Today in literal sex objects:

Do you make terrible decisions involving money? Do you have a fondness for skeevy sci-fi tchotchkes? Well then this is the fifty-five ounce, durable cast resin fictional sex-idol for you:

"What the hell is this?"

-Sexy Picard

What I'm saying is make sure you're up-
on your shots, or hyposprays or whatever.

Now if you lead a rich, full social life, you're probably asking yourself, yeah, what the hell is that? Well I'll tell you, it's a horga'hn. No really, that's what it's called. It's a sex-idol from the planet Risa. The idea is that when you-huh? Oh, Risa? I see you spent your childhood playing sports and interacting with other kids, so I'll explain. On Star Trek, Risa is sort of a vacation planet where everyone goes when they have time off from boldly going to planets which resemble the Paramount Studios back-lot. But think less Outer Banks or Niagara Falls and more caribbean swingers resort.

The horga'hn then is a trinket or souvenir people pick up while they're there. According to the people of Risa, and to the Star Trek wiki (which, yes, I have bookmarked, don't judge me), to display one publicly announces to passers by that you're looking for anonymous sex. In many ways it's like the 24th century equivalent of peacocking.

Only less douchey. 

You wouldn't want to look
like an idiot, would you?

And now you too can own one too. Albeit a resin duplicate one. And all for the low price of two hundred and fifty dollars. Yes, of money. It's available on roddenberry.com which you might remember as the site where you call also find other replica Star Trek props like combadges and phasers. There's even a line of 'crap from Captain Picard's desk.' Oh, and did I mention they have bat'leths? Yeah, goddamn bat'leths. You know, the big, unwieldy, crescent-shapped sword things klingons use to hack each other to death? Well now you can brandish an authentic aluminum one instead of some crap you made out of paper towel rolls and duct tape. I mean, if you're going to get picked up by law enforcement for waving one of these around, it might as well set you back $350.

You know, just in case someone
questions the authenticity of your
plastic Star Trek fuck-me tiki.

Anyway, back to the horga'hn. As you can imagine, the one offered on roddenberry.com is worth every cent. In this case 25,000 of them. It's prop-accurate, hand-crafted and over 11 inches tall to quote the website. How much over 11 inches? There's no way to know I guess. The important thing is that it comes with a certificate of authenticity which proves beyond all doubt that yours is a real replica resin horga'hn and not one of the many counterfit Star Trek props that flood the market every never.

So take my advice and pre-order one today, because seriously, you do not want to be the only fan at this year's Star Trek convention who doesn't have one of these sitting outside their door at the Rio Suites.

To sum up: roddenberry.com will sell you a $250 prop
from a thirty year old sci-fi TV series which they assure
you will help, not hinder, your chances of getting laid.