Easy Mode

Hold on to your science hats everybody, a Republican congressman from Georgia is about to blow your mind. Yup, it turns out that not only are religion and science incompatible, but all that claptrap you've heard about evolution and the big bang is total bullshit. It totally says so in the Bible (somewhere). Now, don't you feel stupid?

It's ok guys, shut it down. Some congressman from Georgia just figured it all out for us.

Rep. Broun found out some data.
Science data. Can't argue with that.

But Rep. Paul Broun is a politician, how does he know anything about science? Well, it turns out that he's also a doctor. Like a medical doctor who's licensed to write prescriptions and stuff (holy shit). Check this out:

"You see, there are a lot of scientific data that I've found out as a scientist that actually show that this really is a young Earth. I don't believe that the Earth's about 9000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That's what the Bible says"

-Paul Broun, U.S. Rep. and sciencetician

You kind of have to admire the easy-peasy world people like Paul Broun live in. Evolution? Bullshit. The origins of the universe? Magic. Gay people? Goin' to hell. For it is written. And guess what? Fundamentalist literalism isn't just for religious nut-jobs anymore.

Above: Science!

"Heterosexual sodomy however, is
constitutionally mandated. Ladies...."

Check out Supreme Court Justice Anton Scalia's recent assertion that all the really big things we disagree on as a nation could be solved if we'd just follow his method of interpreting the Constitution as a binding directive to live forever in the 18th century:

"The death penalty? Give me a break. It's easy. Abortion? Absolutely easy. Nobody ever thought the Constitution prevented restrictions on abortion. Homosexual sodomy? Come on. For 200 years it was illegal in every state,"

-Justice Scalia, weighing in on anal

I would have thought that interpreting the Constitution would be a complex and nuanced job requiring lots of fair-mindedness and soul-searching, but apparently, anyone can do it. Anyone. Sure, it was written at a time when it was ok to own people and the average life expectancy was 35, but apart from the internet and dubstep, things haven't really changed since the Revolutionary War, have they?

Above: Witchcraft!

"Damn it feels good to be a
wealthy white landowner."

-The Framers

God damn, it must be nice to live in a world where all of the answers to our problems were figured out hundreds or even thousands of years ago. It's like life comes with an instruction manual for these guys. With Representative Broun, it's the Bible which thanks to poetic language, rich metaphors and centuries of translations and interpretations can mean whatever the hell you need it to. For Scalia it's the Constitution which if you squint and hold it up to the light just right is the perfect guide to living in the 13 Colonies...assuming you're a rich white guy like him.

Life's so much simpler when you're
not being chased by bears, isn't it?

Of course this easy mode worldview does have one glaring flaw: it gets shot to hell if you're on the wrong side of it. You betcha Justice Scalia is all about a by-the-letter approach to the Constitution (as he understands it), but let's say for the sake of argument it was the custom in the 1700's to slather the Supreme Court Justices in honey and release hungry bears into their courtrooms. Let us further say that the framers wrote this into the Constitution. Does anyone really think that Anton Scalia, by far the largest and slowest-moving judge, would still be against re-interpreting the law to fit the times?

Look, I know there's always going to be people who can't be bothered to accept the complexity of living in the 21st century, and that's fine. I mean, that's what Wyoming is for (what? like you're from Wyoming). I guess I just wish they'd stop screwing it up for the rest of us. You know, live and let live? Like it says in the Bible? It says that, right?

"The Earth is how many billions of years old? Really? And we all
evolved from apes? You know this is the bronze age right? What if we make 
something up about a magic garden and uh... oh, how about a talking snake?"

-God's ghost writer