that's exactly what he'd do.

So is this for real? I don't know. I can't imagine that the King of Denmark would be so cruel as to sell his own subjects to a smirking buffoon. But Trump is apparently visiting Denmark next month and he is the kind of reckless goon to that would put in an offer without checking with the rest of us first. So I guess what I'm saying is someone needs to check his briefcase.

"I'm prepared to make you an offer for Greenland, it's a very wonderful
offer, everyone says so, so much money, you won't even believe how
much money. It's really such a deal, just a tremendous deal for you."

-Trump cracking open a briefcase

containing $200,000 and some gift 

cards for his hotel and resort chain