The only decent thing left to do...

Seriously, if this has all been
an elaborate prank, it's not funny.

Man, Donald Trump is just the worst. Like, I know like half of us know that already while the other half are, I don't know, just fucking with us? Doesn't matter. Whatever explains the polls that show him neck and leathery, orange neck with Hillary Clinton, he is, objectively speaking, a terrible person. That's why I'm glad to see John McCain and a few other Republicans are starting to call him out on that horrible bullshit he's been saying about Khizr and Ghazala Khan; the couple who spoke at the DNC about their son who was killed serving in Iraq. 

Pictured: John McCain, being slowly
crushed by the shame of belonging
to the Republican Party.

McCain, in a statement released today said:

"I cannot emphasize enough how deeply I disagree with Mr. Trump's statement. I hope Americans understand that the remarks do not represent the views of our Republican Party, its officers, or candidates."

-Senator McCain, presumably while shading

his eyes and whispering 'I'm not with him' 

Well, that's cool, but Trump's their candidate, so yeah, he totally represents their views.

So what's to be done about it? I'm glad I pretend you asked. I know John McCain's a war hero, a senator and even ran for President once in a terrifying race that almost put Sarah Palin a heartbeat away from the Presidency, but would it be too much to ask for him to run as a third party candidate? 

Short answer: yes, long answer: yes, but he should totally do it anyway.

I know, I know, but there's got
to be one or two, right? 

No, for real. And, don't get me wrong, I still don't want him to be President, but today he reminded us that despite the stupid shit he says and does sometimes and despite whatever philosophical differences you or I might have with him, he is, at heart, a good person. And I'm holding out hope that that decency will be enough to get him to run again. Not win mind you, in fact, he wouldn't even come close. But I want him to run for the sake of giving whatever percentage of the GOP still has some sense and foresight left someone to vote for. 

Have you ever read Isaac Asimov's Foundation novels? No? Super. Here, let me spoil them for you. They're about-huh? Seriously? They're from the 50's. Fine, go, catch up. I'll wait.

Ok, yeah, they don't hold up all that well, but they're
classics and predate the polio vaccine so you have no excuse.

Saving the galaxy through the power of
math is about as thrilling as it sounds.

Back? Great, as you now know, they're about a mathematician called Hari Seldon who devises a way to predict future events. He foresees the collapse of space civilization and a 30,000 year age of barbarism. Bummer, right? So he comes up with a plan that will get humanity back on track in just a thousand years and it's totally working until the second book where a mutant called the Mule who is also confusingly, a clown...like, literally a clown, shows up and uses his psychic abilities to manipulate events and take over the galaxy. 

Above: an artist's rendering.

Obviously, Hari Seldon's save-the-galaxy plan didn't have a contingency for 'psychic mutant space clown' because why would it? So everything starts going to shit and you're probably wondering why the hell I'm talking about psychic mutant space clowns? Because that's what Donald Trump has become this election. Anyone, Democrat or Republican who rails against a dead soldier should be politically finished before they can delete their Twitter account, but he keeps doubling down, getting crazier and racist-ier and is still somehow the GOP's nominee with like forty-something percent in polls. 

One is a struggle for America's future and
the other is video game yet both get about
equal media coverage. Yeah, we're screwed.

How is that even possible? Mutant space clown. Nobody saw a lunatic real-estate mogul/game show host with no filter, zero government experience and access to Twitter coming. He found America's lowest-common denominator and made himself their King. So what are we going to do about? Nothing. We're not going to do anything. We, as in democratic-socialist, free-ride, PC-thug communists, can't. America is about two things right now, and two things only: Pokémon Go! and political divisiveness. The right's not going to listen to us any more than we're going to listen to them.

Although if you know any psychic
mutant cabals, have them text me.

Ok, so now what? If I remember the book correctly, the Mule is only defeated when the protagonists discover a shadowy cabal of non-evil psychics who can overthrown him and get Hari Seldon's plan back up and running. Obviously we don't have such a cabal handy, but what we do have is John McCain. Look, most Republicans are going to vote for Trump. Some might stay home and a few might even vote for Clinton but if McCain and others are serious about Trump not representing their party's values they have to scuttle this. Like for real.

And it doesn't have to be McCain, it just has to be someone from the GOP. Think back to the beginning of this goat-rodeo that has been the Republican presidential contest, they started with like 20 candidates. A veritable who's who of who hates gays and loves assault rifles. Can't one of them fall on their sword here? It's the only decent thing to do.

Just pick one. Draw straws, challenge each other
to a Pokémon tournament, I don't care. Just fucking fix this.